(Closed) Guest lists and money and drama…oh my.

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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twistaway:  You don’t accept money from him. If he is so dedicated to his demands that he sent you that email with that tone while you were in the house with him, he isn’t going to budge. He is going to want full control even if he pretends to give in on some things. 

Have the wedding you (and if you want, others close to you who aren’t control freaks) can afford. 

Post # 3
Member
7955 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Don’t take his money. He can’t demand that other people pay. Too many strings attached.

Post # 4
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I guess you’re not that close if he’s sending you this type of email. Maybe he doesn’t want to get stuck paying for a massive wedding. Just because he has lots of money doesn’t mean that he should have to pay for the entire thing. He sounds like he is well off because he is good with his business. If you don’t like the terms, you don’t have to take his money. 

Another consideration, is it possible that he’s kidding?

Post # 5
Member
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

It sounds like there will be a price for accepting his help. Trying to dictate how much your Mother contributes? Yeah NO. He sounds super controlling. Save yourself the hassle and pay for it yourself.

Post # 6
Member
4242 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Unfortunately IF you did accept money from him, it would come with strings attached.  It sucks, but it ultimately is his money.

My parents had stipulations with their money too even though ultimately they are paying 40%, we are paying 40%, and my future in laws are paying 20%.  We accommodated their additions to the guest list, we accommodated some of their ideas for decor, etc.  It was weird knowing where to draw the line because even though they were paying a good chunk of it, WE were too.  Eventually things worked out, but it was a LOT more stress than I had anticipated.  In-laws just wrote us a check and said “here you go!” and that was it.  Thank goodness for them!

I would agree with KitSnicket above, don’t accept his money.  If that means you guys save for another year or two and push back the wedding, so be it.

Post # 7
Member
1904 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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twistaway:  The only thing your father should be allowed is “A list of 25 people I HAVE to invite (including his girlfriend’s parents, her 16 year old niece and her boyfriend, and a great aunt I’ve never met)” ONLY because he is paying for a portion.

However, it seems that he feels he has the right to the rest of his demands… which he does not.

Honestly, I would reply with an email and state that you are his daughter and not a business partner. Thank him for the offer but you will be having the wedding you want and can afford.

I would not take your fathers money. Save and have the wedding you can afford, sure it may take a little longer but it will be YOUR wedding. Now your father, it seems, will be upset by this action and will probably not come to your wedding. BUT I think without meeting his demands he will will refuse to help pay anyway…so unless you plan to give your father full control of your wedding, I think you have to decline his offer.

Also, IF you take his money I bet you he will have more demands and drama.

Sorry bee… =(

 

Post # 8
Member
1294 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

To avoid all this drama, I would kindly turn down his strings attatched gift and plan for a small wedding that you and your Fiance can afford. If anyone else (like your mom) wants to halp out but not be as controling about it, that’s great. If not, then you may have to have a smaller wedding, wait a litte longer or go with a more afforbable venue. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that your are marrying your Fiance, so focus on that and do whatever you can to make it your day and plagued by insane rules of someone else. 

Also, when I red the part about your mom being required to pay a signifiant amount with proof or she could not attend, was where I decied that money from your dad was not worth it. I don’t care how bad your parent’s breakup was, him using money to try to have her not at your wedding is unnacceptavle. He also cannot demand that other people pay “a significant amount”. 

Post # 9
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Oh this sucks so much. I would prepare to drop his portion of the budget. Fiance and I are forced to have a huge wedding because of his huge family and the fact that they can’t bear to not invite everyone, but FI’s parents are going to pay for the majority of the wedding for that reason. Also, it’s no secret that FI’s family is much more well-to-do than mine. Of course, it’s never really ok to expect someone to pay for your wedding just because they are well-to-do, but at the same time, it’s like come ooooooon.

There are lots of things you can do with your wedding to save tons of money–I mean a lot. You can cut your budget massively by doing things yourself. Is it possible to choose an outdoor/tent wedding in your area? That can help a lot. Bees on here would be more than happy to help you. Some of them are so resourceful and creative it will blow your mind.You can buy a ton of decorations and things second-hand.

I realize it would take a ton of work and add a ton of weight on your shoulders, but if it was me I could not live with those terms, and what’s more, that attitude. I’m a pretty stubborn person and the attitude of that letter rubs me entirely the wrong way. I would, in fact, deliberately not invite any of his 25 guests. I don’t underestimate how hard this will be for you. Based on your father’s attitude, it sounds like he might cut you off financially (and potentially socially) if you refuse his terms, but honestly, he is being a child and a jerk. I would tell him that he can offer whatever portion of the wedding he wants with no strings attached, or he can offer nothing, but unless he is paying the entire bill, his demands are way too high.

ETA: The part about your mother. I don’t know your relationship with your mother, or how you balance that with your relationship with your father, but this disgusts me. If anyone ever said they would try to bar my mother from my wedding, I would slap him in the face.

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  beckybee787.
Post # 10
Member
6941 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

He seriously thinks he can dictate what OTHER people pay towards your wedding?! He’s crazy!

Do not accept his money. It’ll all be more trouble than it’s worth. 

Post # 11
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Honestly, I wouldn’t accept his money. It sounds like he wants control and if he’s already giving you a list that demanding from the get-go: the part about your mother is extremely harsh and uncalled for. And he can’t demand your Future Mother-In-Law pay. If they want to, that’s great, but no one is expected to pay anything.

i would decline his money and therefore terms and conditions and plan something that you and Fiance can afford. Unfortunately, it may not be what you wanted but you would retain control and show hI’m that you aren’t going to let yourself be bullied. 

I hope you come to some sort of peace with what’s going on and your planning process goes well, and you enjoy it!!!!

Post # 12
Member
3064 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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twistaway:  Do NOT TAKE THE MONEY. It will only lead to drama. 

Post # 13
Member
8992 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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twistaway:  That is totally appalling! Where does he get off thinking he can dictate how you, your mother, and your in-laws spend your money?! He very definitely can choose how to spend his own, but demanding he see proof of what other people spend is ridiculous. Quite frankly if I were your mom I’d kill you for sharing any of my financial information with my ex-husband. My parents are divorced and both of them gave us money for our wedding – they don’t need to know how much each gave though. If he’s starting this shit now it will only get worse as planning progresses. Do NOT take any money from him – it’s just not worth it. I wouldn’t even bother trying to reason with him; just say “thanks for your offer, but that’s not going to work for us so we’ll pay for the wedding ourselves.” 

Post # 14
Member
3584 posts
Sugar bee

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twistaway:  I stopped reading when you said your mother has to pay and he required proof  or she couldn’t not attend.  That’s when i would tell him i didn’t need his money and elope or pay for it myself. I don’t know the full story but that’s just one demand i wouldn’t give in to even if my mon was well off. 

Post # 15
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

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twistaway:  Did you respond to his email or talk to him about it while you were staying at his house? You should let him know that you are not okay with all of his demands and if those demands are necessary then he does not need to contribute. Don’t make the conversation negative because you don’t want to ruin a relationship over money for a wedding. This just may mean that you will need to find less expensive options for the wedding, lots of people do beautiful weddings for very small budgets. Also if the reason the wedding is so big is because of your FI’s family maybe his parents would be willing to contribute a little. Good luck! 

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