(Closed) Guest lists and money and drama…oh my.

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
twistaway:  Yikes. I would be seriously hurt if my Dad did this. I would gently decline his offer and plan the wedding you want and can afford. 

His request for the “Must Attend” list is fair, IF he were paying for it. But the rest is garbage. 

Post # 17
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

I can’t believe he’s trying to edge your mother out of the wedding! That’s terrible. I wonder what he would say if you declined his money and stipulations and then said “and since you’re not contributing after all, ‘you will not permitted to attend'”? I agree with everyone here – don’t accept his money. I hope the rest of your planning goes better – a lot better. I’m sorry you have to go through this!

Post # 18
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
twistaway:  I agree with pp, don’t take the money. Have a longer engagement or maybe a destination wedding (smaller wedding). Taking his money will lead to more drama. 

Post # 19
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m sorry, OP, but your dad sounds like a jerk for saying that your own mother “will not be permitted attend” unless she pays a lot of money. That’s ridiculous. If you accept any money from him, you’ll be in for way more drama than that money will be worth, in my opinion. 

Honestly? If my family tried that drama, I would say screw it and elope! If you’re committed to having the bigger wedding, then you need to pay for the wedding you can afford and let your budget dictate your guest list. If your dad tries to make demands, repeat your argument that it’s your money, your say. If he then tries to offer money to cover people he wants, then you must demand he compromise on his other ridiculous conditions. 

No pay, no say. Rinse and repeat. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, Bee.

Post # 20
Member
7493 posts
Busy Beekeeper

If he was paying at least half his invitation list might be reasonable, but requiring your mother and Future In-Laws to pay as a condition for his support and their attendance is just NOT okay. I would (also in writing) politely thank him, let him know his terms are not acceptable, and plan what you and your Fiance can afford on your own.

Post # 21
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

Anyone that helps pay does have some say but that is an outrageous list of non-negotiable demands. Do not take his money with that list!!

I would be replying – 

“Thank you, Dad for your offer for the wedding. Your list of non-negotiables leaves me no other choice other than to not accept your offer. In no way, would I “require” other people (mom and FIL) a set amount of money to pay, nor would I to anyone.

Although Fiance and I would truly like to have this venue with the prediscussed budget, it seems we will have to change it and accommodate what our own budget will allow. This will also influence a smaller guest list in which Fiance and I will be the sole persons to choose whom will be invited. Thank you again for your offer and I love you very much but we will have to respectfully decline based on those stipulations.”

Post # 22
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

DON’T TAKE MONEY FROM HIM! If this is how he’s acting it speaks volumes about him, it will all come with many strings attached. The fact that he wants to see proof that your mom paid?! Wtf! That’s none of his business, he can’t make everyone else pay. If he choses to pay thats on him. He’s taking control over YOUR wedding. It’s only been a week and he’s done this much. Imagine a few months from now. I can tell you from experience, it will only get worse. Don’t take his money.

Post # 23
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

That sounds nuts.. MY Future Mother-In-Law and him should get together. They would get along good. Him saying your Mom can not come unless she helps and he has proof of this is just nasty.. His Girlfriend and her family DO NOT need to come either. That is up to you! I hate how some parents THINK just cause they are helping pay for some things they get to control things..

Post # 24
Member
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

The audacity of putting stipulations on whether or not your Mom can attend is crazy town. No matter what you do, I’d tell him your Mom being there is a non negotiable.

Post # 25
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - country club in Michigan

Your father is appalling. I would send him a list with your terms:

He should give you a set amount up front, and a set guest list that he wants, and you will work within that amount and guest list. If it’s $5,000, fine. $10,000, fine. He is not allowed to make any additional demands on anyone else, or any other details. If that does not work for him, then you will not accept his money, and you will have the wedding you can afford, with the guest list you want. 

 

Do not count on the money until you see it. I’ve seen parents agree to the above terms, and then later start making demands. Usually this is after contracts are signed and they haven’t fully paid yet, which means the bride and groom are stuck footing the bill.

 

On another note–you have no right to determine how your father spends his money, so don’t act entitled. He very well may refuse to give you any money, and thats ok. It’s his right. If that occurs, just have the wedding you can afford, and it’ll still be great.  

 

Post # 26
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t accept a penny. I understand having a guest list, but trying to force your mother to choose between going into debt or being barred from your wedding is vindictive horseshit. Plan the wedding you and your fiancé can afford, or put it off and save until you can. 

Post # 27
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
Emm85:  Yikes – I don’t know how I feel about OP negotiating with her father. I think she’s better off without a single penny from him and hopefully thereby eliminating the risk of future stress and drama.

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  QOTSA.
Post # 28
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Look on the bright side, you found out now, not later.

Post # 29
Member
4424 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
twistaway:  Don’t accept his money. Find a way to pay for what you want without it. Tell him “Thank you for offering to pay for a portion of the wedding, but we’ve decided we will not need it. We will be using our funds to have the wedding Fiance and I wish to have.” His demands are ridiculous and controlling and he doesn’t get to dictate what others contribute to the wedding nor does he get to demand proof of it. Totally immature.

Post # 30
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would not reply with kind “I love you daddy but no”, but I would honestly have asked “have you lost your mind?”. And then I would say bye bye to financial help and do it all MYSELF. 

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