(Closed) Guest lists and money and drama…oh my.

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 46
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee

As my father would say…that money is too expensive. Pass on it. I don’t care if you get married in a McD parking lot, do not take a penny of his money. He is being an ass and now you see why your mother is elsewhere.

Post # 47
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Twistaway, please come back.  I know you are hurting.  To me it is sad that your dad does not consider your feelings, or that his hate for  your mom is stronger than his love for you.  But accept it and move along.  I don’t know how you have been engaged for one week and already have the guest list, but  you and fiance have to call his mom (or he can call her) and let her know the wedding is being downsized. 

Post # 48
Member
1354 posts
Bumble bee

Your mother has to pay X amt or she cannot attend???? Is he f ‘in serious??? I agree with PP’s, don’t take his money. I’d rather have a smaller, less extragavant wedding then have to give in to these ridiculous demands. 

Post # 49
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

Yuck, your father is essentially lawyering your wedding.  

I would politely (and I say politely) decline the gift.  Say you and your Fiance have decided to have your wedding as you see fit and that you look forward to planning it the way you want it.

If he is inclined to “help”, he will gift at/after the wedding.  If you accept money from him at any point, allow him to pay for something very specific, for example, your photographer, florist, cake, etc.  

I count my lucky stars that the generosity of my father and future in laws was just generosity without strings.  I got by lucky!

Post # 50
Member
1806 posts
Buzzing bee

Holy shit. Well, well, well…drama comes early to your wedding plans! Let’s just assume you’re getting it out of the way now. Don’t get attached to a vision, be attached to the sentiment that provided the opportunity of a wedding to begin with. That being said, sounds like it’s time to switch gears. What about a very intimate, private ceremony (destination wedding) that you pay for? Then you demand that only first level relatives by law and bride/groom best friends attend. Demand he pay his own plane ticket. Demand he pay his own hotel room. Then demand that he either submits to your new terms or he stays home. Later on, you can have a bigger reception and include others. I will tell you, bee…my father and I are close and he can be pretty tight with money too (even though he has a sizeable family inheritance). He pulled some money stuff on me once, but not wedding related. That’s just wrong and off limits. Were I in your situation, I’d have no qualms about making adjustments to my original plans so things were still central to my and my FI’s matrimony…not some parental power play.

Post # 51
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I do not know if OP has gone away becuase she has not received the advice she is looking for (which I think we all agree, she is not goint to get what she wants), but I would like to hear back from her.  I am NOT taking her dad’s side, but I do have questions.

1.   Twistaway states that when she was growing up, she was told dad would pay for her wedding.  I am guessing that was more than a few years ago.  Much may have changed since then.  Her dad is now either divorced or not living with her mom.  We do not even know who told her.  In any event, promises to pay made years ago are meaningless and should not be counted on.

2.  Her dad is clearly angry.  We do not know whether that anger is fair or not, and even if fair whether it was fair to direct to OP and not her mom.   He could have been paying  large amounts of child support for years, and felt the mom did little to help out.  He may have paid for college and felt the mom should have kicked in.  We do not know.  He may have listened to the wedding plans and thought, wow, big party, mostly fiance’s relatives and some of moms.  He may think OP regards him only as a wallet.  He may have been bamboozeled (even if only in his own mind) by OPs mom, and thought, well if I give them $x, they will just have a brunch, I will be stuck paying for it all even thought my people will be a small group.   In short, we do not know the history.  

When all is said and done, I do not agree with how the dad handled it, but at the end of the day, I think OP  has to tone down the wedding. 

Post # 52
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee

w/o reading any of the other responses my advice would be not to accept shyt from him but a “congratulations” if he’s even offering that without terms.

 

i’m in petty betty mode when it comes to weddings lately so i also wouldn’t even respond to that nonsense other than to say “yeah ok dad” and then go on about planning my wedding without his money, input, or concern. everything would be “we’re still figuring out what we want” right up until the invite showed up in his mailbox.

Post # 53
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

I can’t believe you are actually considering accepting this “gift” from him. I understand wanting the wedding of your dreams but it should not come at the price of self respect.

 

I would never engage in a conversation with my dad about what my mom needs to do. Show proof of significant contribution or she won’t be allowed to attend. Pfft.

 

Obviously it’s your call bee but I wouldn’t be trading my self respect for a little bit of money.

Post # 55
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
juanita.kelly.9:  All these things could be true, but the appropriate reaction if he felt cheated, lied to, bamboozled would be to say “sorry no dice, no money” instead of providing an absurd list of conditions. He could have said I will give you $x and you have to figure out the rest, the budget from me is non-negotiable. There were things he could have said that would be reasonable even with bad history or anger, but this email is far from that.

Post # 56
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Luv2, I agree with everyone that the email was out of line.  It seems clear ot me that the DAD is NOT willing to give $x as he is afraid that OP will just have a less epensive affair, and he will end up subsidizing the mom,  the Future Mother-In-Law etc.   Given that, he could say, I will pay for MY guests,  let me know after you pick venue what that will come to. 

Post # 58
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
twistaway:  Sounds like a good, kind reply. Best of luck!

Post # 59
Member
2890 posts
Sugar bee

Reading this, I thought the father email sounded like a passive-aggressive response from someone who had been offended. He replied in a way so the OP could only decline his contribution. Maybe he felt OP was entitled to his money?

Anyway, I would decline. The demands are ridiculous. Pay for the wedding yourself. Most people are not well-off, yet they still manage to plan very nice weddings. 

Post # 60
Member
788 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
twistaway:  I know it would be so nice to be able to accept his money offer towards your wedding. Weddings are so expensive and I think we all really hope our parents will want to help out.

However, if I was in your situation I would decline his offer to help with the wedding. It isn’t worth it to get into a disagreement with him over his rules…it’s just one day of your life. If I really wanted those extra funds added to my wedding budget I would choose to set back the wedding date and just save save save myself for a bit longer.

Good luck, I’m really sorry this is happening to you.

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