Post # 1
Okay so one of FI’s friends messaged me on facebook (we have not sent out invites yet, just save the dates) and asked if he could bring his girlfriend. our rules for +1s were as follows
1. Wedding party may bring a date
2. If we know both people and are close to both then of course we would invite the couple
3. living together
4. married / engaged
I explained to him that we had rules as far as who we were inviting and that because we were paying per a person, we had to keep our list reasonable and within a budget.
He then responded with this “well, how much are you paying for a person, can’t i just give your parent’s some money and bring her?”
I thought this was so incredibly rude!! I don’t even know what to say!
Post # 3
OMG. Seriously?? Those are EXACTLY our rules, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do if someone said that to me. I mean, I guess I shouldn’t judge without knowing–is he going to know anyone else at the wedding? ie. Will he have people hang out with and talk to? If not, I can understand wanting to bring someone, though I think offering to pay, and asking about your per person cost, is incredibly tacky. Even if he won’t know anyone there, he needs to respect you and your rules about your wedding–but I would understand more if he was worried about being on his own all evening and feeling awkward. But, really, wow.
Post # 4
I’m sorry you are dealing with this, that is rude. You could just respond with a “we’re still far off from sending invites, but I’m worried about varying from the policy, because it could lead to hurt feelings if people are treated differently.” Your wedding isn’t until October, they could be living together or broken up by then.
Post # 5
Those are my rules, as well! Fiance and I don’t see the point of pending $85-$100 on someone we do not know or on a friend’s date who they just started seeing! Like the previous postr said, their might be the exception that he doesn’t know anyone else at the wedding but that’s it.
Post # 6
Honestly, this sounds more like lack of etiquette/wedding knowledge than outright rudeness.
Has he been with his girlfriend for a while? Do you/FI know her? He might just be surprised she wasn’t invited and responded in a bizarre way.
Post # 7
Seriously rude… but I agree that it was probably lack of understanding of wedding etiquette that led him to suggest what he did. Also, I’d chalk it up somewhat to the fact that it’s a guy (sorry guys!). I seriously doubt that a woman would even think to say what he did.
Post # 8
seems to me that LOTS of people lack the etiquette of how to behave at weddings, sending in RSVPs and all..
and just stay firm
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant
That’s a tough one…if he’s been with his gf for awhile and is considering popping the question, I can understand if he might be upset. Some couples may not live together because of reasons other than they’re not a “serious” couple! He was probably ignorant of manners, but I do see if they’ve been together for quite some time that he’d be confused.
Post # 10
A wedding isn’t a concert – you can’t just buy a ticket and get in! Since he’s your FI’s friend, I’d let him handle it since he’ll have a better feel for how the guy usually acts and when to take him seriously vs know that he’s joking or whatnot. I’d just tell him it’s not only about the budget, but want a more intimate wedding with only close friends and family, and not a bunch of strangers you never met, and if you make an exception for one person, it’s not fair to everyone else. Fingers crossed that he’s just clueless and wasn’t trying to be harsh…
Post # 11
Guys are usually super-clueless about wedding etiquette so I would not get offended. Younger guys especially have no idea what’s ok and not ok, but even with older guys who have been to weddings before, you’d be surprised.
Is there any reason you wouldn’t want her there if she was paid for? I would take him up on the offer, but that is just my personal opinion.
Post # 12
Hmm, I’m with hotchild on this one. I think it’s more of he’s a clueless guy who might not know that it’s not proper etiquette to invite his girlfriend to someone else’s wedding, and offer to pay for her. My thought is that he’s thinking he’s solving the problem by offering to pay. What he doesn’t realize is that this isn’t just a banquet that is charging guests a set rate for dinner. Not to mention, you might get some slack from other people with significant others you don’t know well for not inviting them with a plus one.
I would just let him know that it isn’t something that’s negotiable and you feel very badly about not being able to invite her, but you have budget and space restraints. If he decides that he doesn’t want to come without her, he doesn’t have to come at all.
Post # 13
I understand that people aren’t as familiar with wedding etiquette as we all are, but what if it was a dinner party? You send out invitations (though probably through evite), and someone writes back to ask if they can bring a guest. Not the end of the world, you let them know that you only have 8 chairs, and chose the friend for a reason. He responds by saying he’ll bring a chair.
It isn’t a perfect analogy, but part of that is because it is so ridiculous. No one would do that. I think people feel strangely entitled when it comes to a wedding. At the end of the day, the reception at least is just a fancy party with special meaning. If you wouldn’t do it with another social occasion, why would anyone do it for a wedding?
Post # 14
It sounds to me like a clueless guy, not that he was being rude on purpose…most guys are just not in the know about this. You could always say that if you have room later, you’d be willing to extend the invite (that is, if they’ve been dating long enough or you feel like, anyways).
Post # 15
To answer all the questions, yes he knows, well all of FI’s friends who will be at and IN the wedding. There will be no issues about him knowing her.
If I felt like they were serious it might be different. but
1. I have NEVER met her and neither has Fiance, granted he lives about 45 minutes away, but he has never purposefuly tried to bring her around when he comes to town.
2. They just recently broke up and got back together, they seem to do this a lot.
3. It’s not JUST about cost, I just don’t want to be at my own wedding and be thinking “who the hell is that?” lol.
4. We are also sewing all the chair sashes ourselves, making napkins ourselves, making place cards ourselves, making favors ourselves. And yes, one person isn’t much, but if we make the exception for him, we have to make it for everyone.
Post # 16
I agree that it is rude when people ask if they can bring someone or if they are invited to the wedding themselves. I think though as brides we know the rules because we are into it right now. I think it is important though not to tell people what your set guidelines are for inviting certain people. So he may have gotten thrown off by the comment of having rules.
I agree that since it is your FI’s friend he needs to follow-up with him. I would make sure the guy knows that it is because of budget and space reasons and that you’d love to have him there.