Post # 16
Let’s forget about Emma and talk about your Fiance. He yelled at you, and calls you “socially retarded” and “a loser”.
Your fiance is verbally abusive. Do not marry him. You yourself say his treatment of you is “emotionally harmful”. Do not sign up for a lifetime of this.
Post # 17
I agree that your fiancee should be more supportive towards your feelings. Give it some time and see if he’s able to give you more consideration once he’s cleared his mind? If he still isn’t then I really do think you need to heed everyone’s advice and think about if this is the person you should be marrying. Also I personally think that some people tend to see how partners treat each other and wrongfully use that as a guide for how they interact with you also. Maybe these people are seeing that your Fiance isn’t as respectful towards you and therefore they aren’t bothering to show you that courtesy as well?
I hope your situation works out in the best possible way for you!
Post # 18
Even giving them all the benefit of the doubt that’s never the way I would have handled it. I either 1) would have moved my party since her invites went out first or 2) if things were already booked then privately talked to the OP and explained the situation along with offering to do something at a different time.
Handling it this way was absolutely not at all considerate of OP’s feelings.
Post # 19
Oh I absolutely agree. I don’t think it was handled correctly at all. I just wanted to give the OP another perspective. I got the impression that she felt forgotten about or that they simply didn’t care about her at all which isn’t a nice feeling so I just wanted to point out that it could just be a matter of them lacking tact and not that they don’t give a sh*t about her. Some people just don’t handle sticky situations well.
Post # 20
The fact that your fiancé is good friends with a group of such shitty people should be alarming to you. The fact that your fiancé is a shitty person for not having your back should be even more alarming . Sounds like shitty people all around, but hey, birds of a feather….Just consider yourself lucky that you aren’t legally bound to him yet. Sorry to be harsh, but I really hope the comments you see here help to open your eyes. You deserve better hon.
Post # 21
honestly, all the stuff with Emma is pretty meh to me, but your Fiance sounds like a terrible, abusive person. You deserve someone who doesn’t say terrible things to you to make you feel bad about yourself.. (aka emotional abuse). Get out, seriously: it will only get worse with time. Go back to the people who actually care about you and leave him and his sub-par friends in the dust.
Post # 22
Not sure the thing with Emma is a big deal. I can see being hurt over it, but that’s small potatoes. The way your fiancé speaks to you absolutely wouldn’t fly with me. Not even once.
Post # 23
I really don’t understand the emma issue, she didn’t RSVP to your bachelorette and someone else emailed you an invite to her birthday? This really just sounds like a non issue, you didn’t even mention chasing up the RSVP, maybe she forgot, maybe it got lost. As for the birthday party, it sounds like her friends arranged it, not her.
There is no excuse for your Fiance being so rude but it does sound like your reaction to the emma stuff was over the top, I don’t think he was wrong the first time you talked about it and he told you to act like an adult.
Uninviting Emma for the reasons you listed is petty and immature.
Your Fiance is a prick.
Post # 24
I feel for you–my husband is very much an extrovert and loves big parties and lots of people around. I’m much more introverted. I’ve got a small group of old friends, but none live close to me & it’s been hard since we’ve moved to a new city a few years ago to make friends that are MY friends and not his friends or “couples” friends, who I wouldn’t hang out with individually. I’m not gonna lie, it kind of sucks. Our birthdays are a week apart (mine’s today, his was last week) and for his, his whole family drove out to visit and we threw a big party…mine, well…we just went out to a movie and he cooked me dinner and I don’t really expect that anyone else will even remember it besides my parents. It does make me kind of sad because I always feel like my birthdays are a let down because I don’t have that support system that he has. (Sorry, not trying to make this about me, just trying to say I can 100% empathize)
I totally get how you feel hurt/letdown/disappointed/emotional about the girls and your party. I get that way too. The thing that’s helped me though is realizing that it wasn’t really ME that wanted the party or all the attention…it was more so that I was worried about what other people thought…like I was embarrassed that nobody seemed to care that much about me. Now that I’m older I’ve realized it totally doesn’t matter–I know who actually cares (party or no party), and just because somebody will show up to your party and drink free beer does not mean they care. Like you said…it really is quality over quantity. It’s also important to undestand you can’t really be mad at people who don’t think of your friendship in the same way you do…like you said this girl was almost B-listed…so when it comes down to it even you didn’t think of her as that much of a friend. So, ultimately you need to try to look past your feelings and think about it rationally.
As far as your fiance…that’s super harsh. Like I said, my husband and I have a similar dynamic but he definitely doesn’t approach it the same way. He does encourage me to put myself out there and try to meet people because I do talk about being sad over not having close friends nearby…and I’m sure deep down he probably gets frustrated with me getting down (and having a pity party for myself) about something that to him is such an easy problem to solve…but he doesn’t say anything about it because he knows we’re different, and some problems that are easy for him are hard for me. I would also recommend rethinking your relationship–if you’re going to marry someone they need to accept you for who you are and not hurl insults at you and make you feel worse when you’re already emotionally vulnerable.
Post # 25
Your Fiance is a complete a hole.
No two ways about it. You not only don’t have friends there, you don’t have any support at home. I would consider moving back to your home town and dumping this creep. Socially “retarded”?! Bye Felipe.
Post # 26
Forget Emma, what are you going to do about your asshole FI? My husband would never ever ever even think about thinking what your Fiance said to you — it’s called respect and he clearly has none for you.
Post # 27
Who cares about this Emma person? Your Fiance sounds horrible! He’s calling you names, yelling at you, and putting you down. That is unacceptable. Why would you want to marry someone who treated you this way?!?!
Post # 28
Ugh, Bee, I’m sorry you are going through this. Even in the less than a handful of times I’ve been in a tough spot with a friend, I always knew I had my DH to count on. You should have that with your Fiance. He should always be in your corner, supporting you, comforting you, helping you deal with things. It absolutely seems like he is siding with his friends over this. Your post was a bit confusing to me, but I’m assuming these girls planned their party after receiving your invitation? Is it possible that there was a genuine mix-up and Emma’s party had already been in the works? Regardless, if that had been the case, I would assume Emma would reach out and let you know or offer to combine the parties.
To chime in with the others, your Fiance is being an absolute asshole. He should never, ever speak to you in such a way. He obviously does not support you and is showing that in his behavior and attitude. I’m sorry, I know that it’s easy for me to pass judgement, but I would not want to marry this guy. And this group of friends he surrounded himself with sounds like a bunch of jerks.
Post # 29
Thanks all (for the most part) for the supportive responses. I have read them and reflected. It’s so hard to see what’s happening when you are in it.
As for Emma, I now realize she just never wanted to be my friend as I had hoped. This wasn’t an elaborate birthday invite she sent. Just an email saying let’s all go out at X time at a to be determined bar. Just a few days before my birthday…that I sent invites for over a week ago. It is even more hurtful that she had the gall to have a “friend” send it to me, too. I also don’t think I clarified that a bridesmaid of mine is also copied on the email as an organizer. My gut says to uninvite all three of them and reneg on the bridesmaid. But I know I can’t just do that…I am so torn and hurt it is hard to express. I feel so disrespected you all are right that this shows their true colors. I was never part of their “clique”. It feels fake.
As for Fiance, reading the comments on how this is emotional abuse hit me hard. Since wedding planning started, he has made many comments about what a loser with no friends I am. That is not true. I also come from a rough upbringing so many comments also hit at how I don’t know how to be part of a family. He even demanded (drunkenly) that his sister be a bridesmaid when he knows how nervous I am about only having a small group of who I know with me on the day. I don’t know his sister well; it doesn’t mean I don’t like her! But now nearly every time I say something that is not accepting of an idea his family has, he often lashes out and says I hate them/don’t know how to be in a family. I can’t take it anymore. I feel so alone and sad. I hadn’t felt this down about myself for years until Fiance started lashing out at me.
I am so scared because deep inside I know I should probably leave him. I am smart, capable and deserve better.
But I am too embarrassed to tell anyone how he treats me. I fear I am in too deep to turn back. I told my mother once that he called me a bitch and I was crying. My mom’s response was – well, your father does that to me too sometimes. I didn’t realize this is something I should not have to deal with. How do I get out? Or fix it? I can’t live like this anymore. I’m scared that whenever I am who I am he does not like it and calls me names. Why would he want to marry me if I am supposedly so awful? I care deeply about my friends and worked hard to support myself in a good career despite many obstacles. It is so hurtful that he does not seem to like who I am and wants to change me.
Post # 30
Pack your bags and leave. Remember your self worth, which is waaaayyy more deserving than how this a-hole treats you. Do not settle with anyone that ever puts you down. Love from a spouse should be unconditional.