- 2 weeks ago
- Wedding: June 2022
Seeking some reassurance here 🙂
My fiance has predominantly female friends. He has two brothers, and a group of guy mates, but ultimately his closest friends – his three best friends – are women. One of them he has recently cut out because it emerged (after I suspected for 17 months) that she has been in love with him the whole time and has been inappropriate (came onto him in the past when we were already dating, and has consistently ignored my existence). It was a long time coming and he finally had the guts to cut her out. He’s also been working with a therapist to understand why he kept her in his life so long when he knew she hated me and was ignoring that he was in a relationship. She was living in another country the most of this time, so he didn’t ever meet up with her, but even by texting it was all uncomfortable for me – but she’s gone now and he realizes how he should have cut her out ages ago.
His other two best friends are also women. One is now a lesbian (!) and getting engaged to a woman. She is essentially his ‘best man’ and has always made an effort with me, included me, messaged me directly and I feel very comfortable with her. I found out last night when we were guest list planning that he used to have a crush on her 5 years ago but got over it, and even though they’ve drunkenly made out etc, the past 5 years they’ve been platonic friends and she is a big advocate of me. I feel fine with this. She is inclusive.
The other best friend, I found out a month ago he actually met her on Bumble 5 years ago, and they dated briefly (5 dates or so) and made out once. Apparently the make out was super awkward, she friend zoned him, and they stayed friends for five years after that. She has come on holiday with him, met his family, and apparently is also a big advocate of me – though I haven’t really met her or spoken to her, nor has she messaged me directly etc like the other one.
Anyway, come to guest list planning, and of course he wants to invite both of these. The first, I’m fine with – all good. The second, I somehow feel super triggered? I feel VERY uncomfortable as I know they met on a dating app, clearly attraction there, and kissed and what not, bla bla. I told him it’s not that I am saying NO she can’t come, but rather, hey, the recnet events with the other friend are very triggering and recent, so please help me feel comfortable – let’s set up a zoom call together, let me get to know her, let’s make this friendship inclusive so I feel safe and comfortable and excited about her coming.
He’s reacted very defensively and angrily, and basically said he gets it, won’t invite her, but is angry and furious and feels flat and checked out. I kept saying it’s not that she can’t come, but let’s take the time to make this really positive and inclusive. The same way that he knows ALL the friends I am inviting, and they are ALL inclusive, and I am not inviting any single guy friends I’ve kissed or dated, it’s all couples or gal pals who are fans of him, can he work with me to help me get comfortable with her.
He’s defensive and angry and shutting down, and I’m frustrated, feel angry, sad, and just hate this guest list process. Not sure what to do. I realize asking her not to come is excessive and ridiculous, but after all the drama with the other girl, I just wnat to see him including me and makin an effort to make me comfortable.
Am I being irrational here? Do I just let this go and let him invite whoever he wants and that’s that? What is the protocol?