Guestlist fights – fiance wants to invite two friends he's dated

posted 2 weeks ago in Guests
Post # 61
Member
3083 posts
Sugar bee

There’s a lot of red flags here, and now you’re trying to backtrack and say it’s really not that bad. You’re clearly not open to advice, so I don’t know why you posted. Be prepared to keep dealing with a sketchy husband your whole marriage.

Post # 62
Member
2145 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I wouldn’t be ok with my husband having female friends that ONLY didn’t end up as romantic becuase THEY didn’t want to date him. Wtf is that?! What would have happened or would happen now if any of those woman he wanted to date actually wanted to date him too? That’s such a red flag OP. The only reason he didn’t date these woman is becuase THEY SAID NO. If they had said yes he would have gone for it. Gross. 

As another poster said, she wouldn’t want to date a guy who built his friend circle with bumble. Frankly I wouldn’t either. It’s beyond strange. At any point he could have made friends with his coworkers, or joined a local meet up group around an activity he likes or a hobby. I would argue that men have a way easier time making friends than women do btw. He could legit show up at a meet up group for hiking and make some instant guy friends. And OP if you are going to stick with this guy he needs to make this shift NOW. I would tell him point blank that if he wants more friends he needs to go make them, appropriate ones, from groups locally, based on similar hobbies enjoyed NOT on a dating app. 

Sounds like your finding excuses to stay becuase you don’t want to break up. Fine, but please still get pre marital counseling to cover your bases. Dont just bury your head in the sand and cross your fingers. 

and I’m sorry, but seriously?! He is basically saying, hey btw the majority of my friends are woman I wanted to bang and met on a dating app but they rejected me, and you were like ok! Becuase that’s ok and normal… such a great idea to be marrying a dude who hangs out with women he is admittedly attracted to… that’s a recipe for cheating 100000% WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. 

Post # 63
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I think if you marry this guy you are setting yourself up to deal with these same issues throughout your marriage.  He won’t magically learn better boundaries because you are married.  He definitely wont be less defibsive about his female friends once you get married.  And whatever looming feelings you have that have resulted in you feeling apprehensive about inviting his female friend to the wedding will still be there.  Imagine arguing about her attending your baby shower, your news years eve parties, his birthday parties etc.

If these things frustrate you now and you two can’t resolve them in a way that leaves you feeling secure then you are setting your marriage up for failure.  I’m saying this as someone who dated a ladies man (and left him thankfully) that never understood boundaries.  If he doesn’t set them, his friends will walk all over you as an fyi.  Good luck!

Post # 64
Member
2041 posts
Buzzing bee

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. If he’s defensive, there’s probably a good reason for it.

After the stunt he pulled with the first woman, he should have been proving to you that he has 100% learned from that situation and doing whatever it takes to prevent that from ever happening again.

Then he gets immediately angry and defensive because you want to get to know his other close girl friend. Not because you don’t want to invite her; because you want to get to know her. If that is not a gigantic red flag that screams that there’s more that he’s hiding than idk what is.

For another thing, I’m not sure why you didn’t already know her well if she’s so close to him.

So he has, in quick succession, given you reasons not to trust him. This is not a one-off- this is a pattern. This gives me narcicisstic vibes that he needs to maintain a harem of women that he’s dated and that he prioritizes their feelings over yours. He prioritized that other girl’s feelings over yours for over a year. And now he’s flipping out at you for just wanting to get to know one of the other girls. Again, he is showing you he doesn’t care about how you feel and he’s not changing it. He learned nothing from therapy clearly but he’s doing the same shit- refusing to prioritize your feelings.

You have been completely reasonable. You were not suggesting you not invite her- you just wanted to get to know her better. It’s highly suspicious that he doesn’t want you to get to know her.

And stop saying he wants to set up a Zoom call- he doesn’t. He claimed that and then you called his bluff and suddenly he’s catastrophizing about how none of his friends can come. He absolutely does not want you to talk to her.

If he had learned anything from his previous screwup, you would have already had the zoom call with his friend.

So basically you are signing up for a lifetime of boundary issues and insecurity. And you are doing it knowingly. Don’t say we didn’t warn you

Post # 65
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

I think we shouldn’t judge her for being cool with having people with history at the wedding, I think she’s really mature for being able to say “I think we should meet first”. 

Everyone’s different and has different boundaries. 

HOWEVER, his behaviour is not acceptable and he’s definitely making excuses about timezones etc. I hate to say it but I think he’s hiding something. 

ultimately, if you want to marry each other, there needs to be more listening on his side, understanding and really HEARING what you are saying. He must reassess his priorities and if you’re not top of the list (obviously with his profession too) then I would walk, I’m afraid. 

Post # 66
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

How old are you two and how long have you been together?

This all just seems to be so RECENT to me. 2016/2017 feel like just yesterday sometimes. 

Why are most of his ‘best friends’ women he has been with as recently as 3/4 years ago.

In my case my group of best girl friends have been friends for 20-25 years, since we were 10-13. My college friends have been around 12 years and work friends 8 years. Most friends I have made in the past 5 years would be considered more acquaintances. 

Post # 67
Member
1410 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: USA

View original reply
@katey1234:  This is just my opinion, but I feel like the big reason one would want to keep around an ex they had a crush on, is because they subconsciously are wanting to keep doors open. It’s one thing to part mutually “we went in different directions”… “she came out as a lesbian”… etc. when you have ZERO feelings left over after the break up. But, from the way these relationships/dating interludes ended, it sounds like they friendzoned him but he still carried torches for them, and just couldn’t let go but still wanted to be in their lives (in whatever way they would allow) because of his feelings. He would never admit this to be sure, but that’s the whole vibe I get based on his defensiveness toward opening those relationships up to you. It feels almost covetous or something. What if one of these exes showed up at the wedding, got drunk, and came on to him? Would he stop them? Hm… I don’t like where my mind goes when I think about that. My trust in him would be pretty shaky right now. 

Post # 68
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

I hope this resolved OK? 

Post # 69
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
@katey1234:  I understand your feelings but I do think you’re overthinking it. the concerns and worries you have are going to be there now and after the wedding whether they’re at the actual wedding or not. 

you’re going to be doing a lot of celebrating at the wedding you’re going to be very busy and if they happen to be there enjoying some wedding cake truth is you very well might not even notice. Unless you think they are disruptive people who will do something to ruin things or say or do something inappropriate I really just wouldn’t worry about it and if you can invite them I just would. They may not even be able to come anyhow. 

As somebody with a lot of guy friends I have a feeling this whole situation may cause more problem if you don’t invite them in the long run then if you do. I just don’t think you necessarily have a whole lot to worry about it’ll all be okay

Post # 70
Member
953 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

View original reply
@birdallove:  She’s overthinking it when her fiancé recently had an emotional affair with another ex-flame and suspiciously refuses to have her meet this friend who is also an ex-flame? Terrible advice that ignores the complexity of the situation.

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