(Closed) Guest's Date is married… to someone other than the guest.

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 47
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

Not sure if this has been posted or not yet, but OP, are you friends with the spouse being cheated on, or do you care about him/her at all? Because if you do, and you allow this person to bring their mistress or whatever, then you are also disrespecting their marriage on a day where commitment is supposed to be celebrated … furthermore, it would come off to me (as the gilted spouse) that you condone the behavior … Your call, but that person would get a big, fat, crusty Hell No from me, regardless of the circumstances of his/her marriage … He/she can disp,ay their plaything in a setting other than a wedding, and it shows incredible lack of class to try and bring that person to your wedding.

Post # 48
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
@j_jaye:  I agree with you 100%

To the OP:

No one really knows the kind of relationship these people have except themselves. They very well may be polyamorous, in an open marriage or separated or any other arrangement that you haven’t thought of. How well does your husband know this friend of his? Have they ever talked about his friend’s relationship? Or is everyone just assuming they are sneaking around? 

I invited a friend of mine and his girlfriend who is married to someone else to my wedding.  I truly don’t see what all the fuss is about and why all the snarky comments. Would you really spend time on your wedding calling this woman out? What exactly would your goal be there? There is a lot of name calling and judgement on this thread. How is their presence threatening to your marriage? You already said they don’t know anyone else, so no one but you will know and why do you even care? 

Post # 49
Member
7472 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, I say mind your own business and don’t concern yourself. You gave the guest a +1, and this is how they choose to use it. You don’t know what’s going in within that person’s marriage. Either way, it’s not your place to dictate who your friend is seeing. 

Do I think it’s tacky? Of course! Bringing your mistress to celebrate a wedding? It’s like an oxymoron. That being said, it’s none of my business. At the least, I’d point them out to the photographer and make sure they get some intimate photos of them together. I’d make sure they made it onto facebook too. 🙂

Post # 50
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee

@mrsfun:  This is the sort of thing that happens when you follow the common trend of the last several years, instead of the “antiquated” etiquette that has been tested over decades and more to provide a safeguard against exactly such abuses. Traditional formal etiquette says that every guest should be invited by the hostess, by name, by an invitation sent to his or her own home. Inviting people as “and guest” — making them the “guest of a guest” is a kind of second-class hospitality, and unkind to them. But it is also a tremendous risk to you, the hostess. Despite all the young hostesses who confidently state “oh, but ALL my friends can be trusted, or they wouldn’t be my friends” situations like this arise over and over when the hostess relegates control of her guest list to her first-string guests and lets them pick the second-string.

And if you think this incident is bad, consider the case of my friend who recently chose to bring her father as her “plus one” to an afternoon reception (NOT one hosted by me!) What is wrong with that, you ask? Well, the fact that he just got out of jail after serving two years for late-discovery incestuous child rape. But she has decided to forgive him, you see, and has decided that makes him acceptable to all her friends too, even ones whose minor grand and great-grand nieces and nephews were present. I have heard of guests who chose to invite the bride’s ex-husband, and of guests who chose to invite the maid-of-honour’s rapist. We all have friends who have issues in their past that lead them to make occasionally dubious choices. Recognizing that and keeping them as friends anyway is virtuous. Keeping them as friends, but not giving them the chance to make dubious choices about your wedding guest-list is both virtuous and smart.

None of which helps you now, but it might help someone else who was thinking of sending out “and guest” invitations. Your best option now is what others have suggested: that your fiance take his friend aside and remind him of the standard of behaviour to be expected by a gentleman. Because if your fiance does not make that clear, your brothers or your cousins might just take this “friend” out back and convince him that he has been taken suddenly ill and needs to leave. I know that my kinsmen would consider flaunting infidelity in front of a bride on her wedding day to be a deadly insult. And insulted kinsmen create all manner of awkwardness, and causes intergenerational feuds worthy of the Hatfields and McCoys. Far better if the adulterer re-thinks his clever plan.

 

Post # 51
Member
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Was the invite to your friend and his wife? If so, you have every right to tell them their mistress can’t come as she was not invited. If not, you really can’t say anything.

Post # 52
Member
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Mind your business.

Post # 53
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

A light version of this happened at my wedding. My husbands best man was planning to break up with his girlfriend of 4 years for another woman but hadn’t done it yet. About 3 days beforehand he called and asked if he could bring his other lady as his date instead! DH didn’t have a problem with it so I let it go, but I felt so bad for his girlfriend. She had to have seen the wedding photos on his Facebook or something and realized what had happened…

Post # 54
Member
1609 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Let it be and enjoy your day.  What other people do in their personal lives is nobody’s business. Is he seperated from his wife and just not divorced?  

Post # 55
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ummm HECK no.

Not an option… it is your wedding day… why on earth should you be expected to have to look at that.. and have this adulterous pair ‘celebrate’ your wedding.

That’s a type of celebration I have no interest in. Ever.

I think you need to call them and clarify some things.. and honestly, who cares if they think you’re being ‘rude’… their entire relationship is rude.. and even ruder to try and subject everyone else to it and make them part and parcel to the deception.

Post # 56
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018 - SLS Las Vegas

View original reply
@ellie-b:  +1

Post # 57
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee

My first husband cheated on me many times (I didn’t know it when it was happening, just when the last one occured).  Knowing how devastating that is to the faithful spouse, there is NO WAY they would be attending any event I was hosting.

If I am hosting a wedding, you are not bringing your married lover as your date.  If I am hosting a Super Bowl party, a Sunday brunch, or Saturday evening BBQ, you are NOT bringing your married lover.

Having been through it, it isn’t a case of mind your own business.  It is a case of not tolerating such behavior – if you do you are party to it.

I had LOTS of (former) friends who knew my husband was cheating on me.  Instead of making sure I kenw about it everyone minded their own business while I was at risk for STDs.  They are not my friends any longer.

Post # 58
Member
3459 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@aspasia475:  slow clap.

Post # 59
Member
3336 posts
Sugar bee

@mrsfun:  Unfortunately, your error in inviting someone not by name is what has caused this situation.

If you invite someone with a +1 or and guest, you do NOT get to have a say in who that person is.  If you didn’t want this situation, then you could have follwed proper etiquette, called your guest up, asked who he wanted as his date and invited them by name.  That would have been your chance to say “Sorry Sam, but I am not comfortble with you bringing a married woman” (though I still think you should mind your own business). 

But you didn’t and your chance to say something has passed.

I also fail to see how someone else’s relationship has any bearing on the celebration of your marriage.  There will be other married couples there that are probably miserable in their marriages, are they defiling your commitment?

Post # 60
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

This would not be okay with me at all! You could always let them come and during your vows when you say “I promise to be faithful…” shoot them a nasty glare lol

Post # 61
Member
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I really think that since you gave this guest a +1 you can’t really tell them who to bring. I would just stay quiet about it and don’t stress about it… it shows more about their character and doesn’t reflect on you and on the day you probably won’t even notice. Plus, you really don’t know the whole situation.

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