Post # 62
If this were based on rumor I wouldn’t bring anything up. My Fiance has had various conversations about the relationship, and has encouraged them to end it various times. From the conversations we know that Married Date is “happily, monogamously married” as far as their spouse knows. This has been going on for years now.
@Miss Circe: @rosworms:
Hah. Publish photos online with a caption naming them both… Not going to lie, it crossed my mind. A few times. I don’t know that I can be that mean though. Or that I want them in photos. But if they happen to go in the photo-booth… well it can’t be helped, can it?
Yes. Absolutely. You’re 100% correct. I definitely would have, and did for everyone else except the bridal party. (We’re related to half of them and the other half is married, so different situation.) Unfortunately this was a last minute “oh no, we gave Guest a single spot, they don’t know anyone but us.” So Fiance called and told them, bring a date. (Yes, bad planning, bad etiquette, mea culpa, but mistakes happen.) We assumed there would be some common sense on the part of Guest… But obviously we all know what happens when we assume.
I’m sorry, that’s horrible :/ If I knew the spouse at all, you bet I’d make sure they were aware of the situation.
To all the “mind your business” people: I don’t care what they do on their time, but celebrating a marriage with an adulterous relationship is like hosting a baby shower at an abortion clinic. Oxymoron to say the least, and definitely insulting IMO (which is that, an opinion) No, it won’t have a bearing on my relationship, but I wouldn’t want my wedding to be a date for someone who obviously has no respect for marriage. Snarky “that’s not very Christian of you” comments don’t help anyone.
There’s a saying in spanish that says, “tanta culpa tiene el que mata la vaca como el que le aguanta la pata” (The person who holds the cow down is just as guilty as the one who kills it.) I wish beyond wishing that I didn’t know about the situation. Ignorance in this case really would be bliss. It looks like I might just have to feign it.
Post # 63
I agree completely. While it would make me sick, it’s not my business. It’s between them and God. Let he without sin cast the first stone.
As hard as it would be for me, I’d let it go and just try to steer clear… Trust me, it would make me sick, but it’s not up to you to judge.
Post # 64
I will say, I would NOT walk on eggshells with pictures and posting them, etc. This is THEIR risk, your job is not to cover for them.
Post # 65
Okay, one more… I kind of changed my mind.
While I would try not to judge them, I would also ask that she not come to my wedding. Period. For MYSELF, I would pray for them and try to not judge. For my wedding, I would ask that she not be in attendance because you don’t want to be involved in it in any way, shape or form.
Post # 66
@mrsfun: did you address the invitation to the husband and wife?
if you invited husband and wife and huband responded with him and mistress, you can call and say the mistress is not invited.
however, if man is single and is bringing a married woman and you invited him with a guest, then this is the guest he chose to bring and nothing you can really do about it.
Post # 67
Everything you just said regarding using a name on invites. +10
We are NOT doing +1’s that say “and guest” for this very reason: there are too many people that hang around the fringes of our social circle that I could see someone inviting as a date. To avoid this, we will *know and like* everyone that attends.
…but, it’s a little late for that. I’m going to go against the grain here and say I wouldn’t care if I were you. I have plenty of my own issues and, frankly, do not have the time, energy or interest in dealing with those of other people.
It certainly is your day, and you can still call him and say “you aren’t bringing her and we BOTH know why”…just do not be surprised if he doesnt attend at all.
Post # 68
Thing is if you (not you OP just the general you) to start regularting your guests personal lives in relation to disinviting guests, if there was magical way to peak into the lives of your guests, the majority probably wouldn’t make the cut. Frankly, many of to wedded to be couples themselves shouldn’t be standing up there. Its a private matter.
Post # 70
Well you have two options that I can see:
1. Ignore the person on your wedding day and try not to let it bother you and chalk it up to next time finding out the specific name of a person they are bringing.
2. Have your Fiance approach your friend and say “We didn’t realize that Mrs. Smith and her husband were separated.” If he responds “yes, it was recent” then great. If he responds “uh, no they aren’t” then Fiance could reply “this is really awkward, and I don’t mean to pry into your personal relationship, but Fiance & I feel very uncomfortable that you’ve invited Mrs. Smith as your date when we’re celebrating our marriage. Is there someone else you might consider bringing instead?”
Post # 71
@mrsfun: Are you certain the married couple aren’t in the midst of a divorce? If they are, would it matter to you? If can’t hurt to address it with the offending spouse…also, it’s unlikely that the non-cheating spouse doesn’t know what’s going on…it’s not like there won’t be pics of the wedding all over FB and s/he won’t see their spouse (and hear about it from other guests attending) with this other person…
Post # 72
Or, if you don’t mind the potential disruption at your wedding, and enjoy a little distal drama, consider that married couples are a social unit who must be invited together. You could feign complete ignorance of the backstory, and send an invitation to Mr and Mrs Happily Monogamous. Include a personal note saying “we have a mutual friend in Mr Richard Guest, who has specifically asked me to invite you. I look forward to meeting you both.” And then, of course, seat the three of them together.
But of course, I perfectly understand if you would rather not. And it might not be terribly kind to the innocent third party 🙁
Post # 73
Social niceties can be so evil when delicately employed in that way! I couldn’t do this myself, but dear OP, I do hope you do – and tell us about it…
Post # 74
It’s funny cause weddings are typically highly photographed events full of people that know each other. Doesn’t sound like the best environment for keeping your mistress a secret. Photos on facebook? Friends who know his wife? And what about you guys and his wife? Is she friends with the two of you? She’s not curious as to why she’s not going/invited/where he’ll be or whatever the hell he’s got figured out? Sounds like a horrible plan on this friend’s part. Not very smooth affair-ing.
Post # 75
As bad as adultery is, so is maliciousness and judgement and self-righteousness. What your friend is doing is douchey, yes. I will say that we are sometimes sympathetic to our female friends in adulterous relationships. She says, “I love him. His wife doesn’t understand him. He’s going to leave her.” It’s actually sad. Maybe your FI’s friend is truly in love with this woman, if misguided. It’s dishonest and fucked up but everyone has their reasons for doing what they do.
I believe you wrote, “and guest.” Nothing to be done. He gets to choose who he brings. And as for not inviting guests because they are disrespecting the sanctity of marriage, are you disinviting divorced guests, guests who had affairs in the past, guests with crappy marriages, etc. They are there to celebrate your marriage, not marriage in general.
And your baby shower at an abortion clinic comment was in poor taste.
Post # 76
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
I would not allow that at my wedding. Especially if you know this guest’s actual spouse. How would it look if their spouse found out that you allowed this friend to bring their “other” person to your wedding? Im of the mindset that I don’t want to be a guilty party in anyway, meaning I don’t want to witness your dirtiness. Allowing this type of thing at my wedding would make me a “guilty” party since I knowingly allowed these two to have an outing at my expense. NO thanks. Plus, it’s a wedding. not really an appropriate place to bring the person you are cheating with. Im a jerk anyway though so if for some reason it did slip through and I seen it, I would walk up and say “oh…. I didn’t realize you weren’t bringing your wifehusband… Interesting”. It really bothers me when friends stand by and allow cheating ot happen when they know both spouses. I would feel like such a fool if Fiance was cheating and my friends not only knew about it, but had this other person as a guest to something as big as a wedding. Even if you don’t know the spouse, I still wouldn’t allow it.