(Closed) Guests enjoyment more important than bride and groom's wishes and comfort?

posted 5 years ago in Guests
Post # 91
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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clarebeemarried:  Does it make you feel better to imagine that everyone who disagrees with you is angry? You keep saying that “why so angry”, but I don’t see it here so I’m not sure why you keep going to that. Regardless, I don’t care to watch the videos because like 99% of people in the world, I find speeches boring. And again, it boils down to the people paying for the party get to make decisions about the party. If you don’t like it, pay for your own party. Although this particular issue is probably not worth throwing in the towel for since they probably won’t grab the microphone from their son’s hand. But the fact that you’re focusing on it to this degree is telling.

Post # 92
329 posts
Helper bee

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clarebeemarried: Oh good~ I saw the video you posted (which is VERY lovely by the way! If we had the money, I probably would have pushed for that kind of videographer) and even that video is just 11-ish minutes in length. 

I know your Fiance is already talking to his parents, but I wouldn’t present it as twenty minutes of speeches. Just say it’s a few speeches, no more than 3 minutes, with your FI’s speech being longer. Nobody is going to carry a stopwatch that night so if someone hits the 5 minute mark, then whatever. Tell them to drink more alcohol or something to get through that extra 2 minutes. 

I think it makes sense for your Fiance to do a longer speech if giving speeches and telling stories is what he does for a living. He can probably read the room too and know when to shut things down. But yeah, glad you like the idea of breaking it up. πŸ™‚

Post # 94
1836 posts
Buzzing bee

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clarebeemarried:  Your Future Mother-In-Law is correct — when you host your primary responsibility is to your guests. That is why etiquette exists … to curb this “me, me, me, my day!” stuff. If they are paying, they decide. Now obviously, Future Mother-In-Law shouldn’t make it all about her–but it doesn’t sound like she is. And she is very right about the plus ones. You want something else, pay for it yourself.

Post # 96
1245 posts
Bumble bee

I read to page 3, and am shocked at many of responses to OP. No suggestions, but best wishes! I can’t believe how anti-semitic you are ;-)!

Post # 97
458 posts
Helper bee

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ETA just seen your latest update. good message! Let us know it goes!

**hugs** bee. Don’t give up on this site yet πŸ™‚ The thing about The Bee is that there are some bee-trigger topics (no pay no say, bridal party plus 1s, bridesmaids doing any more work than turning up on the day etc.) that are practically guaranteed to get the bees all a buzzing and many can be quick to anger without fully considering the OP might be a kind, thoughtful person that maybe just needs some helpful guidance. In real life there are certain people’s opinions and advice that you really value and there are certain people you wouldn’t listen to in a million years. Unfortunately on the Intrnet once you put stuff out there anyone’s able to give their 2 cents; if you can disregard the unnecessarily mean or poorly reasoned comments that you wouldn’t listen to in “real life” the bee can still be a great place to get advice πŸ™‚

When it comes to who’s paying and who’s calling the shots it’s all about what’s agreed upfront. Unfortunately what you’re seeing is that you Future Mother-In-Law is of the opinion that whoever pays gets final say and as you’ve mentioned you were under the impression that the money was a gift to do with as you wish and you and your Fiance get final say; it’s just unfortunate that this wasn’t discussed upfront. Fiance and I knew that for our wedding we wanted full control. My parents offered to pay for it so I asked them if there was anything in particular they wanted. They said their only want was that if we have a “proper/traditional” wedding (e.g not an elopement or courthouse etc.) that there were a few guests they wanted there, but also if we choose to get married in a courthouse and spend the money on an epic honeymoon instead they’d be fine with that too.

At this point I would speak to your Future Mother-In-Law but just be aware that where you had one impression of how things would be she had the other impression, and at this point it doesn’t seem like anyone’s necessarily in the wrong. You could possibly apologise about the miscommunication and that you didn’t clarify upfront but that you incorrectly assume the money was a gift to do with as you wished, that you thought ultimately you and Fiance would still fully decide how you wanted the wedding to be. That you really appreciate the gift and don’t to give the impression you’re rudely throwing it back in her face however you would like the chance to renegotiate the terms of the money and maybe reach a  compromise, however that you fully understand this may not be what she intended the money to be used for and in which case you would fully understand that she takes her money back and you and your Fiance plan the wedding on your terms instead.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  berrybelle.
Post # 99
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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clarebeemarried:  That sounds pretty good!  Can I ask why he didn’t just ask them verbally?  If he’s Mr. Speech it seems like sitting down and talking would be better and more personal than email.

Post # 101
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

For our wedding, our main focus was ensuring our guests were happy, comfortable, well-fed, and provided with drinks. If our guests were not having a good time, we would have missed the mark. So yes, I do believe the reception should be all about your guests.

However, this is still YOUR wedding. You only get one. You should not have a wedding you don’t want. The tricky part is that someone else is paying for it and making requests, which seems reasonable to me. So you definitely have to make concessions for your Future Mother-In-Law. I don’t think that every person needs a plus one though. We did not want our wedding filled with strangers. So being selective about the plus ones is very acceptable. We privately asked our single friends if they would like to bring a plus one – none of them said yes…..

I’m 99.999% positive that if you and your Fiance have a calm, rational, heartfelt conversation with your Future Mother-In-Law about your wishes for your wedding, she will be reasonable. She ultimately wants you to have the wedding of your dreams, she just has other ideas as to what that might look like. You need to let her know what it looks like for you.

And if she is really being stubborn about not letting you have the wedding you want, I would strongly suggest thanking her for her generous offer, but you will be having a smaller wedding that you two will be paying for yourself.

Post # 103
6834 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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clarebeemarried:  So having waded through this mess of a thread, here’s my perspective.

First it’s clear that you now understand that yes, your guests comfort is important and that your initial perspective was off target.

Plus 1s – This needs to be all or nothing.  It is unkind for Mother-In-Law to extend a +1 to her family/friends but not to yours.  Facts is facts.  And no, I would not have fun at a wedding without a +1.  I wouldn’t dance and I get bored just sitting at a table after awhile.  It’s better with family but as others have pointed out, not everyone actually enjoys being around their family.  I think Mother-In-Law needs to decide if she’s going to allow them and if so, allow it for ALL, not just some.  If she can’t afford it, then it’s time to cut the guest list.

Speeches – it’s important to your husband. I don’t think she gets a say here, except maybe to limit how long they run.  This has nothing to do with what she’s paying for – speeches are free.  Additionally, you an just give a speech (toast) during the meal if you like, which means people can eat while listening and not waste precious dancing minutes.  I will admit that I don’t care for speeches at weddings at all – I find them narcissistic.  But he’s a professional storyteller?  I bet that’s pretty interesting.  Plus it’s something he finds very important, not just some weird weddingy obligation.  Just fit it into the schedule and move on, no more discussion.

Keeping it small – I absolutely understand wanting people you know at the wedding, not a bunch of strangers.  That’s how we worked ours.  But we did pay and we did invite +1s for all our guests, so there would feasibly have been a few strangers there.  In the end, just one person that neither one of us had met before attended and that was fine.  It was also a 30-some person event, not a big one.  It’s not a all-Jewish thing to have masses of strangers at the wedding.  My mom’s family is Jewish and all of us who are married had the event we wanted, not the event they wanted.  And all our weddings were smallish and casual.  At the same time, the anti-semitic comment was so far out of line I don’t even know where that bee picked up the idea from.  Ignore it, it was just one person who clearly has a chip on her shoulder.  You said nothing inappropriate.  Don’t let it color the advice you’re getting from everyone else.

ultimately everyone is right: if you want the wedding exactly as you want it, then decline the gift (she can be as offended as she likes, the strings may be too many if she won’t compromise) and have the wedding you can afford.

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