Post # 91
clarebeemarried: Does it make you feel better to imagine that everyone who disagrees with you is angry? You keep saying that “why so angry”, but I don’t see it here so I’m not sure why you keep going to that. Regardless, I don’t care to watch the videos because like 99% of people in the world, I find speeches boring. And again, it boils down to the people paying for the party get to make decisions about the party. If you don’t like it, pay for your own party. Although this particular issue is probably not worth throwing in the towel for since they probably won’t grab the microphone from their son’s hand. But the fact that you’re focusing on it to this degree is telling.
Post # 92
clarebeemarried: Oh good~ I saw the video you posted (which is VERY lovely by the way! If we had the money, I probably would have pushed for that kind of videographer) and even that video is just 11-ish minutes in length.
I know your Fiance is already talking to his parents, but I wouldn’t present it as twenty minutes of speeches. Just say it’s a few speeches, no more than 3 minutes, with your FI’s speech being longer. Nobody is going to carry a stopwatch that night so if someone hits the 5 minute mark, then whatever. Tell them to drink more alcohol or something to get through that extra 2 minutes.
I think it makes sense for your Fiance to do a longer speech if giving speeches and telling stories is what he does for a living. He can probably read the room too and know when to shut things down. But yeah, glad you like the idea of breaking it up. 🙂
Post # 93
palebluepetals: I certainly didn’t “blame” Jewish people for parents inviting losts of friends. I simply said that it’s totally normal in Jewish culture, and totally NOT normal in mine.
And sorry, the speeches are a central part of this wedding. If people know and love my fiance enough that they are invited to this wedding, then they should not onlyexpect it, but be excited about it! He’s very talented.
And so.. there you bring me to the people who don’t know him, or me. Yes, they will be bored. Perhaps it is more poilte not to invite them to something that you know they will not enjoy. Just a thought.
Post # 94
clarebeemarried: Your Future Mother-In-Law is correct — when you host your primary responsibility is to your guests. That is why etiquette exists … to curb this “me, me, me, my day!” stuff. If they are paying, they decide. Now obviously, Future Mother-In-Law shouldn’t make it all about her–but it doesn’t sound like she is. And she is very right about the plus ones. You want something else, pay for it yourself.
Post # 95
For those who helped this morning, thank you. I want you to know your thoughtful advice has already been actioned, FI sent this message to his parents:
“Thanks for the talk last night and this morning. I really want you both to be happy at our wedding. My Fiancee and I were both so moved by you offering to pay for our wedding. I still am. I think that the miscommunication was that I thought that you were giving us the wedding as a gift. It sounds like you’re offering to throw us the wedding as hosts, which is also incredibly generous but means that it’s your party for us and you obviously get to decide how it will be.
Can you please let me know which one it is? Either is okay. If it’s not a gift, but an event that you want to throw for us then we would rather have a wedding that is 100% the wedding that we want. I understand that you don’t want to bore your friends. Speeches are important to me and I really want my parents to speak at my wedding and to play an important role. We don’t want long/too many speeches, but I do want you guys to speak. And my friends. The speeches are the key part for our whole wedding video. Please let us know.
I’m incredibly touched by your offer – incredibly – and it sounds like I misunderstood the offer. If you feel that you should have an equal say in the wedding or not pay for it, that’s understandable and not what I want. I want you and your friends and family to be honoured at my wedding – but for me to decide how to do that. I think that it might come down to me thinking that you were offering to help us put on our dream wedding as apposed to hosting a wedding for us, which I understand now are two slightly different things and have lead to disagreeents and tension. I really don’t 5 more months of making you two upset.”
You see why I am marrying this man?? 🙂
Post # 96
I read to page 3, and am shocked at many of responses to OP. No suggestions, but best wishes! I can’t believe how anti-semitic you are ;-)!
Post # 97
ETA just seen your latest update. good message! Let us know it goes!
**hugs** bee. Don’t give up on this site yet 🙂 The thing about The Bee is that there are some bee-trigger topics (no pay no say, bridal party plus 1s, bridesmaids doing any more work than turning up on the day etc.) that are practically guaranteed to get the bees all a buzzing and many can be quick to anger without fully considering the OP might be a kind, thoughtful person that maybe just needs some helpful guidance. In real life there are certain people’s opinions and advice that you really value and there are certain people you wouldn’t listen to in a million years. Unfortunately on the Intrnet once you put stuff out there anyone’s able to give their 2 cents; if you can disregard the unnecessarily mean or poorly reasoned comments that you wouldn’t listen to in “real life” the bee can still be a great place to get advice 🙂
When it comes to who’s paying and who’s calling the shots it’s all about what’s agreed upfront. Unfortunately what you’re seeing is that you Future Mother-In-Law is of the opinion that whoever pays gets final say and as you’ve mentioned you were under the impression that the money was a gift to do with as you wish and you and your Fiance get final say; it’s just unfortunate that this wasn’t discussed upfront. Fiance and I knew that for our wedding we wanted full control. My parents offered to pay for it so I asked them if there was anything in particular they wanted. They said their only want was that if we have a “proper/traditional” wedding (e.g not an elopement or courthouse etc.) that there were a few guests they wanted there, but also if we choose to get married in a courthouse and spend the money on an epic honeymoon instead they’d be fine with that too.
At this point I would speak to your Future Mother-In-Law but just be aware that where you had one impression of how things would be she had the other impression, and at this point it doesn’t seem like anyone’s necessarily in the wrong. You could possibly apologise about the miscommunication and that you didn’t clarify upfront but that you incorrectly assume the money was a gift to do with as you wished, that you thought ultimately you and Fiance would still fully decide how you wanted the wedding to be. That you really appreciate the gift and don’t to give the impression you’re rudely throwing it back in her face however you would like the chance to renegotiate the terms of the money and maybe reach a compromise, however that you fully understand this may not be what she intended the money to be used for and in which case you would fully understand that she takes her money back and you and your Fiance plan the wedding on your terms instead.
Post # 98
beemyname: Thank you. Under all the nastiness, there were some wonderful helpful truth-nuggets that have already helped me and Fiance open up a better dialogue with his parents and ask for clarification around hosting vs gifting.
Despite feeling incredibly beat up by some nastiness, overall I’m very gratful to the people who tool the time to offer thoughtful insights and advice, and thankfully I work on the internet so I’m quite adept at dealing with those who choose to speak differently online than they ever would behave in person.
Cheers for the support
Post # 99
clarebeemarried: That sounds pretty good! Can I ask why he didn’t just ask them verbally? If he’s Mr. Speech it seems like sitting down and talking would be better and more personal than email.
Post # 100
berrybelle: Thank you for that lovely message, as you can see in my message I was typing while you were typing, I fully agree with you on the advice offered here.
The actionable advice, including yours, has been SUPER HELPFUL already. I hope his parents will see that there has been a misunderstanding. Once we are on the same page, then we can all find a way to move forward. Be it cancelling what we already have booked, and us doing something different, or us all finding a way to compromise with the current plan.
Thankfully we haven’t sent out the save the dates yet! Phew….
The wedding they have created is beautiful and fancy, and more than I would every have dared to dream I could have in my life. While it would be sad to put that back in a box, it is more important that we have a day we look back on with love, and happiness because it is what WE dreamed of in terms of having people we love there, and those people being able to speak about their love for us, and our love for each other if they want to.
However it turns out, I want to keep a good relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law, as I like her and respect her very much.
Post # 101
For our wedding, our main focus was ensuring our guests were happy, comfortable, well-fed, and provided with drinks. If our guests were not having a good time, we would have missed the mark. So yes, I do believe the reception should be all about your guests.
However, this is still YOUR wedding. You only get one. You should not have a wedding you don’t want. The tricky part is that someone else is paying for it and making requests, which seems reasonable to me. So you definitely have to make concessions for your Future Mother-In-Law. I don’t think that every person needs a plus one though. We did not want our wedding filled with strangers. So being selective about the plus ones is very acceptable. We privately asked our single friends if they would like to bring a plus one – none of them said yes…..
I’m 99.999% positive that if you and your Fiance have a calm, rational, heartfelt conversation with your Future Mother-In-Law about your wishes for your wedding, she will be reasonable. She ultimately wants you to have the wedding of your dreams, she just has other ideas as to what that might look like. You need to let her know what it looks like for you.
And if she is really being stubborn about not letting you have the wedding you want, I would strongly suggest thanking her for her generous offer, but you will be having a smaller wedding that you two will be paying for yourself.
Post # 102
Kikibear: He talked with them last night and this morning (before I posted this), he had already left his city to start the 5 hour drive back to me (yay) when I sent him the nuggets of wisdom you ladies had provided.
We want to clear the air and be able to move forward, rather than have it hanging over us. Also, he’s a writer 😉 And sometimes when you write you can be more precise with your words.
*Note to self: Don’t post here whrn you are at the height of your upset 😉
Post # 103
clarebeemarried: So having waded through this mess of a thread, here’s my perspective.
First it’s clear that you now understand that yes, your guests comfort is important and that your initial perspective was off target.
Plus 1s – This needs to be all or nothing. It is unkind for Mother-In-Law to extend a +1 to her family/friends but not to yours. Facts is facts. And no, I would not have fun at a wedding without a +1. I wouldn’t dance and I get bored just sitting at a table after awhile. It’s better with family but as others have pointed out, not everyone actually enjoys being around their family. I think Mother-In-Law needs to decide if she’s going to allow them and if so, allow it for ALL, not just some. If she can’t afford it, then it’s time to cut the guest list.
Speeches – it’s important to your husband. I don’t think she gets a say here, except maybe to limit how long they run. This has nothing to do with what she’s paying for – speeches are free. Additionally, you an just give a speech (toast) during the meal if you like, which means people can eat while listening and not waste precious dancing minutes. I will admit that I don’t care for speeches at weddings at all – I find them narcissistic. But he’s a professional storyteller? I bet that’s pretty interesting. Plus it’s something he finds very important, not just some weird weddingy obligation. Just fit it into the schedule and move on, no more discussion.
Keeping it small – I absolutely understand wanting people you know at the wedding, not a bunch of strangers. That’s how we worked ours. But we did pay and we did invite +1s for all our guests, so there would feasibly have been a few strangers there. In the end, just one person that neither one of us had met before attended and that was fine. It was also a 30-some person event, not a big one. It’s not a all-Jewish thing to have masses of strangers at the wedding. My mom’s family is Jewish and all of us who are married had the event we wanted, not the event they wanted. And all our weddings were smallish and casual. At the same time, the anti-semitic comment was so far out of line I don’t even know where that bee picked up the idea from. Ignore it, it was just one person who clearly has a chip on her shoulder. You said nothing inappropriate. Don’t let it color the advice you’re getting from everyone else.
ultimately everyone is right: if you want the wedding exactly as you want it, then decline the gift (she can be as offended as she likes, the strings may be too many if she won’t compromise) and have the wedding you can afford.
Post # 104
Thank you to everyone who took the time to help and advise me. My fiance and I took your best advice and have some strategies to help get a clearer picture and figure out the misunderstanding around what a gift is, and what hosting is. Much appreciated.
It seems best to close this thread now that my question has been answered and your advice actioned.