Post # 1
Fiance and I are having a VERY small destination wedding in New Orleans (think 20 people). We did this for a number of reasons, one of which was to cut out the randoms and people not all that close to us. Well, everything seemed to be moving along smoothly. We had one hiccup when my grandmother decided to drive down to NOLA with a friend (who is not invited) and now we have to pay for this friend’s dinner at our reception. Since she’s coming with my grandmother to a city where she doesn’t know anyone, and I think it’d be rude to make her fend for herself so we’ll cave to that one.
My mom has a couple of co-workers that I’ve known for about 5 years now. They’re nice ladies, and we’ve gone out for dinner and drinks as groups together every now and then. But I in no way consider them particularly close or even good friends for that matter. One of the women told my mother that she wanted to get us a wedding present. While I thought this was a nice sentiment, I told my mom to let her know to not worry because we’re not even having a registry (and the fact that she’s not invited to the wedding, but I digress).
Fast forward to last week. My mom texts me and says that this woman and our mutual acquaintance were talking to her the other day. They informed her that they decided to take a vacation together down to New Orleans on the same exact weekend as my wedding. Coincidence much?? I was flabbergasted. My mom said that was their way of itching out an invitation. I said no, we have our guest list. Invites are already made up and sent out as of yesterday. My mom said it would be rude not to invite them and that she would just pay for their difference. What’s rude is that they practically invited themselves! I mean, who does that? You have a feeling you may not be invited to a wedding so you plan a vacation on the day, time, and place of said wedding?
My jaw is still slack. It astounds me. But alas, they will probably end up coming. They won’t get an invite as they’ve all gone out, but they better bring that present at least…(kidding…kind of)
Post # 3
@JoanHarris: I would have your mother tell them NO. Your guest list is decided and it is not fair for them to come when you have family that is not coming. If they are planning a ‘vacation’ let them have their vacation.
Post # 4
AGH! I hate when this happens. Here’s what you need to do:
1) Tell your mother a firm “NO they are not invited.”
2) Send out your invitations and do NOT send one to her coworker friends. Going to a wedding without an invitation is called CRASHING.
Post # 5
Who does that? You ask: well, a LOT of people do that.
I have had it happen in about a dozen instances in the last month, and I am at the point now, that the antics are so impressive (people offering to drive my elderly relatives to my wedding location as well and ‘sit alone and hungry in the hotel’), that I am just giving in. It sucks, but I know they would just complain to my relatives, and I don’t want my relatives to deal with any extreme stress as they are old.
I would say just seat them as far away from you as possible, and try to be nice but focus on those that you wanted there.
Post # 6
You decided on your guest list. You invited the people you wanted to have in attendance when you marry. For anyone else to elbow their way in is a show of bad manners. Your mother should not be encouraging that behavior from her coworkers, even if you are on friendly terms with them.
If these ladies have not asked you about an invitation you can pretend that you have *no idea* they would be so presumptuous as to show up at a small and intimate ceremony to which they were not invited. In fact, that is the polite thing to do.
Your mother seems to be the one “in the know” about their somewhat questionable vacation plans. If her coworkers mention to her that they would “love to see JoanHarris get married,” your mom may gently explain to them that the wedding is an extremely small, family affair; and that she’ll be sure to pass along their well wishes.
At this point it seems as though no additional details of the wedding should be shared with the uninvited – it will be difficult to crash a wedding in a city as large as New Orleans if they aren’t sure of the exact venue or time.
Perhaps these ladies really are just planning a vacation that happens to coincide with your wedding. They – like many people – may think that New Orleans is a beautiful city. They might have been surprised by the great room and airfare rates that your mom mentioned she was able to secure the weekend of your wedding. Perhaps they even think that your mother will want a bit of company after your wedding is over; and they think it is a nice gesture to be in the city to support your mom after “her little girl’ gets married. Who knows…. but until you actually hear that they’ve requested a place at dinner, try to assume that they know better. You’ll lose less sleep, and you won’t have to fake a smile when you see them.
Post # 7
a LOT of people do….
My Future Sister-In-Law wants to invite her Mother-In-Law to our wedding so “she can watch the kids”….keep in mind this woman would be flying from over seas to do so….and why can’t she “watch the kids” at her house?
argh….I feel your pain…
Just stick to your guns….
Post # 8
Well, welcome to wedding planning, haha. I would also put my foot down. You said the whole reason you chose a Destination Wedding was to “cut out the randoms”!
Post # 9
People are crazy and I’m sorry this is happening to you! To look on the bright side, it is flattering to know people care about you that much to make the trip out for your wedding. In my case, my Future Father-In-Law has over 20 first cousins, most of which are married and have their own adult children. For the sake of numbers (our guest list pushed 200 and we are having 165 coming) we decided to only invite his cousins that he’s actually close with. If we invited them all it would have added atleast another 20 people to the list. Anywho, one of the cousins asked if she could bring her sister as a guest (we didn’t and guest anyone). Sister was one of the cousins cut because she’s not close with any of the family at all. But she was a relative after all so we allowed it. I can understand how you feel and its very difficult to say no to these people, especially in this case since it was someone in the family.
Well last week, with about 12 days to the wedding, the cousin that was invited called to say her sister couldn’t make it. uhm really? Not only did she finaggle an invite for her, then they cancel on us last minute. Thank God I hadn’t put in my headcount yet, or I would have been really really pissed. It’s amazing who comes out of the woodwork. And while I am flatterred, it is more effort than its worth. Stand your ground if you can.
Post # 10
Thanks, all 🙂 I’m a difficult spot because my parents are helping monetarily with a large part of the wedding. As I’ve understood it, this entitles them to have more sway with the guest list, unfortunate as that can be. I guess if my mom is offering to pay for them (it’s about $100 per person for our reception) I’ll just give in. I feel like I can’t say much, again, because of the money situation. She’s closer to these girls anyways and probably views this as another chance for them to hang out and gal-around together *sigh*
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Just say no. New Orleans is a lovely city, and these fine ladies will have no trouble finding things to do that weekend, other than attending your wedding.
These ladies are NOT to attend your wedding. And if they do crash it, it’ll be pretty awkward when there’s not a meal or a chair for them, now won’t it? Tell your Mom no.
Post # 12
candykiss — I’m afraid of that happening as well. I’ve already heard that a couple of people may RSVP that they’re going “Just to be nice” with no intentions of actually going. No no no! That’s not how it works! If you don’t plan on coming then please just let me know so I don’t pay for an empty plate! Oy…
Post # 13
This is happening to my brother right now. Him and his Fiance agreed to only have 15 guests each – max 30 people. Now my dad has decided to invite his brother and his girlfriend (my brother has only seen said Uncle about 6 times in his life and barely knows him). Then my dad also decided to attempt to invite his girlfriends 3 daughters – that is when my brother put his foot down – and said absolutely not. He had a sit down with him – a big sit down. As my dad is newly engaged, my brother made it very clear that if my dad continues to try to invite people to my brothers private wedding that he himself will not be allowed into the venue. I think that will stop him. This is why I may just elope.
Post # 14
@JoanHarris: Money is a gift, not a negotiating tool. As it stands, those two women are rude as hell. Before they are allowed to come, your mother needs to hand you the money first for their meals and their peice of the cake, favors, napkins everything.
If you allow this, tell your mother NO MORE. If she is willing to pay for this, she may try to add more people.