(Closed) Guest's partner can't attend – RSVP'd with a different +1

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
2314 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

Let it slide. I had the same thing happen to me and I didn’t say anything. Just glad my friend was able to make it.

Post # 17
Member
4037 posts
Honey bee

It’s fine.

We said no to 2 substitutions, for my daughter’s wedding. One of her MIL’s friends asked if she could bring her 9 year old granddaughter, if her husband ended up having to work. Mother-In-Law somehow forgot that kids weren’t invited. We let her correct her error/deal with the mess she created. And then my niece wanted to bring her toddler son – thought it was okay to take his father’s seat. Of course, she didn’t invite kids to her wedding, a few years earlier. Also, his nickname was the “little monster.” That idea was squashed pretty quickly, too. Sure, we’d be happy to pay the full, adult rate ($150+) for kids. NOT!

Post # 18
Hostess
8575 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would let it go.

Post # 19
Member
6269 posts
Bee Keeper

Yup that’s poor etiquette on his part but I’m in the ‘let it go’ camp. 

Post # 20
Member
460 posts
Helper bee

I understand. Our numbers were really tight and there were a few people we weren’t able to invite who we desperately wanted there and who we were hoping to invite should we get any declines. If one of our guests had swapped their partner with a different plus1 it wouldn’t have been ideal.

I think because he certainly hasn’t done this maliciously and clearly doesn’t know wedding etiquette (I wouldn’t have known not to do this before I’d experienced the logistical nightmare of planning my own wedding guest list!) then I wouldn’t be irritated and wouldn’t give an outright no, but I would just talk to the guy about it. Maybe say to him something along the lines of “thank you for RSVPing yes, we’re so excited you’re coming! About bringing J, I’m really sorry if this causes you any problems but I’m not sure we’ll be able to invite her. Due to numbers we had a lot of guests who we weren’t able to give plus1s to and had a strict rule of plus1s only being long term partners or people we’re both close to. We’re worried about upsetting other guests if they see we’ve made an exception with allowing J as your plus1 but not an exception for them. We were hoping that since you know a lot of people at the wedding you wouldn’t mind coming solo? But let me know your thoughts and we can give it some thought too!” and then leave the door open for him to say either ‘so sorry didn’t realise, I’m sure J will understnad that’s fine’ or ‘I’m uncomfortable without a plus1’ or ‘I’ve already asked J and embarrassed taking back the invite’ and depending on what his answer is I’d go from there. It also buys you some time to see what his reaction is and act accordingly e.g. if he’s rude say ‘sorry we’ve had a lot of different plus1 requests the last few days and have had to apply a blanket plus1 rule’; if he’s sad/apologetic/embarrassed you may want to consider allowing J and makig everything easier in the poor guy!

Good luck! 🙂

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