Post # 1
Just wondering if anyone could help me figure out a loving, kind way to respond to some family members. We have two situations where two female cousins want to bring dates. Neither girl lives on her own, nor are they married, engaged, or in serious relationships; in fact, they’re both quite single. We planned on inviting them along with their parents and siblings. One is a family of 3 and one is a family of 4. As most of you know, guest lists are quite difficult to deal with and we’re trying very hard to include our loved ones, and unfortunately, we’ve had to exclude some friends due to the ever-growing list and the ever-shrinking budget.
Ok, so here’s the details:
About a month ago, one of my female cousins posted as her facebook status that she was attending a wedding in July (mine) and wanted to know if anyone wanted to be her date. I decided to let this go since 1. she didn’t bring this up to me directly and 2. the invitations haven’t gone out yet and my mom and I decided we’d just address the issue if there’s an extra guest squeezed in on the rsvp card.
Then my other cousin writes on my facebook wall asking about the invitations. She was wondering if we were just sending out save-the-dates or if she should be expecting an invitation too. I responded and said we’d be sending the invites out in a couple of weeks. Her response was that she was just making sure because she was planning on bringing a date and wanted to rsvp.
I think what’s baffling is that no one asked if they could bring their dates…it’s just sort of a given. I get along with these girls, but we’re not super close, so I’m not sure how to even address this or to correct cousin #2 who basically told me she was bringing someone.
Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? How do you kindly tell someone they can’t bring a date?
Post # 3
Just explain to them them you are only allowing plus ones for people in long-term relationships, that are living together, etc. Just tell her that you cannot make any exceptions due to budget and space.
Post # 4
You need to be FIRM with both of them that there simply is no room in the budget for them to be invited with a date. Don’t budge. Even if you say it as nicely as possible, they will still probably be obnoxious about it considering they are the type of people who assume they get a date even though they aren’t even dating anyone (and btw, who basically begs for a wedding date on FB? Sad.). So, yeah, just don’t be a pushover and you’ll be fine.
Post # 5
Hmm…I don’t know if I would bring it up to them, or just mail out the invitations and clearly designate how many people are invited. For instance, your cousin in a family of 4 would have the invitation that says __4__ seats have been reserved for you. I If they call you after they get the invitation, I would gently explain that you wish you could extend everyone the opportunity to have a date but it unfortunately is not possible. Or I guess you could always bring it up to her now, and say something like, “Hey I noticed you wrote on my FBook wall and you mentioned bringing a date. Unfortunately, we aren’t able to invite all of our guests with a date. But there will be a ton of people there that you know” (and if there will be any cute single guys there, I would throw that in as well!).
Post # 6
Ugh, I feel you. I just had a friend send me a text asking where the wedding was because her date was curious. She isn’t dating anyone and hasn’t since I have known her and was planning on bringing a gay guy friend I have never met. So it’s not even like there is any possibility they are going to date in the future haha.
Post # 7
Thanks for the input. I just might have to suck it up and let them know: no dates.
@hilsy: unfortunately, we didn’t go with the ____of ____ attending on the RSVPS. There’s just a nice long M _________________________ for all sorts of horrors to occur. The only thing we have to specify who’s invited is the inner envelope which will list all the people in that household that’s attending.
I think what angers me is that it was all done on facebook. First, cousin #1 just advertises my wedding like it’s a big group going to a movie or something and cousin #2 posts on my wall for all my uninvited friends to see. I don’t care what anyone says; FB and weddings just don’t mix very well.
Thanks again for your advice!
Post # 8
This post makes me glad I did the ____of______ and I filled in the M_______ line for them. I just couldn’t risk any extras. I say just wait til you get the RSVPs back and if there’s say 6 instead of the 4 that were invited then give them a call.
Post # 9
When you send your invites write in “XX seats have been reserved for A, B, C, D”
If they add numbers and names have your mom call and politely say that due to venue constraints, there is limited space and you cannot accommodate extra guests.
Post # 10
I’d write your cousins a nice private message about how you’re so excited that they’re excited for your wedding but just want to make it clear that they aren’t able to bring dates because of space and money constraints. I definitely wouldn’t let it just go and I wouldn’t count on them adding their dates names to the RSVP just because it sounds like they’re the type of girls who might suddenly invite someone last minute (like, 2 weeks before the wedding and way after the RSVP has gone through).
Post # 11
I would tell them gently that for now you aren’t sure if they can bring someone but will let them know. Or respond:
“I didn’t hear you were in a relationship, who’s the lucky guy?” Then when they say “Er.. um.. I”m not, but I was gonna bring Tad from the burger joint I slept with last weekend” Say “Oh goodness, I am so sorry but we have a very strict budget and unfortunatley aren’t extending plus-one’s to people who aren’t engaged or living together. We’re doing the same for his family too so I can’t make any acceptions. That said, I will try to give you a plus one if we have a lot of declines, I want you to feel comfortable!”
Post # 12
I’ve realized that people who have not been involved, in someway, with the planning of a wedding, have no clue that they’re driving us mad. They haven’t thought about our budgets, or the inconvenience of it all. So, for the most part, there’s no harm intended, its just cluelessness. That being said, you have to be direct. We’ve had to do it too. A friend of my FI’s said he didn’t want to bring his girlfriend so he’d be bringing his male friend- WRONG. We told him that he’s welcome to bring his girlfriend but that’s his only option. We had a cousin tell us he’s bringing his new girlfriend and I had to tell him we just don’t have the money. He was understanding, or at least pretended to be. Another cousin asked if she could bring her new boyfriend… this issue is everywhere! But we had to shut her down too. Its awkward and we wish we could accommodate everyone but its just not possible!
Post # 13
Just a quick message or call to them straight to the point – it’s pretty cut and dry..
Post # 14
I think you should be direct and to the point with them. Don’t wait on the RSVP coming back, what names and what number is on it, etc. Since they were so rude and posted this on Facebook, just post back to them on Facebook that you can’t allow “dates”. If you don’t want to do that just phone them and explain the situation. Just get it over with now, it’s unavoidable. Once it’s done you can quit worrying about it. Until you do, you’ll be upset and worried over it.
Post # 15
Ugh, who does an open cattle call for a date to a wedding on facebook?
It’s awkward, but you have to be blunt with them. And be very clear on their invitiations- we allowed people who are in relationships to bring a date but we specifically put on the address label the name of their BF/GF. If they break up, it’s going to be a “sorry, but no, that does not mean that you get to bring the random guy you met at the bar last night.”
I would maybe even fill in the M______ line with just their name for those that you’re worried will try to invite extra guests.