Post # 1
i have a dilemma,
i emigrated to canada from ireland 3 months ago and myself and girlfriend are finding it really hard to get jobs.our money is slowly sapping away,we are sleeping on a blow up bed in a bare apartment as we cant afford too much.
the dilemma is that my brother had asked me to be best man at his wedding on 28th dec back in ireland. after a long time trying to decide what to do i wrote to him saying i cant go as i cant afford it. and even if i found work now i would probably lose my job if i went back,as i work in the bar industry and its their busiest time. now all my family wont accept it and are guilt tripping me and saying if i lose my job it doesnt matter as i have to be at the wedding and i can just find another one in the new year. they think i should get a loan, which would mean that after the wedding i would be in serious debt, (in the ball park of 7000 dollars with flights and accommodation etc) rent due and also being jobless in the middle of a canadian winter,walking the streets bar to bar looking for work. im trying to make a life for us over here and this will financially cripple me.should i feel guilty about missing the wedding?
Post # 3
@greggo: You are in a really tough spot, but if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it.
Is there anyway your family could help pitch in to get you there (as a wedding present to your brother).
You could also offer to give a toast over skype (I saw a post on here about someone doing that).
I don’t think you should go $7,000 into debt and risk losing your job (if you have one) for one day. Maybe see if you can talk to your brother on the phone or on skype and explain to him how you really want to be there but there is no way you can afford it.
Post # 4
I think there is ap oint you need to say no because you can’t afford something but I do not think it will cost you 7k to make it to your brother’s wedding. Of course I don’t know where exactly you are but I would imagine you could get an economy ticket for around $1000, maybe less since Dec. is not peak season. Then I’m not sure where your other costs are coming from. I assume your family would pick you up from the airport and provide you a place to stay and meals while there. As PP suggested, maybe you could talk to your family and see if some one could help you with part of the flight and if you want to be there for your brother you can prob. figure out a way to make it work. Travel alone, stay with family, don’t do any extras, stay for only the time you need to be there, don’t make it into a vacation.
On the job side, you say you are a bar tender but what about looking for work through a temp agency or even holiday retail. I know you may not have other experience which would make it hard but a holiday job even in a restaurant could be a door way to a future long term job and asking for one weekend should not get you fired if you approach it appropriately with your boss.
Ultimately, I know I would want to do everything I can to make it to my brother’s wedding, especially if he asked me to be best man but there is a point you have to say no if it means choosing the wedding over rent.
Post # 5
That is outrageous and unreasonable. You can not risk your new job in this economy over a wedding. And for them to suggest a loan is just stupid frankly. Especially, in the hospitality industry, time off during the holidays are generally first given to employees with seniority. Its too much of risk. Just tell them you can’t. If he is desperate for you to attend then he should re-arrange his schedule to accomodate a time that you can come. Or why don’t they make it destination wedding and spend $7K to come here? Maybe that will make them see how ridiculous their suggestion is.
Post # 6
@slicey19: I agree – there is no way that it would cost $7000 to go to a family wedding. Coach class flights aren’t that expensive and I’m sure there is family that would let you stay in their homes for free (especially considering how badly they want you there).
Very few employers would fire you over asking for a few days off for an immediate family member’s wedding, especially when given ample notice. Plus, you don’t even have a job yet so you are worrying about losing a job you might not even have?!?
OP – Honestly, while I can tell you are in hard times right now, it sounds to me like you are simply making excuses to not go to this wedding.
Post # 7
I don’t agree with the other posters. I wouldn’t go. You don’t have the money and can’t pay your bills. If they want you there so badly, they can foot the bill… Geez! I don’t think you are making excuses – you really don’t have the money. Why take out a loan to attend a wedding?? A loan you couldn’t pay back anyway. So ridiculous. Send a card and your regards – tell them you will take them out when you are back on your feet.
Post # 8
+1 on the Skip It, although talk it over with your bro so he understands.
A wedding is one day. My baby brother (well, not “baby” but you know what I mean) might be missing my day because his graduate studies will take him out of the country this spring/summer. I told him that his education (and spot in the program) is the priority, not a party. We’re going to try to skype him in if he can’t make it.
Post # 9
If you truly cannot afford it don’t go!
As far as some of the posters saying “it can’t really be 7K” Um yeah it can, you have to consider he will be traveling from Canada to Irelenad and traveling around late December (Christmas. New Years). I am sure the cost can get pretty high. Boston-Ireland around this till will run you around 2-3K and that’s COACH.
I would just be honest with my family, explain your situation. Make sure you let your brother now you really don’t have a choice.
Don’t let your family make you feel guilty because the reality is that if you end up homeless or living in some roach motel, I am sure they aren’t going to offer to pay your rent and pay your utility bills.
Post # 10
sorry sorry sorry i should have mentioned that it would be 7000 between myself and my partner.weve crunched the numbers and thats what we are coming up with as the wedding is not in an area that we are from. its in the brides hometown so it would be hotels all the way for us. thanks for the feedback from all.and on a side note, the reason i am saying that i would lose my job if i got one is because everyone ive mentioned the situation to that works in the industry believes thats what would happen. and if futurekmm thinks im making excuses then maybe he has some suggestions for me. thanks again
Post # 11
@greggo: Could you go without your partner to save money? And see if you could share a room with your brother the night before the wedding and some of the other groomsmen the night after?