Guilt of a working mom

posted 3 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
4202 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m a working mom too. My son is 15 months old. 

He is my entire world, and I cherish all the time I spend with him.

But I like working. I love what I do, and the people I work with. I am proud of my accomplishments at work, and in my career. 

I don’t “have” to work. We could survive on what my husband makes. But I choose to because my career is important to me.

And anyone who thinks that makes me less of a mom can fuck right off.

A happy mom is a great mom. You have to feel fulfilled. For some people that means staying home, and for some people it means working. You make the right choice for YOU, because you are th eone who has to live with it.

My son adores daycare. He has friends, and gets to socialize every day with kids his own age. His teachers are so wonderful with him, and I have seen leaps and bounds in his development since he started. They are an important part of his development, but make no mistake, we are the ones raising him. They are just a really important part of our “village”.

Post # 3
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I am so sorry you are going through this! You are an amazing mom! I stay at home with my boy, so please know that not all SAHM’s are total assholes. I’m of the belief that a mom should do whatever makes them happy and works for their family. 

I feel like moms are damned if they do, damned if they don’t. I have gotten SO many snide remarks about staying home, and I also hear a lot of judgment thrown towards moms who work. It’s hard! 

Post # 4
Member
1905 posts
Buzzing bee

Big hugs!! I’m not a mother yet, but just wanted to say that SO and I also grew up with working mamas (sometimes several jobs), and I don’t feel that it was detrimental to either of us. I always felt loved from my mama and she was there for dance recitals and whatever else at school, and my SO has an amazing work ethic and incredible respect for his mom, as well. While I don’t like the idea of being away from my future child for up to 10 hrs/day, and daycare costs really hurt, I’ve never thought I’d like the idea of being a Stay-At-Home Mom. Could I do it? Sure, but if given the option, I wouldn’t want to do it forever. I’d love if the US gave more maternity leave, but once you get into a schedule and the baby becomes more interactive with others and less dependent on mom for food, I think that daycare also has its advantages. I’m more of an independent person and I don’t like the idea of having a clingy baby, so I look forward to socializing my child so that he/she feels comfortable meeting new people and making new friends. Sometimes mamas need a break and I’ve seen many a SAHMs with clingy babies and mamas look miserable. So I think you really just have to do what works for your family and for yourself. 

Post # 5
Member
9806 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Those women sound like bitches TBH. Not sure I’d want to be friends with them even if I was a Stay-At-Home Mom.  Do what works best for you, don’t feel guilty.  I think there are some studies that show girls with working mothers actually do better in school and get paid more in their careers.  And also studies show no detrimental effects to children of working parents.

Post # 6
Member
5572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

No no no no no no and more no.

We carry enough guilt just being parents, it comes with the territory.

You don’t have to justify yourself to a single one of them.

I didn’t have a choice, we needed both of our incomes. A month before I went back to work, I gave myself a pep talk every day. “I’m doing what’s right for our family, it’s best that we have two incomes, I trust the daycare we chose etc”. Literally every day until I went back I pep talked. And I still cried. I cried a bit, but I also felt ready. I also didn’t feel like I was meant to stay home, I like working.

My daughter has THRIVED at daycare. She has learned so much and she plays with other kids. And she runs to me every day when I pick her up. I’m still her favorite person on the planet.

You don’t owe those women anything.

 

One of my fears was that my daughter would forget that I was her mother because she was in daycare. That was irrational and only lasted a few days when I realised that she still knew who I was.

If someone asked me why I was having someone else raise my child, I might actually have to get up and leave. My blood is boiling thinking of it.

Post # 7
Member
9452 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am a working mom and have never run into this.  My mom is our nanny.  My son is 15 months and we are expecting #2.  When he is 2, I plan to put him in a 2-3 day program.

I have my own guilt that my mom sees my son more than I do.  In an ideal world I would love to work part time but that is not feasible as I make more money than DH.  But at the same time I enjoy my time away and I enjoy working.

What are SAHMs going to do when their children are in school? I don’t mean this in a mean way.  My mom was a stay at home mom until my parents divorced when i was 16 and she had to go back to work.  Prior to that she volunteered in our schools.  But her life was her children.  I wished my mom had made an effort to not be so entwined in our lives.  As a teenage and now an adult, I need my space.  I don’t always want my mom tagging along to everything because she can’t make her own friends.

Post # 8
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Fellow working mom here. Naturally, the thing to do while on a pumping break is to browse Weddingbee!

I think the SAHMs in the group might have just been being defensive, because a lot of the times they feel like they have to defend their choice to stay at home.  Because they have encountered judgment that they’re “not working” and “not contributing”, often enough that now they might be getting pre-emptively defensive.  Thus leading to the judgment that you perceived.

Similar to you perceiving judgment for formula feeding.  Definitely not to say your LC wasn’t giving you a hard time but rather, OK this is what I mean: When my little guy was first born and I was also having a hard time BFing (yay for c-section recovery delaying milk production b/c your body is focused on healing) and had to supplement with formula, I found myself sneaking glances at other women who are bottle-feeding their babies.  I’m sure some saw me look and I feel bad because I have a feeling they probably thought I was judging them.  But I was not giving them judgmental looks; I was giving them commiseration looks and “assuring myself that see it’s OK” looks.

So I would give those ladies in the group the benefit of the doubt. 

Post # 9
Member
9578 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
SnowInApril :  you dont need to explain yourself to anyone! Those women were bitchy to give you that lecture. Honestly, its just their insecurities. Anytime we see someone making a different life choice than ourselves we find a way to justify how our way is the right way subconciously. So they see you and ask themselves am I too dependant? What if someone happened to my husband or marriage? What if I had to support us.. could I? Should I be contributing financially? How can she “do it all” ? So then instead of coming to terms with those questions they reaffirm themselves by putting you down. “I choose family over work”  “Im a more present mom” “I raise my own kids” bla blalba. Dont worry about these women.

Being a teacher is an absolutely fabulous mom job. great insurance and hours, summers off! I know its hard now while babe is little but when hes in school too youll really have it made. Think long term. Dont mess with a career you enjoy. Keep at it and you will enjoy the best of both worlds. And when they are keeping busy gossiping while their kids are in school and their cleaning crew does the house work… youll be keeping your mind sharp and money flowing into the bank 🙂 Sure you could SURVIVE off one salary, but why not let your husband retire earlier by having two incomes? Or enjoy more money/options for vacations, housing etc. 

My mom was a teacher her whole career and it was wonderful for us. And now shes retired and enjoying a pension!

Post # 10
Member
9773 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Screw those bitches.

I’ll be 100% honest—I would not want to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. Do I feel a bit guilty about it? Sure. I would have loved to stay home for the first 6 months or so, but full time for years? I think I would go crazy! I love my dd more than anything, but holy hell I need adult time and something to challenge myself with other than reading the same 10 page book for the 100th time lol.

My 2 year old dd absolutely loves going to “school” and half the time I can barely even get a quick hug before she runs off to play. Plus she learns SO much there! Way more than I ever could teach her/expose her to just going to library time and playgroups or whatever.

Your child will still thrive if you’re not a Stay-At-Home Mom. Plus you’ll have that extra money to put towards retirement, sports, vacations, etc.

Post # 11
Member
2160 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom and I have mom friends who also stay at home and mom friends who work. Aside from that, some of us breastfed and some didn’t, some of us loved babywearing and some didn’t, some of us co-sleep and some have kiddies in their own beds…etc. All of my friends have their own parenting style and they’re all great non -judgemental people who are great moms. That’s why they’re my friends. SAHMs get judged too. It just means you need to ditch people who judge and find new friends :-). You’re a great mom, don’t change! 

Post # 12
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Working mums should feel no more guilty than working dads. Don’t buy into the sexism that dictates women sure have different parenting roles than men, enjoy your child and what fulfills you both as people as well.

Post # 13
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Where is this mythical neighborhood full of SAHM’s? In my neighborhood I think there is just one other besides me. When I take Dear Daughter for our daily walk I only see nannies who can’t speak English. Most moms try to shade me for my decision to stay home with Dear Daughter. 

Don’t let other moms make you feel bad about doing what’s best for you and your family. They don’t have your professional credentials nor your life circumstances, so they can’t talk. If I had an advanced degree, earned more than the cost of childcare, etc., I may have chosen to work like you. Who knows? 

Being a mom is hard no matter what and I think people need to be less judgmental and more supportive. 

Post # 14
Member
2238 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
SnowInApril :  So sorry you were made to feel that way and the guilt you feel – it is awful. We had twins 4 months ago, I came back to work 1 month ago and feeling guilty all the time is my new normal- guilt that both girls can’t be held as much as if we had 1 baby, guilt that one is getting short end of a stick and less attention, guilt that one is more needy (it flips daily), guilt over working and not staying home, guilt over feeling tired after work and looking forward sometimes to babies going to bed, guilt at not being happy 100% of the time, guilt for not feeling the way “good” mom should and so on. It is exausting.

Now I can say that overall – working might make me better mom than being a Stay-At-Home Mom – no resentment, more energy to focus on babies/kids after work as opposed to being home with them all day, having a life outside of kids. Also, extra income will put them in better schools, leave money to do things as a family, for them to do extracur activities, etc. To me that is important. Having a balance is also important. You have to do what works for you – and feel confident about it. Don’t justify your choices to them – just say it is what works for our family and leave it at that.

And a great piece af advice my mom gave me (wise woman) – no matter what you do, and how hard you try, kids (when grow up) will always find something to blame parents for, will fault your parenting style and choices and will have plenty to rant about to their therapist. Ha. You do the best you can with circumstances given at the time.

Post # 15
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry for the judgement you have received!  We have quite a few working mommas at the airline I work for. Interesting how the questions flight attendants get “so do you work part time then?” “Who watches your kids while your working?” Do not get asked to the male pilots. 

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