(Closed) Guilty about invite

posted 3 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
1546 posts
Bumble bee

In this situation it really sounds like your dad cant be there but I understand why you feel bad about it. I’m sure given the history your dad probably already realises he wont be able to come? Are you hiring a videographer? You could arrange a day with your dad after the wedding where the three of you go out to celebrate and sit down to show him photos and the videos together. Of course it wont be like having him there but it can still be a special day for you. 

Post # 5
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I would pick your mother and stepfather, who you say raised you, over the father that would have made you a victim too, had you been old enough. And you’re not his only child, you have a sister who he destroyed a relationship with. Better to hurt the parent who hurt your family, than to force your sister and mother to endure further pain. 

Post # 6
7993 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Team mom+step dad IMO. 

Post # 7
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Honestly, in my opinion, the moment he did “really, really awful things” to your sister and mother, regardless of whether you remember them or not, he forfeited his chance to get to have a normal relationship with you. And that includes walking you down the aisle at your wedding. Actions have consequences- is it worth having your sister and mother have to confront their abuser on a day that’s supposed to be happy? If anyone should feel guilty, it should be him for what he’s done. This isn’t something that you’re taking away from him- this is something he already took away from himself as a direct result of his own actions. 

I agree with a prior bee’s suggestion of showing him the video later if you really want to have a moment to share with him. 

Post # 8
4807 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
yli11 :   You are not robbing your father of anything.  HE is the one who robbed YOU.   

You deserve a stress free wedding day.  

Post # 9
1058 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
yli11 :  the people who raised you should mean more to you than a man you see once or twice a year & who wronged your family members. 

Post # 10
7853 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your father made his choices and these are the consequences. He should absolutely understand why he won’t be invited and shouldn’t put any of it on you. If he does–one more strike against him. 

Post # 11
7308 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think this might be one of those difficult situations where shitty choices you made in the past circle back around and bite you in the ass later.  It’s hard and it sucks but if your father did something terrible to your mother and your sister in the past so much so that they are unwilling to be in the same room with him, you need to respect that. If you choose to have him there, they will not be and that is their right. If you want the people who have contributed most to your life to be there, he cannot be. And he needs to know that.

Also, you might feel like you have a pretty good relationship with him now but he sounds like he’s still a crap father. Why do you know his girlfriend hates you? Why hasn’t he nipped that shit in the bud in the past DECADE?

Post # 12
1565 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I can actually speak as someone whose dad did some awful stuff to my mom and the family before they divorced. I love my dad, am grateful we still have a relationship because he made an effort to be part of our lives after the s*** hit the fan, and I hold no grudges or bad feelings towards him for what he did. I recognize that he was in a crappy place in life, made terrible mistakes, paid for them in numerous ways (including jail time), and will always carry that guilt with him. He’s my dad and I always want him to have a place in my life.

That said… if it EVER came down to choosing to invite one parent over the other, my mom would win. Hands down. He’s the one who screwed up. He’s the one who stole and cheated and lied and hurt her/us. Ultimately he’s the one who has to pay for those decisions, even 20 years later. I would feel sad not having him at a big event in my life, but I know that he would also understand and would bow out without making me feel worse about it. I was fortunate that enough time passed and my mom was able to at least be in the same room with him for my wedding. They even briefly and awkwardly chatted. But if she hadn’t been OK with that I would have sat him down, explained the position I was put in, and made it clear that he couldn’t be there that day. Not that my dad would need reminding, but I would have no problem pulling out the tough talk: “You made mistakes that will stick with you for the rest of your life. You can’t expect that life will always be peachy and normal after what you did. This is one of the unfortunate consequences.” This may be a really tough conversation for you but it’s a necessary one if your mom and sister truly feel that they can’t stand to have him there. I hope he understands the position he put you in (yes, he’s the one who caused this!) and doesn’t make it any harder on you.

Post # 13
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

So he stays with a woman who actively hates his “only” child, ruined his relationships with your mother and sister, and he’s expecting to have a role in your wedding? Yikes. Sounds like exactly the kind of person who would ruin your wedding if he was there. 

Post # 14
691 posts
Busy bee

My FI’s father did some awful and I mean unspeakable things to his mother and him and his siblings. FSIL did the right thing by inviting him and he walked her down the aisle, even though she would have preferred my Fiance to walk her down the aisle. Her father was there, as well as, his sister and husband and they sat at a different table then Future Mother-In-Law, aunt and close cousins. Was it awkward at times? Yes, but more so for Fiance and I because we had to split our time between the both of his parents. However, it was a beautiful wedding and everyone had fun. 

If you still communicate with him, then he should be invited. Its your personal decision what role you want him to have in it, not others.

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