Gut feeling, circumstantial evidence and mistrust

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
398 posts
Helper bee

Im so sorry.  What a lying asshole. You sound like a steady level headed woman that deserves a good life.  U could throw a rock in any direction and hit a man worth more than this grub. 

Rant over.

Post # 3
5807 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

 Sorry to hear about this. I think it’s time you called Jane and try to get the truth from her since your husband isn’t going to be honest.

Post # 4
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Yes, please call jane.

Post # 5
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

You need to speak to Jane or, call the brother. Ask him to please tell you the truth because you have children and you need help. Hopefully one of them comes clean.

Post # 6
9066 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Why are you still arguing? And by that I mean why haven’t you shown him the door?

Yes you should consider your kids. Consider what is the best kind of household for them to be raised in, one where their parents argue because dad cheats and gives money away on the sly and mum is upset/living in paranoia whilst accepting the disrespectful behaviour of a cheater or a single parent household with no fighting and a sane and at peace mother who shows her kids they do not have to put up with being disrespected just because they married a cheating douche.

Could you ask his brother’s wife for the truth? A woman to woman conversation between non-family members might get you more truth than asking his family member to spill the beans on him. Especially since the family seem to be blaming Jane more rather than their family member, you know your husband the one that is actually married.

Post # 7
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

There are many more red flags than him ignoring her at a wedding. I’m afraid the Jane thing is a done deal. Just ask someone to tell you the truth and get it all out there and move on from this arsehole xx

Post # 8
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

If you got her phone number on your phone bill, invite her to the house for a chat between the three of you. You should never have believed him the first time or any time. I don’t know why family would text lies like that on the “hope” that you will get his phone and read it. Ridiculous lie.

Post # 10
275 posts
Helper bee

Your husband is screwing another woman. And paying her your family’s money to do so.

Why are even questioning what to do? You have kids? Woman up and protect your family. Get a lawyer. Kick him out.

Post # 11
1275 posts
Bumble bee

Circumstantial evidence my ass. Best case scenario he is not cheating but he is giving away money that could be used to support his family. But let’s be real here if this was a situation where he was just helping a friend he wouldn’t have hidden it then refused to address it when you found out. I would call Jane myself, get the story then lawyer up. What a scumbag.

Post # 12
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
WBuser1234 :  

Darling Bee, this what’s known as having a house fall on you. Yet, you’re still not accepting it. This could not be more obvious if your husband and Jane rented a billboard.

You have been making excuses and providing him with loopholes for coming up on three years now. Understandable, the reality is very painful. But, denying it is damaging you, Bee.

First, he was wiring money to an anonymous “family member” behind your back.  Now, it’s some unfortunate young thing with money problems. Again, behind your back.

”Oh no, she’s here, this might get ugly”; this was not coming out of nowhere, Bee.

The evidence is overwhelming.  Jane is not the first.  She’s likely not the only.

How much longer are you willing to put up with this? Guys like your husband don’t change, this is all about character. At what point might you become unwilling to continue supporting your husband’s girlfriends?

Don’t call Jane.  Assuming she would talk to you at all, what do you think you would hear? The truth? A full confession? An apology and promise to stop doing your husband? What’s that worth? Even if she meant it, he’ll find a new Jane, don’t worry. What do you need to hear from Jane? Please figure that out before you call her, if you’re really hell-bent on calling. Jane is not the issue here.

The odds of you getting truth out of Jane are long. And consider that your husband has had a running start. He has had time to get to Jane and any other key players to provide them with their scripts.

Rather than waste time and bring more heartache on yourself with Jane, your time will be better spent taking care of yourself. Become proactive. Your husband has proven convincingly that he is not to be trusted on any level, particularly with money. 

Step one is to meet with a qualified divorce lawyer. You may feel like that’s jumping the gun and it’s ok to feel that way. What’s not ok is leaving yourself completely vulnerable to your husband’s treachery. Get competent advice about your rights as to money, property, and assets. The laws vary from one state/country to another. Despite what many Bees want to believe, it’s not as simple as “split everything down the middle”. We would have no need for divorce lawyers if that were true. You probably haven’t been married long enough to qualify for alimony/spousal support. The court can order temporary maintenance payments, depending on your circumstances. And, if you are in the US, you no longer have to show “grounds”. Just doing a bit of prophylactic debunking here.

The real concern is that if your husband senses that divorce is even a possibility, there is a very high risk that he will clean you out. People lacking in decent character do things like that. Protect yourself, Bee.

Post # 13
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
WBuser1234 :  

Just to add, demanding a polygraph is truly around the bend, Bee. You don’t need any such thing. The truth is staring you in the face. Polygraphs are not reliable anyway. That’s why US courts won’t accept them as evidence. People who don’t experience much anxiety when they lie (your husband may well be one of them) sail right through showing no deception, no matter what preposterous whoppers they tell.

More evidence is not required here.

And, he’s gaslighting you.  Flipping the script and making you the “bad person” is Gaslighting 101.  It’s emotional abuse.

I would also strongly encourage you to talk to a professional. I think you could really benefit from extra support right now and help with reality testing. You may even have some PTSD. Most partners of cheaters do, though it’s rarely identified and treated properly.

Post # 14
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
WBuser1234 : op I feel for you.  It’s obviously so painful that you’ve been choosing to avoid facing this for years. *Now* is the time to take charge, quietly get an attorney, and protect yourself. There’s no point in contacting Jane. Don’t do it. Simply get this lying sack of shit out of your life. You’re worried about the kids you said but think of the example his behavior is setting for them (and yours as well,  putting up with it).  Kids always know what is going on…

Start the New Year right by taking care of yourself.Good luck,  keep us posted.  

Post # 15
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

That is more than circumstantial evidence. I love the part about how he feels sorry for Jane so he is giving her money .

It is almost as good as a friend of mine, she discovered many text messages between her husband and some woman. She confronted him and he said the woman is a lesbian and he is giving her romantic advice. What does he know about lesbians?

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