Gut feeling, circumstantial evidence and mistrust

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 151
Member
357 posts
Helper bee

Please get him out of the house. Your kids do not need this extra tension in their lives. Though it will be hard when he leaves, in the long run they will be happier when he is gone and it’s not directly in their faces. 

The kids know something is wrong. I work with kids and I can tell you right now that they know there is an issue and they are talking about it with friends, maybe their teacher. Kids hate to be left in the dark – they become more fearful and anxious about the problem. If you are honest with the kids and ask for their assistance in this, you will be surprised how loving and accomodating they can be. 

Please sit your kids down, and tell them that you and their father love them both very much, but you are both having some problems and need to space to try to work things out. Tell them their father is going to leave the house for awhile to give them that space, but that they will still see him and talk to him whenever they want to. Tell them that you know this is going to be really hard on everyone and you know it is very upsetting, but you hope that they will support you and work with you on this as a family so that things can get better. 

Whatever you do, don’t leave your children wondering what is going on with their own family. Communicate with them lovingly in an age-appropriate way. They need to hear what is going on from you and not from someone else in a way that you can’t control. 

Post # 152
Member
11118 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I would also move to get him out of the house ASAP. Unfortunately, if he doesn’t leave voluntarily it’s not always that quick or easy, so the sooner you get started on the legal end of this, the better. Not to mention, he may be getting strategic advice from his own lawyer not to leave. 

But don’t kid yourself that you are doing your children any favors by staying in the same home together. They pick up on the tension and can overhear everything. Who knows what their father or other family members are already telling them or what they have heard him say to others? 

In an ideal world you and your H would come together for your children and tell them you are separating, but that you will both always love and be there for them. I’d recommend consulting a child therapist with experience in this area for advice on navigating all this, especially if H is resistant. 

I would not involve or have anything to do with his family. 

Post # 153
Member
9693 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

weddingmaven :  

You are so right about it being better for the kids to have that guy out of there.

A 2015 poll in the UK showed that an astounding 82% of kids with parents were not happy together wished that their parents had divorced, or divorced sooner. They resoundingly rejected the old “stay for the sake of the children” myth.

 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/22/children-divorce-resolution-survey-rather-parents-separate

Post # 154
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

I would move to get him out of the house asap the sooner the better & if he tries to fight it well, tough shit.

I’d definitely tell the kids from the get go bc they can tell something is wrong. I also would NOT have anymore contact w/ his family they are toxic as all hell & love the drama avoid them at all costs.

Hugs bee! 

Post # 155
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

thoughts are with you as you continue to be deep in the toxicity of this! Block all of his family, you have no space for any of that negativity right now. I agree with others-it May be beneficial to start the process of getting him out at least started. Good for you on proactively getting your kids into counseling, no doubt this will be hard for them but this will definitely be better for them in the long run.

Post # 156
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I’m so sorry that this is happening her, you are handing it wonderfully

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