- 3 years ago
- Wedding: April 2017
Of course guys can hint. And he’s giving pretty obvious hints at that!
Of course guys can hint. And he’s giving pretty obvious hints at that!
Is this post for real? You looked at rental properties together and you’re wondering if your bf is hinting that he wants to live together? This is like saying “This guy I have a crush on asked me on a date. Is that a hint that he likes me?”
SMH…your post makes me wonder if you are ignoring the obvious here because for whatever reason you don’t actually want to live with your boyfriend.
louiseey : My Fiance hinted at wanting to move in with me several times before I acutally caught on. The whole time I somewhat thought he was just joking, and didn’t want to bring it up. Once we had an honest discussion about it, he admitted to me that he’d wanted to move in for awhile.
Just have a conversation about it with him. Do you want him to move in?
A lot of men are insecure so it would seem he’s trying to softly softly gage your reaction by these indirect prompts about getting a place together. I suppose he was hoping/thinking he would plant some ideas in your head and suddenly it would be Your idea to move in together.
Also he pretty much showed you in clear action he wants to live together by taking you apartment browsing, that’s like the opposite of a hint. A hint would be saying something minor about it and not acting one iota on it. He’s doing all the actions…
I assumed that by asking him if he was upset/disappointed by the key situation that that would open an dialogue up if it were something he wanted to discuss. When he said he wasn’t I figured he’d have no reason to lie so I suppose that’s why I didn’t take the other things he’s said/done seriously.
Also being the type of person I am (very vocal about what I want!) I have trouble understanding why he wouldn’t just say it. This is obviously something I need to work on and all part of learning how my boyfriend communicates.
louiseey : Oh no of course it isn’t! Sorry, I didn’t mean that at all– I mean that he’s playing games by hinting instead of doing what you want him to do, which, like you said, is be an adult and just talk to you, and if you let him continue doing that then you’re kind of falling into the trap of playing that game forever, though of course you rather wouldn’t. So try to put an end to it, instead of being a reluctant participant– break that cycle and tell him that if he wants something he needs to tell you straight up instead of hinting about it, because otherwise you’ll be teasing it out of him every time, like you said. Hopefully that makes more sense!
Also being the type of person I am (very vocal about what I want!) I have trouble understanding why he wouldn’t just say it.
If you’re vocal about what you want, and you want to know “why he won’t just say it,” then use your voice and ask him?
Am I going to have to coax it out of him every single time he has an issue for the remainder of our lives??!
Just what? Again you guys LOOKED AT RENTAL PROPERTIES. There is no coaxing needed. You could literaly have said, “boyfriend, I noticed we’re looking at rental properties. is that because you think we should live together?”
lol this is the weirdest thread I’ve encountered on here in awhile.
louiseey : It’s kind of harsh to spin his sensitivity and fear of rejection as “not being adult.” Are you always so judgemental??
My SO is very sensitive – he doesn’t want to come across as pushy and can therefore actually go to the opposite extreme. This can be a thing with overthinkers.
It hit me one day that every time the subject of SO’s old roommate came up between us, (mild complaints, he was SUPER messy) SO would make some comment about how, “Yeah, but he pays HALF my mortgage – it’s so nice!!”
It took me forEVER to realize that he was fishing to see if I would reciprocate in a way that indicated I wanted to move in with him. I had no idea, so I would just say, “yeah,” and sigh and change the subject.
My SO just has an extremely subtle communication style when it comes to subjects he thinks could potentially involve rejection or discomfort for either party. He’d rather save both parties that discomfort, so he puts out tiny little feelers.
Well, when I finally figured out what was going on, I waited for him to make that statement (for like the 17th time), and replied, “Yeah, but ANY roommate would pay that amount – that’s a very reasonable rent for this area of town!” Thereby letting him know that I was willing to pay him rent if I moved in.
I think his ex freeloaded off him – expected him to fully support her financially, so he was worried I’d do the same thing. It was a touchy subject for him, but he didn’t want to offend me by asking outright.
Soon after, he asked me to move in.
It’s really not fair of you to see this as a flaw in your SO, when he’s probably just trying to save you the discomfort of having to say no if he comes right out and asks you to move in together and you aren’t ready. Sure, there may be a little bit of insecurity mixed in, but who DOESN’T have insecurities?
Japan, in particular, exempifies this communication style. Asking or saying things outright, bluntly, is actually the height of rudeness/crassness in Japanese culture. Everything is half said, with nuance, so that no one is made uncomfortable and there’s no rejection ever. Americans are the exact opposite extreme – super blunt, with no thought given to the other person’s comfort level or the chance that things will become awkward. We are kind of desensitized to more subtle communication and automatically think of it as inferior to bluntness. It’s not. It’s just different, and more sensitive people are more likely to prefer it.
louiseey : Oh honey…. I get ya. I really do…. but he is sending you clear signals that he is interested in (at the very least) discussing the prospect of moving in together. I can imagine that this could be a sensitive topic, particularly if you’ve talked about your thoughts on it before. have you ever said anything (even very early on in the relationship), ” I wouldn’t live with someone before I was engaged to them” or ” I think living together is the natural progression in a relationship.” It sounds like he is trying to feel you out so to speak.
It’s not your job to second guess him or coax anything out of him….. but what about a genuine conversation, such as, ‘ I’ve noticed that you are sharing alot of apartment rental pics/info with me. Can I ask why?’
I’ve been with my dh for 14 years and though I love him…. he is a bit thick. I do need to bring things up with him. Sometimes he will give me these weird hints at something and I will say, ” I have a feeling that you are trying to tell me something or make a point, but I’m not sure what that is. Can you please give me some more information? ” when I get mad at him (LOL)… I will say, ‘ok, here’s another example of you expecting me to be psychic. Just spit it out already.” I genuinely think that sometimes he is not exactly sure what to put into words, or even how he is feeling about somehting until I ask for clarification. Once the conversation ensues, I think he is actually coming to terms with his feelings/wants/needs. he’s just not good in the sharing in the emotional realm. I try and make it easier for him. is it my job? NO. does it make our relationship easier? YUP.
Of course, this is my experience, not yours….. but your posts don’t come across like he is playing games. it really reminds me of my husband. Good luck bee. I hope you will update us after you discuss this with him. (HUG)
Also, I think it’s a myth that men are always more “direct” than women. When it comes to relationships, I think most men are terrified of rejection. A lot of men will not make themselves vulnerable unless they’re 99.999% sure their gf is going to respond positively. In the situation described by the OP, I think the dude is putting out feelers (really painfully obvious feelers) to gauge her interest in taking the relationship to the next level…and I think this is totally normal.
He seems scared of rejection but is way past subtle hints, I don’t know why you are blatantly ignoring them?
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