(Closed) Guys "Stole groom's phone" at bachelor party: insist on talking?

posted 8 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 424
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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@keranos:  Don’t you mean his THIRD and only…this will be his third marriage if it happens and honestly I can see why.

Everytime someone posts about something going wrong at a bachelor party people jump on them quickly saying that they should have been completely upfront in their expectations. OP WAS completely upfront in saying that she wanted a text each night (just as she promised and did for her FI) and her Fiance promised to follow through. Yet now these same people are telling this OP that she is overreacting and that what happened is HER fault?!?!

In other words if you’re lucky enough to have some guy that wants to marry you then you should just shut up, do what they want, don’t complain and not express any of your own feelings?!?!?

Wow….just WOW!!!

Post # 425
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

Ok I think you need to just ignore the people telling you to beg for forgiveness and you’re so wrong, blah blah blah. It’s obnoxious. You didn’t respond maturely, but we all can say the same for ourselves at one point or another. Plus you freaking apologized multiple times! It’s enough already!

The real issue is that you had an agreement about how you would contact each other, and he broke it, using his friends to do his dirty work no less. That would piss me off to no end (and just makes him look like he has no balls himself). Some people may be fine not speaking for 3 days, and that’s great for them. My SO and I talk all the time, and not because I’m forcing him to but because we WANT to because we love each other. You weren’t trying to call him up to casually shoot the shit multiple times a day. You sent one text asking where they ended up.

I think the fact that is he is so defensive and unwavering on this tells you that this is how he is going to react anytime he does something he knows is wrong. Like a PP said, he’s trying to condition you to take the blame for anything shitty he does. I know this advice is overused on the boards, but I would seriously reconsider this marriage. The third time just might not be the charm for him (and you).

Post # 426
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

 

I think you had a valid reason to be upset, but you didn’t handle the situation well and he has valid reason to be hurt too. 

 
He broke an agreement you had about phone contact on his bachelor party. Not cool. You have every right to be upset and should not have to be the bigger person and just suck it up. But the way to address it was to talk to him and let him know how you felt and why. Don’t text his friends “ok” when you are not really ok. Say that it is not ok with you and you’d like to talk with your Fiance.  I think it was a mistake to attempt to give him a taste of his own medicine by ignoring his calls/texts when he returned. You were punishing him instead of working with him to address the original problem. Punishing your spouse is not a healthy way to get him to understand your feelings – talking is. 
 
Now you are dealing with the aftermath of a blow up where you had some inappropriate emotional outbursts. So here is some advice on what you can do moving forward. First, have one disagreement at a time. You need to work through the issue of how you two fight and deal with conflict first. Put the phone issue to the side until this is resolved. Frankly I wouldn’t accept an apology of “I was wrong, but I can’t promise I won’t do it again” either. I get that you can’t promise you won’t have emotional reactions in the future. But you can do thing differently so you don’t get into that state in the first place (address issues early so that don’t fester, take a time out when you feel you are getting too emotional during a fight, etc).   You may not succeed all of the time but at least you’d be taking ownership by actively trying to prevent the outbursts in the first place. 
 
When you feel like you have resolved the issue of how you two fought, then move onto the phone issue. Forget about keeping score – I did this Wong, you did that wrong so now we are even and lets move on. Instead talk about what you feel you did wrong and what you will do differently from now on. Give him an opportunity to do the same and then you can decide if that is good enough for you or not. 
 
It sounds like you have a strong bond with your Fiance and this is a situation that just got out of hand. I believe you two can work this out and your relationship is worth fighting for. I hope you will both be able to learn and grow from the whole incident and ultimately start your marriage from an even stronger base. 
 

Post # 427
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

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@All In:  “We were both in the wrong. The question now is moving forward.” Yup, just need to see what he does tonight. That fact that you said “I just want to say again I’m sorry for everything that happened last night” and got silence in return isnt heartening. I hope that being at work the whole day and having distance would be good. Thats actually why I thought not being home when he got home would be good; BUT this is a good reminder that each person and each relationship is different. If I had been in your shoes and not been home when my Fiance returned he wouldn’t have gotten upset or worried. Im thinking he would have played with the dogs and surfed the internet. After a few hours he would have called me then gone to sleep.

In fact, I wasnt home last Thur night when he came home as we had had a pretty heated argument in the morning and I both didnt want to start the whole thing back up and felt him being home and in the place we argued would remind of the crap he said; he doesn’t think about our stuff when he’s at work. I went to the hospital to see my nephew straight after work rather than go home and wait for Fiance so that we could go together. Him coming home to an empty house was a non-issue. He eventually texted that he was an a$$ (he was SUCH a jerk, seriously), I told him I was at the hospital and I went home an hour later.

I guess its good that you are learning these things about each other…

Post # 429
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

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@Nautigirl:  Dude seriously? Where did she ever say she didn’t want him to have fun?! She packed his suitcase and helped the GMs organize getting him there. She wanted him to have a great time, but also to check in ONCE a day and say “I love you, having fun, can’t wait to see you,” just like they AGREED upon. Why does that = not wanting him to have fun?

Post # 431
Member
5427 posts
Bee Keeper

He and his friends expected you to pick them up? This is making me laugh… sort of…. I shake my head at the very least.

Post # 432
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

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@All In:  That’s not a good sign. SO and I have never once had a fight where he didn’t feel genuinely remorseful for upsetting me. Never! Unless of course it’s my fault completely and we both agree upon that. But seriously, your Fiance should be the one to console you if you’re upset, and especially if he caused it.

Post # 433
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@BlondeMissMolly:  And when the friend texted her and said they’d taken the phone and she wouldn’t be hearing from him, she responded “ok”. If I was a Groomsmen, I might take that to be she was cool with it. If they genuinely had his phone, and communicated that to her Fiance, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to assume she was ok with it.  So the poor guy pends all weekend with his buddies thinking everything’s cool, because that’s the LAST THING HE HEARD FROM HER only to come home and be blasted for it.  Seriously, how would you feel if you were in his shoes.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Post # 436
Member
11506 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

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@All In:  “I can’t actually recall a time he has ever consoled me or apologized for anything he has done. There’s always a logical explanation about why I “shouldn’t” be upset, and then I’m the bad guy for actually daring to GET upset.”

Oh boy. This does not sound good, Sweetie.  I don’t know if you’ve already mentioned this anywhere throughout these 11 pages (I’ve tried to keep up but I have not read every post), but what is your understanding of why his first two marriages ended? You obviously don’t have to answer, but I just wanted to ask.

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