(Closed) Guys "Stole groom's phone" at bachelor party: insist on talking?

posted 8 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 467
Member
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Ugh, I’ve been following this whole thread and honestly this turn of events makes me so angry. Getting mad at someone for getting mad at you is manipulative. I’m not going to say your Fiance is a terrible person or is irredeemable, but I am going to say– do not marry him right now. 

I think this is a pretty common thing with guys honestly. When I first started dating my husband he would often react similarly if I got mad about something he did (well okay, no cussing or threatening to end things— which are a whole other issue). But I recognized it right away and SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. Clearly. I told him that getting mad at me for getting mad was bullshit and if that is how he wanted to act he could get the f*ck out of my house right now kthxbye. It turned out that he honestly just did not know how to fight. And turning it around on the other person had always worked in the past to get his way, so why not? In our first 3 years together I think we actually spent more time fighting about HOW to fight rather than the underlying things. But what we built from that is a really stable framework where I’m allowed to get mad, and so is he. And neither of us fears that it will end the relationship if we express disappointment or anger. And there is no name-calling and no swearing and no throwing things and very little yelling. Fights are GOING to happen, so you might as well agree on a way to handle them early rather than feeling like you can’t ever bring up a problem for fear he is going to walk out. 

I think you honestly need couples counseling to work through both of your issues. I don’t think you handled this exceedingly well (for example, in your situation I would have immediately requested my husband call me and on that call said something along the lines of “Yea… that’s cute but we agreed to speak and you are a grown ass man so I’ll expect your calls as we agreed” rather than just stewing for 3 days). But I also think his reaction was ridiculous. You two need to learn how to express your needs to each other and how to express your disappointments to each other in a way that doesn’t result in swearing and threats. 

Post # 468
Member
2424 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

View original reply
@CorgiTales:  You make some really good points in this! I agree that it’s not an uncommon response, to get mad because the other person GOT mad. DH has done that too, and still does occasionally, but the way it’s expressed is more that when I get upset and overreact about something, he sometimes thinks that negates whatever he did to GET me mad. Where as if I told him more calmly why he upset me he would listen and acknowledge it. So I don’t think that act in itself means this relationship is doomed. It’s something that took years for us to learn , how to fight constructively if you think about it like that. And DH will apologize when he is wrong, which took a long time to get to that place, but he will.

BUT I also agree with

View original reply
@CorgiTales: that how he handles it (threatening to break it off, refusing to compromise by apologizing, is the huge red flag here. He has to know that he can’t manipulate your feelings like this. He dragged you over emotional coals this weekend, he doesn’t get to make it seem like you can’t react and threaten you in any way because of it. I agree with other bees that this is a power struggle, and he’s trying to “condition” you, which is not acceptable. A marriage is an EQUAL partnership. He needs to learn that before he is ready to be married again.

Post # 469
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@bunnyharriet:  Totally agree with this.

This would never happen in my marriage. My dh would never tolerate his friends disrespecting me by taking his phone away. My dh if he would initalially tolerate it for an hour would be saying ok give me my f’n phone or I am going home. My dh would contact me because he would be concerned about me even if it was for 2 minutes a day without me asking for him to do so. He sure as hell would not flip out on me when he knew he was wrong and twist it back to me. He would have said he was wrong, he was sorry he hurt me and told me what happened over the weekend.

I would have done the same for him. Why, because he is my best friend. It’s about being on the same page in a relationship. Knowing what your other half’s triggers are and working to minimize them and not make them worse. It’s about respecting your partner and your relationship. It’s about being humble when you are wrong and learning from your mistakes to better your relationship. It sounds like you have learned from your mistakes. He is twisting this around on you, holding your relationship emotionally hostage, and doing nothing to better it. He is showing you what he really is. Now do you want this for life?

Post # 470
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

This thread is still frustrating me.  You didn’t answer any of my previous questions (page 9). You never addressed whether you actually thought he was cheating on you, etc.  By the way, you did imply you were thinking of leaving him earlier in this thread because of his behavior over the weekend, and he seems to be matching your desire for revenge.  You both sound very unempathetic, and I’m seeing a trend of manipulation and game playing.   I would suggest some serious therapy if this relationship is going to continue.   

Post # 471
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@All In:  Im sorry to say this, but this is going to be your FI’s third marriage (that in itself is RED FLAG in my opinion)…  I think your Fiance has issues with commitment if a silly spat like this is a “dealbreaker”.  he seems like he’s not someone who is willing to stick it through thick or thin…  This seems like such a silly argument, but his reaction is not silly.  like other bees have said BIG RED FLAGS.  Until he can deal with his issues (both anger, not being able to compromise, forgive and be a PARTNER), you should NOT marry him…  he has turned this whole thing around on you, and quite frankly, its just ridiculous.  Stop apologizing!!!!  he hasnt!!!

Post # 472
Member
3877 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Update OP? How are things going? Any progress?

Post # 473
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

i second the request for an update… hopefully things have improved!

Post # 474
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

The fact is that every couple fights. It’s how you fight that will determine whether you’ll get through it or not.

I also have to say that his text “I knew I wouldn’t be able to enjoy this weekend without repurcussions from you” makes me think he knew exactly how pissed you would be, and it wouldn’t have surprised me if he organised that ‘leave the groom alone’ text himself.

Silence, ignoring each other, throwing things, making out like the other person is lying and passive aggressiveness will never, ever equal a happy, respectful marriage.

Post # 475
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@Cabbagefairy:  I agree. I’ve been following this thread too.

Some thoughts:

1. Although it was inconsiderate of him, the whole thing was blown out of proportion. I relate though because I remember what it was like to stew over a MIA boyfriend. His initial reaction about how “he knew he couldn’t have a good time” or some such seems to suggest that there are underlying past issues. I feel like, if there was more stability in your relationship, then he wouldn’t have said/thought that and you wouldn’t have freaked out and assumed that you were being ridiculed.

2. I don’t think that any relationship near marriage should result in a threat to call off an engagement if the behavior (on either side) is truly out of character.

3. While I certainly agree that you didn’t take the high road and made some bad choices, you have owned up to it and honestly, you’ve taken criticism from other bees VERY WELL! 

4. He is being VERY MANIPULATIVE, which like others have said, raises big red flags. It reminds me of my ex (now friend) who would ALWAYS turn things around on me (or whomever else was to blame – his friends, the server, the landloard, his family, etc). Oftentimes, he left me ZERO room to get upset about anything. During these times (not always, sometimes we would have constructive fights) there were always reasons why I shouldn’t be upset, why his behavior was totally justified. He would meet me half way if I had finally had enough, distanced myself and seriously thought about leaving. Then he would get scared and decide for once that his desire to make me grovel and take 100% ownership of the problem wasn’t worth losing me. I would come back and we’d start the cycle over. Unfortunately, like your Fiance, he would say I MADE him do things. That I shouldn’t have done X, Y or Z because I knew it pushed his buttons. I would think to myself,  “This is what abusive husbands say.”  Conversely, I was no angel either. I remember him telling me that he felt backed into a corner during our fights. That I “played dirty”. I remember feeling like he said that whenever I tried to force him to be more logical in our disagreements (ugh). I have no doubt that I could be immature and petty at times, but I like to think I have grown since then. He was/is a very sweet guy, but with deep issues. Looking back, it’s amazing we survived 6.5 years. 8 years later, he still struggles to keep a relationship for very long (he is 37). 

Utlimately, now that I have a healthy relationship, I realize just how toxic my ex and I were together. We brought out the worst in each other. Yes, we were ultimately responsible for our own behavior, but we built a relationship where it was more important to win the argument than to reach out, listen and try fix what was wrong. 

Something seems broken here. As an engaged couple, you should both be striving to protect the relationship. You seem ready to learn from your mistakes. He does not, and to me, I worry that you will have lots of heartache and frustration in your relationship if he can not take responsibility for anything that went wrong here.

Post # 476
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Update?

Post # 477
Member
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

View original reply
@BlondeMissMolly:  I think the fact that is he is so defensive and unwavering on this tells you that this is how he is going to react anytime he does something he knows is wrong. Like a PP said, he’s trying to condition you to take the blame for anything shitty he does. I know this advice is overused on the boards, but I would seriously reconsider this marriage. The third time just might not be the charm for him (and you).


I agree with your whole post, but this part is worth repeating. He definitely is conditioning her that he can do no wrong, and she is gonna lose any disagreement they have because he’s right even when he’s wrong. I really wish OP a lot of luck because you can’t win or break even in a situation like this. Especially when he lies to make himself right. As OP said, he can’t say he thought she was cool with it, but also say he was the one who had his friends text her.

Now, I DO believe that he told his friends she’d be cool with it, and then he texted her and pretended to be his friends. Now that i see how deceitful he can be, I wouldn’t put it past him to have had his phone the whole time.  I’m really starting to believe a controlling and domineering man like him would not let his friends take his phone. I just can’t see a man like him giving up control. He wanted to be out of touch and probably figured that was the way to get it done.

And if anyone else disagrees with me, that’s fine. It’s just an opinion. No big deal. 

Post # 478
Member
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

View original reply
@bunnyharriet:  I agree with this below.

I wouldn’t marry him because;

  • He was already on the defensive before he even spoke to you which means he knew what he did was wrong. Hopefully all he did was ignore you for three days. I am worried he did more than just that.
  • He is unwilling to accept responsibility, and has spun this all around on you. He is being cruel by saying he doesn’t want to marry you, even though HE was in the wrong, and hasn’t even apologized for it. 
  • He has been married twice and is only 35. Third marriages rarely last, and I have a feeling that a third marriage with him is doomed. 

 You deserve better than him. I know right now you just want to hold onto him, and you’re missing all the red flags. Maybe you should take a break and reevaluate whether you think he is the one for you.

Post # 479
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

still no update?

Post # 480
Member
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Maybe they made up.

Post # 481
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’d love to know too…

The topic ‘Guys "Stole groom's phone" at bachelor party: insist on talking?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors