- 8 years ago
- Wedding: February 2011
Ugh, I’ve been following this whole thread and honestly this turn of events makes me so angry. Getting mad at someone for getting mad at you is manipulative. I’m not going to say your Fiance is a terrible person or is irredeemable, but I am going to say– do not marry him right now.
I think this is a pretty common thing with guys honestly. When I first started dating my husband he would often react similarly if I got mad about something he did (well okay, no cussing or threatening to end things— which are a whole other issue). But I recognized it right away and SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. Clearly. I told him that getting mad at me for getting mad was bullshit and if that is how he wanted to act he could get the f*ck out of my house right now kthxbye. It turned out that he honestly just did not know how to fight. And turning it around on the other person had always worked in the past to get his way, so why not? In our first 3 years together I think we actually spent more time fighting about HOW to fight rather than the underlying things. But what we built from that is a really stable framework where I’m allowed to get mad, and so is he. And neither of us fears that it will end the relationship if we express disappointment or anger. And there is no name-calling and no swearing and no throwing things and very little yelling. Fights are GOING to happen, so you might as well agree on a way to handle them early rather than feeling like you can’t ever bring up a problem for fear he is going to walk out.
I think you honestly need couples counseling to work through both of your issues. I don’t think you handled this exceedingly well (for example, in your situation I would have immediately requested my husband call me and on that call said something along the lines of “Yea… that’s cute but we agreed to speak and you are a grown ass man so I’ll expect your calls as we agreed” rather than just stewing for 3 days). But I also think his reaction was ridiculous. You two need to learn how to express your needs to each other and how to express your disappointments to each other in a way that doesn’t result in swearing and threats.