Post # 1
If I hear one more guy say they don’t “believe in marriage” I think I might loose it! Today I was talking to my brother (28) who said just that to me. He corrected it and then said that he doesn’t need to get married and really doesn’t see the point. He did say he would commit. It’s not the commitment part that bothers him, but the piece of paper.
I explained to him that, to me, marriage is more than a piece of paper, it is a lifetime promise and commitment to a person. I said that it happens that in this society “a piece of paper” comes along with it, however the general idea of marriage is about the commitment and promise to each other and that I’m sure before society put all these contraints into place, people did various rituals and ceremonies to commit themselves and their lives to one another.
Marriage is also, on the practical side, a legally binding contract with a person who is supposed to be one of the people you love most in the world. I asked how he would feel if after 20 years of a committed realtionship, something happened to his Girlfriend complete strangers were able to decide her fate. He said he didn’t like that at all.
It really is mind boggling to me how men (some — not all by any means and I realize there are women who feel like this too) are willing to get into all types of legally binding relationships with businesses and strangers, but when it comes to the person who they love, it’s this huge deal. To me, at the very basic level, it’s a protection for someone that you love should anything bad happen, if nothing more.
How do you feel about comments like that?
Post # 3
I think such comments are idiotic. Marriage exists, it’s not like ‘believing’ in saints or god or how awesome someone it, it’s a legal contract. I think people who don’t want to be married are awesome. As are people that do want to get married. I think people that claim to be sure they want to be with someone forever and are completely committed and are sure they will be with that person forever but just don’t want to get married are lying.
Post # 4
My FI’s family, on his dad’s side, doesn’t really believe in marriage. Various reasons, but we’ve had some pretty good arguments about it, pre-engagement. I am a marriage equality activist, and his aunt and her partner think the movement is kind of stupid and have no interest in getting married, hence the topic comes up.
I think about 97% of men who say that haven’t used three brain cells to think about it. There is plenty to dislike about the tradition behind the institution and the current state of the law, but it is by and large the best way to hold property, plan for the future, and raise children with another person.
Post # 5
I think their dumb, but I had to wave my hand in the air at where you said they are able to get into legally binding contracts with everyone but the person they love. It’s crazy. Some even go with the statement “if a man gets divorced, a woman will take everything.” That annoys me too. Every woman isn’t out for what a man has, for all he knows, she may have more than he does.
Post # 6
I think it’s fine to “not believe” in marriage so long as the person with whom you are involved holds the same view. What drives me insane is when people who honestly don’t see the point of or are opposed to marriage aren’t upfront about it, or magically develop this deeply held, philosophical aversion at around the three-year mark in a relationship. If you don’t want to marry your current GF/BF that’s fine. But sack up and say so already and quit wasting everyone’s time. You don’t get to have your cake and eat it, too.
Post # 7
I find imho, that people who say such things are just really trying to rain on your parade. They’ve been hurt/dumped and they’re wanting to just ruin your happy love vibe that’s all. They may be jealous of what type of happiness you’re experiencing.
I’m too for marriage equality, but think that marriage is a way to publicly say you wish to take another as your partner in life. It’s also an announcement, a solemnaztion of your vow to be with only each other. It is to me, the ultimate way you can show to the world and to your love, that this relationship far outshines any other and is a part of who you are and that you are a family now. It’s also a huge rite of passage for many cultures too.
Post # 8
@Arachna: I totally get you! Whether or not someone WANTS to be married is very different than believing in it. Marriage exists. I’m 100% sure of it.
I don’t think anyone should get married who doesn’t want to and I don’t think everyone has to look at marriage in the same ideals I do, or in a romantic way. That said, it seems like the reason is generally “I don’t believe in it,” which I don’t get. Marriage exists as an instituion and is a legally binding arrangment between two people. If someone doesn’t need that to be happy okay, but just saying “I don’t believe in it” is a total cop out, to me.
And, like I mentioned above, I think it’s kind of ironic people enter into legally binding agreements for so many other things, but when it comes to marriage people suddenly don’t “believe” in that type of contract?
Post # 9
Yea, it makes you wonder doesn’t it.
I’m positively sure that men don’t go into car dealerships and then stop suddenly short of signing the purchase deal and say “I can’t do this. I don’t believe in legal committments.” lol!
Post # 10
when dudes say that to me, i just laugh and say, “i’ll shake your hand and say i told you so at your wedding.” i literally just has this convo with one of my BF’s coworkers about a month ago. he protested quite a bit but i told him i didn’t buy it!
not to discount that there are some guys who don’t legitamately believe in marriage for valid reasons, and that’s fair. i don’t think marriage is for everyone, and if you can find someone that makes you happy and also doesn’t feel the need to get married, more power to you. but it seems like most guys (at least that I know), especially those who have had negative relationship experiences, tend to put their guard up way more than women and say they’re never going to get married. and then one day they meet a woman that kicks their a** and knocks them off their feet and they totally change their tune!
Post # 11
It drives me insane when I hear that! A (young, VERY cocky I might add) customer I have to talk to on the phone all the time (who knew I was getting married always asks how things were & are going in my new married life) ALWAYS says “Ugh. I’m NEVER getting married! No way!” Then he turns around & says “well, maybe when I’m 70 years old & need someone to wipe my butt!” (Can you believe that moron?) I told him nobody would want him then LOL.(I have to listen to his dumb remarks at least twice a week – lucky me)
Post # 12
First, I agree: “Marriage DOES exist.” Therefore, you can’t believe or disbelieve in it. And I totally “ditto” @Jaxx317 – some of these guys are going to finally meet their match & give in & get married. But I have not always held this opinion…
See, I’m a former “I don’t want to get married” girl. My reason was the divorce rate, something that runs in BOTH sides of my family (both my dad’s sibs are divorced, plus his parents had their marriage annulled; 5 of my mom’s 7 sibs, too). My experience with marriage had been such that I didn’t want to get into a legally binding contract with someone who I wasn’t sure was going to stick it out for the rest of our lives. My grandparents were together for 30 years, then got their marriage annulled in their 50s. As a teen, a twenty-something, I didn’t want to imagine myself dating again in my 50s & 60s (no offense to our elder brides – I was not as wise or philosophical as I am now)…I was having a hard enough time dating in my youth! Additionally, my uncles & aunts were intensely hurt by their divorces – some because they were the “victim”, some because they hated hurting someone they loved, but just couldn’t stand being married anymore. So I came up with the plan to just stay unmarried. That way, even if I found someone, I wouldn’t be hurt, or hurtful, & I wouldn’t get lulled into a false security. But, that’s just fear talking.
Little did I know that I would 1) meet the man of my dreams, 2) that he would be willing to live with this lifestyle, or 3) that I would finally learn the “real” meaning of marriage: the complete, unconditional sense of union between two people, & thus, WANT to get married. So, I converted…but try to be easy on the “non-believers”…some are just scared, hurt people.
Post # 13
Oooh, and on that legal argument…most legal contracts deal with money or the exchange of value (work for a paycheck), which, if disolved, gives each party a recompense for the dissolution of the contract. But a marriage is a legal contract that, in our modern times, is also tied up with emotions of love, commitment, family. The dissolution of such a contract not only does not often provide emotional recompense, it can eliminate it & create even more negative emotions, not only for the two parties who joined in the contract, but for any party resulting from the contract. So, connecting back to my “fear” in the post above…some people are just scared of getting into a marriage contract. Just like some people are scared of getting into certain other legal contracts – but we don’t make light of a person shying away from a mortgage or high-risk business deal…
Post # 14
I always take these comments with a grain of salt. Often, 20-somethings (both guys and girls) can’t imagine possibly getting married and start making universal statements. But just because they don’t want to get married themselves, does that mean that they don’t believe in the validity of all the millions of good marriages out there? Often, it turns out to be more of an exaggeration than anything.
I also agree with PPs who mentioned that people who “don’t believe” in marriage might just be hurting. One of my friends thought her BF might propose recently, and she was SO EXCITED about marriage. Then, it turned out he wasn’t planning to propose anytime soon, and all of a sudden it became “Oh, I don’t see the point of it anyway.” 🙂
Post # 15
right on ms. pascua! the legal thing is an argument that can be used either way, and i feel on some level that it has in modern times become so laden with all of the other stuff that people can’t separate the legal act of marriage from the more personal emotional and spiritual commitment that two people make to each other. which is why i think so many people see it as a negative thing.
my mom never got married, and while i think she would be happy – ER if she did get married someday, she’s pretty happy with her life unattached and i don’t think she sees it as a necessity. i think as she gets older, it’s become less important to her. my grandparents, though married up until they both died, were not the happiest people by the end of their days. i think because of this, i was never one of those people who dreamed of getting married as a kid. i was kind of a late bloomer, and didn’t even really think about being in a relationship till i was halfway through college! however, i cannot wait to get married to the man i found and i feel very confident what we have is solid. do i think i really need a piece of paper to validate that commitment?? not really. do i think there are benefits to having it? yes.
Post # 16
I just kind of shrug these kinds of comments off if they seem to come from a macilious place. Otherwise, to each their own. I agree–marriage exists. It’s perfectly fine not to want to get married. I’ve run into plenty of people who don’t want to for whatever reason. I maintain that if you don’t want to get married, don’t expect someone who does want a marriage to stay with you. I agree with teaadntoast. Stop waisting everyone’s time. If you don’t want to get married, but your partner does there is a fundamental difference of values and it’s not fair to either person to be expected to conform to the other’s lifestyle.
Also, I just don’t think not getting married guarantees safety from the emotional distress of having to break your life apart from another person. People who live together for decades unmarried that have children, a home and a life together are still subject to the emotional turmoil that divorced persons endure. In either case, you’re dismantling your entire reality and not having a marriage contract isn’t going to aleviate that pain.