(Closed) GYNO Appt – Painful Experience

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
2815 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Before anything: ” I truly am fully virginal,” what does that mean?! Because you’re super tight down there you’re truly a virgin? what? Did I misunderstand that?

Anywho, try not to compare your experience at the gynecologist to sex. Those are two VERY different ballgames. Going to the gyn is not a pleasurable experience, so your vagina is not going to react in a similar fashion to when you’re aroused before sex.

My biggest suggestion, is to make DARN SURE you use lots of lube, have a TON of foreplay, and take it very slow. It’s probably going to be painful, but the more you relax, the more you let your mind be aroused and into it, and the more attentive you both are at taking your time, the better it will be. You might be surprised.


Good luck!

Post # 4
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

urchin:  “Before anything: ” I truly am fully virginal,” what does that mean?! Because you’re super tight down there you’re truly a virgin? what? Did I misunderstand that?”

I think that she means b/c her hymen is completely intact.  

eagertowedanon23:  Agreed that a gyno appointment and sex are not the same.  There are many factors that can effect your “tightness” and some of those factors will be very different in a sexual situation than in a gyno appt.  One thing you have to keep in mind is that your vaginal walls are made of muscle – muscle that can relax (thus allowing the opening to become larger) or muscles that can tense and thus make you tighter.  It’s not a satic opening that just has one size.

Anyway, in terms of consumating your marriage, a few tips:

 – go slow and try to talk in advancec about the expectation of full intercourse.  In my opinion, you shouldn’t put pressure on yourselves that it HAS to happen on your wedding night.  Working up to it over the course of your honeymoon is a more realistic option for many virgins, espeically if you’ve abstained from all other sexual acts/nudity/etc.  

 – Buy lube. Do it.  Because you are nervous you are unlikely to get wet enough naturally and dry sex is not going to work.

 – Foreplay!  You should spend a MINIMUM of 30 minutes kissing and leading up to things and you should probably give each other some manual manipulation before trying for any sort of intercourse.

 – Work on RELAXING prior to and during sex.  A glass or two of wine goes a long way (if you drink).  Actively working relaxing your pelvic muscles.  One trick is to think of releasing the tension in your jaw.  This helps you release subconcious tension elsewhere in your body.

Post # 5
2815 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

cbgg:  a hymen has nothing to do with virginty. Lots of virgins break them long before they have intercourse… I guess that’s why I just didn’t understand the comment. The only thing that makes you virginal is not having sex…not how it feels down there.

Post # 6
8862 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013


urchin:  agreed. i was going to write the same thing.  a hymen could break while riding a horse or falling.  so the hymen isn’t a sure way to prove virginity.


Post # 7
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

I can’t imagine a gyno appt hurting. Not fun! Being nervous can make it much worse because your muscles seize and it makes more friction- try to do some deep breathing and think of something else next time!

Post # 9
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Do you use pads or tampons?  I found that using tampons helped to open things up a bit more for me.  But just like others said a clinical setting with a doctor is completely different than being with someone.  Yes you might not be able to the first time (a lot of people can’t) but it will come with time and patience.

Later on, you should get the Mirena.  I have had mine for almost 2 years now and I love it! Insertion sucked a bit but it was over rather quickly and now nothing to remember!

Post # 11
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Lube. Lots and lots of lube. And maybe a glass of wine (before). Really, just try to relax and have fun. The more stressed you are, the harder it is. Recognize that it’s going to take some time, and that’s okay. You’ll get there.

Also, I don’t know if this would work for you, but if you want to try to prepare youreself (physically) for sex, you could try gradually stretching yourself out. Start with your smallest finger and see if you can insert it. Use lube! If you can get comfortable with that, you can move to a larger finger, then to two fingers, etc. This will help with the tightness that is being problematic right now. It’s a process that might take a while, but you could, at least, get started before the wedding night, so it’s not so tight. Also, it never hurts to get more comforable and knowledgable about your own anatomy, and will likely help you not be so stressed about sex, when it happens. 

It’ll work out. So try not to worry. Stick to the fun, non-painful stuff, and it’ll be easier to work up to full sex.

Post # 12
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

eagertowedanon23:  I just want to throw this out there, because people usually don’t hear about this, but my first time didn’t hurt! Which really surprised me, because I tend to be really sensitive when it comes to pain and all that. I am just telling you that so you can be open to the possibility that it might not hurt. 

Also, maybe the wedding night is not the night for this. That might sound crazy to suggest, but there is already a ton of pressure on that day from all the hype, the details, the schedule, the family (depending how your family is), etc. Maybe talk with Fiance about keeping your options open, see how you feel that night. Maybe you’ll get into your room and feel like it’s definitely the right moment or you might say “woah, I am exhausted, let’s relax and just start getting to know each other’s bodies” I am not sure what your sexual experience has been but it could be a lot to jump into sex if you haven’t done other things first and started to get comfortable in your body and with someone else’s body being in contact with your body. 

I will say, I waited until a somewhat later age for my first time, although it wasn’t for marriage, but I waited that long because I just wasn’t emotionally ready until then. I have no idea how old you are, but it might be good to check in with yourself and feel out if you’re ready. I think it’s like going on an adventure, it’s no small undertaking. I think being ready and putting your trust in your partner (and in your faith, if that’s your thing) makes a huge difference. 

Also speaking to the gyno thing, that has always been uncomfortable and even painful for me. I think I just get really nervous because I don’t know my doctor that well and they’re in the most intimate space of my body. I am planning on having a conversation next time I go to the doctor to address that… anyhow, as PP said, lots and lots of lube, a glass or two of wine always helps (I had half a glass of champagne before my first time, which didn’t even get me buzzed, but I wonder if that is part of what made me so relaxed and it wasn’t painful at all). The other thing, which so many people struggle with, is honest and open communication. I used to feel so embarrassed asking for certain things or I wasn’t sure how to let Fiance know if something wasn’t working for me, but honestly he really appreciates it when I speak up and I tend to think most men do too. They really want to make us happy but they have different bodies and they won’t always know 100% how if we don’t tell them. (By the way, I hate making this generalization sound like it’s only a heterosexual problem, it’s a problem for any couple, because everyone has different bodies and needs to communicate about their needs for their partner to know them all)

I could go on for hours about this. Love the topic! You’ve got this!

Post # 13
16 posts
  • Wedding: May 2015

I really feel your pain!  I had a partially imperforated hymen.  I thought for YEARS that something was wrong with me sexually.  I could never use a tampon because there was no “hole” that I could find.  This led to some self esteem issues and anxiety when I first starting dating my Fiance.  We took things slow but it was clear that there was something “wrong” with me.  I had been on birth control for about a year prior to this because of an issue with ovarian cysts.  It was embarassing when at the hospital (for a ruptured cyst) I had to decline the vaginal ultrasound because I knew it wouldn’t work.  At the gyno, they pretty much told me that because of the (mostly) imperforated hymen, I wouldn’t be able to have sex easily.  They suggested dildos and stretchers, which you can buy online.  I will look for the website and post it if I find it.  Besides using fingers, I never tried any of those online things, since I lived at home with my family and was embarassed to order.

Finally, Fiance and I wanted to have sex but I was afraid to try.  Then we did try, and failed a few times.  It was painful so we ended up doing other stuff.  I became so desperate that I actually went to some specialists and was going to schedule a surgery for my partially impeforated hymen – I even got my parents on board since I was on their insurance.  Obviously surgery was an extreme option, but I felt like there was no other way.  I did decide to try a few more times, and lo and behold it happened!!  It was painful, but I told Fiance (my boyfriend at the time), “Just keep going!  I’d rather get it over with!”  Not the most romantic thing ever, for sure. 

The next time I went to the gyno and explained that we were now able to have sex, but it hurt, she said, “The more sex you have, the better!  It will open it up and hurt less and less each time!  Use lots of lube, and take it slow.”  That was a prescription we could live with, and Fiance would say, “Doctor’s orders!”  The only thing that was embarassing afterwards was that my mom asked me about scheduling the surgery and I said, “Oh, umm, well, I don’t think I really want it after all.”  She totally knew what happened!

So my advice is that any thing you can do beforehand (fingers, dildos, stretchers) would totally help, but I agree with PP that you should take it slow and use lots of foreplay.  Also remember, it gets better.  Your first time might not be the most amazing thing you’ve ever experienced, but it will be nice because you’ll be close with someone you love and you’ll have so much more, better sex in your future!

Let me know if you have any other questions!  Good luck!

Post # 14
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Don’t let your GYN get you down when she said she could only get a finger in there….it’s a VERY different experience when you’re having sex versus a doctor’s office.  You were nervous about the appointment, of course you were a little tighter down there!  But as a PP mentioned your vagina isn’t static….it can expand and it will when it needs to.  Foreplay, lube, and feeling comfortable with your new husband will go a long way in helping you relax and be able to fit more than just a finger when the time comes.  So don’t assume that this appointment automatically means no sex on your wedding night!  Ultimately, just do what you feel comfortable with.

Post # 15
10601 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

I feel a fair bit of pain anytime I have a pap smear.

I usually feel a bit of pain during sex, usually it’s just for a second at the beginning, occassionally a position will cause some pain too.  The pain I feel during sex isn’t that bad, nothing compared to the pap smear, and I still enjoy sex, the second or two of pain is worth it.

Everyone’s experience is a bit different, hopefully it helps to hear some more.  Just because a penis wouldn’t be able to fit during an exam, doesn’t it mean it won’t be able to fit after some foreplay.  If it doesn’t happen the first time though, there are other things you can do.

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