Had a bad proposal? This should make you feel better

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
Post # 16
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

slomotion :  Can I just say that I’ve noticed a bunch of your no-BS comments on various threads today, and they are always friggen spot on! you’re awesome. 

Sorry OP- but slomotion is right. 

Post # 17
Hostess
3875 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

He has no desire to be with you and he’s trying to find a way out is all I took from any of this. Why not be with somebody who wants to be with you and can’t imagine his life without you instead of accepting scraps and passive aggressive bull shit from this guy? 

ETA: I’ve never understood men willing to make babies with women they aren’t willing to marry. What the hell is the end goal there? 

Post # 18
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

Sorry you are going through so much pain and confusion. To my mind this is less about the proposal than about the kind of relationship you want to be in. After 20 years of marriage to an emotionally abusive man and 3 years of marriage to the kindest man I have ever known, I believe more than ever in the power and importance of kindness. What that means in a relationship is simply that you care about how the other person feels and act accordingly, even if it makes you uncomfortable to do so. Not that you have to do everything they want, but that you care about what they want and listen and are present with them as you figure things out together. This article in the Atlantic magazine says it better than I can https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/ 

Wishing you well, bee.

Post # 19
Member
9806 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

blac12 :  I’m glad someone enjoys me. haha

Post # 20
Member
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

That is way too long. He sounds pretty inconsiderate, I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t even read it. Don’t text him or Facebook message him. Just say this:

“Honey, I was really disappointed the other day. After 5 and a half years I expected more from this relationship”.

then, be quiet. And really listen to what he has to say.

if it’s anything less than “I’m so sorry I want to marry you ASAP”

Then you say, “I’m sorry. I need more than that”. And start packing and walk out.

Youre giving him all the power. Take it back. You’re young. You have kids already. You deserve more.

Post # 21
Member
512 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

littlecats :  I agree completely.  Short, simple, and straightforward is definitley the best way to go about this

Post # 22
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. He sounds like a user. Him saying that you can get married if you “keep doing all the right things” is a big red flag. It sounds like he likes what you provide for him and he’ll do the bare minimum to keep you around but it doesn’t sound like he’s on the same page with you. 

From what you say it sounds like you are always taking care of other people, whether it’s your children or your SO. Maybe it’s time to take care of you and find out what you need in life and if this guy can’t provide it then maybe it’s time to find someone who can. 🙁

Post # 23
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you deserve more – way more. He sounds like he’s using you at best, and emotionally manipulative at worst. The “you can have this is you act the right way” comment is a HUGE red flag. 

Post # 27
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

kjacks89 :  I really like how you are considering the impact this has on your kids.  If he is not committed, get out while they are young.  Good luck, you are going to be GREAT and you and your family deserve a committed partner.  Don’t let the desire to be married obscure your vision.  There are fantastic partners still out there your age who want what you want and are looking for it. 

Post # 28
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

why do you have such low self esteem that you keep letting men treat you like crap? Just because this guy sticks around doesn’t mean he loves you- his actions/words say he’s staying because you do stuff for him. Do you know what it feels like to be loved? He should wake up.everyday thinking “what can I do to make her life better? Anything to make her happy!”– your guy is selfish. You already said he doesn’t take care of stuff for his kids, everything is on your shoulders.

when anyone tells you “take it or leave it” = you LEAVE IT!! He knows you can do better, he knows you deserve better, but he’s telling you that he’s not going to change. He’s not willing to do anything to keep you. Are you willing to settle for less in life? Sad. Terrible example for your children.

Post # 29
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I’m sorry, but it just sounds like a toxic relationship where he will continue to manipulate you (based on what i read from your post at least). You have the right to listen to your gut instinct and not be happy because from how everything led up to it, it should not be how a “proposal” goes, ring or no ring. A man can propose with no ring, but it has to come from his heart. You mentioned he didnt even look at you.. what is that even supposed to be?? The other bees have already mentioned it, but the whole, “if you keep doing the right things”.. umm.. NO. so many red flags and sirens going off from that. 

Post # 30
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t know why you keep posting the same thing, but your relationship sounds incredibly immature from both ends. Even after 5 years, it doesn’t sound like either one of you is ready for marriage.

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