(Closed) Had a fight, now having some doubts. =(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

You took your poll down?!?!

I think you are wrong. I agree with your Fiance. I am sure she can upgrade later, if she wants, but she should still be happy that he proposed. I think that he probably did take what she liked into consideration and he purchased what he could afford.

Post # 4
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

i think you are wrong about getting this upset about something that never really happened between you and your fiance. but i also don’t think that is the issue….you seemed to lay the issue out in that maybe you are getting cold feet..and so you are getting upset about your Fiance saying he almost bought you a ring you didn’t like (when in fact, you said you have the ring u want!)…..i think u need to think about why u want to marry him and focus on that…..and if you don’t want to marry him…i would say better to figure that out BEFORE you get married!

 

as a side, if these are things you are struggling with, i do sympathize. it can’t be an easy to thing to figure out while in the midst of planning a wedding and everyone expects you to be on cloud 9.

Post # 5
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Personally I see what youre saying… I would have been happy that FH proposed but I definitely feel the same way about the ring, please dont give me something I wouldnt want to wear.  Especially something that you in theory will wear the rest of your life.  I disagree with the upgrade that PP suggested.  I wanted my engagement ring to be it end of story (thankfully it is) I dont want to change it at a later date a. its a waste of money and b. I feel the sentiment would be lost IMO.   Unfortunately, when it comes to gift giving, he might not have the same ideas as you and it is a gift …its hard to judge someone for being thoughtful.  And men just think differently, hes probably thinking this is what I like to see her in.  Much like we buy clothes for our guys, stuff they normally wouldnt pick out because its what wed like to see them in.  What Im not understanding is how it equates to future decisions. What kind of other future decisions are you worried about him making?  I think your cold feet are stemming from something esle… do a little soul seaching… are you looking for a reason out?

Post # 6
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

This post actually made me think of a post that was up a few weeks ago wherein someone wanted to buy their SO a gift that he had already voiced that he did not want.  But she wanted to get it for him anyway because she thought he would like it one day.  The weird thing to me was that everyone agreed with her.  It just doesn’t make sense to me to spend any amount of money on something that you know someone else won’t like, especially when you know what they do want.  I mean, I like bright colors and my husband doesn’t.  I’m not going to buy him a bunch of shirts in primary colors just because I like them.

On another note, I don’t think it makes sense for you to be questioning your relationship based on this issue.  Especially because your Fiance got you the ring you wanted.  Maybe there are other reasons for your cold feet stirring under the surface and this was just the one thing that sent everything over the top for you?

Post # 7
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Not sure why the others are saying you’re wrong unless I’m missing something.

Isn’t it a general rule of thumb that when you give a gift, it should be about what the person would like, rather than what you want the person to have?

 

Post # 8
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@ChrisLuckieBride: you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. This isn’t even your issue, so what are you REALLY fighting about?

I’m sure you realize that both of you are correct in a sense. An e-ring is symbolic of his love for you–it is NOT a gift that he goes out and fetches for you. So yes, it actually should reflect his taste. Now at the same time, sure, it should probably reflect his taste AS WELL AS yours since you’re the one wearing it, but that’s “should,” not “must.”

But I ask again: what is the real issue? Sounds like you fear that his thoughts on this issue mean that he puts himself ahead of you and he fears that your thoughts on this issue mean that you don’t value him. Is that what’s going on? Those are bigger issues and valid fears, but I think that  you probably just need to step back and ask yourself: do you REALLY think he puts himself ahead of you? Does he REALLY think you don’t value him? I suspect that your answer will be “no”–that’s really the point, not some silly difference in opinion regarding somone else’s drama.

Post # 9
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Agree with previous posters. As far as the ring issue itself goes, I am actually more inclined to see your perspective. As a bride, though, I would be happy that my Fiance was so excited about getting engaged that he picked something he loved even if it wasn’t what I envisioned, although I struggle with disappointment when clear expectations are not met. However, despite all that, it’s a relatively insignificant issue. Certainly not enough to make me doubt my fiance unless there were more in play here that we don’t know about… I am sorry you are struggling with these things, but if this is enough to make you doubt your relationship, you need to take a step back and have a serious talk with your Fiance. Better now than later. Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

I have a different take on this than most of the posters because this did actually happen to me.

My ex hubby bought me a yellow gold ring in a very traditional setting with diamonds.  Before that, he had asked me to make a little ‘look book’ with rings I would like and EVERY one of them was a blue sapphire cushion cut with white sapphires surrounding it in a white gold setting, lol!  So when he proposed he gives me a yellow gold marquis diamond with channel diamonds set on the side – huh?  Honestly, we hadn’t even discussed marriage – it was more of a fun ‘we’re bored’ project (I was only 20). 

But I said yes and wore my ring with love and felt special for him to have picked a ring for me for sure.  However, I was a bit disappointed that he would seemingly disregard any of my tastes at all to get what he felt was a ‘proper’ engangement ring.  Now, I’m not saying your friend’s Fiance will turn out as we did, but this became a pattern with him.  I’ve always had kind of a bohemian style, and for Xmas he started buying me preppy sweaters and blazers and things that are not my style and I would never want to wear.  Then he ‘surprised’ me with putting a deposit on a house that I didn’t want.  You get the picture, I’m sure.

I think your Fiance probably responded the way he did because he almost did the same thing.  It’s probably that he felt a little defensive about it.  I personally would never return anything anyone got me ever.  I am one of those ‘its the thought that counts’ kind of people and am grateful for gifts.  But I do think that if disregarding what someone wants becomes a pattern than it could be a big problem.  Hope that helped!

Post # 11
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

i agree with luckyprincess in that he was probably feeling defensive since he nearly got you a ring to his tasting instead of yours. the thing that really bugs me in this is that he said you’re acting like a bitch. if those were his words, then THAT would be the thing that would make me reconsider marrying him, not the ring issue (which isn’t even your issue since he got you the ring you want). if his response in a fight is call you a bitch, then that’s a problem for me. even if i’m acting like one (which i’ll admit – i totally do sometimes!) in a fight, FH at most has told me that i’m acting like a child. i mean, we cuss all the time so it’s not like the word hurts my feminine sensibilities, it’s just that if he’s calling you derogatory names when you fight, then that’d be the thing to watch out for – not whether or not he almost got you a ring you didn’t like.

Post # 12
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

Ehn, anytime I buy stuff for my Fiance, I always add a gift receipt just in case he doesn’t like it. I never feel bad if he doesn’t like stuff. And he knows how I am. He doesn’t buy me shoes or clothes or jewelry without my input AND he will put in a gift receipt if he doesn’t consult me. It’s not like I am hard to please, but I just don’t make myself the arbiter of what people like. I think when it comes to a ring, he should take my wishes into account. I’m sorry something this small blew up between you guys.

Post # 13
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@ChrisLuckieBride: I actually know exactly what you’re talking about and believe me, it’s NOT a deal breaker. You love each other and will get married. You both are just dealing with hurt feelings right now, stemming from a situation that really didn’t have anything to do with either one of you.

My FH gave me a yellow gold ring. It was okay, but nothing like what I imagined. (there was also some other ring drama, but I’m determined to stay focused).  Finally I told him, I love you, and I’m going to marry you, but I’m not wearing this.

The ring is not the real issue. The real issue is that you don’t feel like your opinion matters and it is something that involves you.  Make sure FH knows that. Also, if you’re going to do the whole “let’s sit and talk about this” make sure to give him kudos for trying. Because you’re only thinking, “ugh, I’ll have to look at this forever” and he’s thinking “i can’t believe I’m spending my money on this”. 

Marriage 101: COMPROMISE – COMPROMISE- COMPROMISE!!

Post # 14
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with OP, if the girl made it clear to her Fiance that she didnt like yellow gold, then its sad he would buy her a yellow gold ring. To me that shows he didnt pay attention to her likes and dislikes.  I’m not saying a guy has to buy the exact ring that the girl wants but atleast the choice of metal should be something she likes.

Having said that I dont think this reflects on your FI’s other decision making ability. SOme guys just arent good at picking gifts but get defensive if they are called out on it.

Post # 15
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think your wrong for getting upset over the agruement and different veiws, but I don’t think you should break up over it. I agree with you on your outlook, it’s one thing if your saying oh I want a 2ct diamond and your Fiance can only afford 1ct and he gets that, but if your saying style wise and look wise you like something and your guy does something that HE likes it kind of makes me feel that the guy didn’t put that much thought into it and put himself and what he liked first. I also feel like if a guy is going to ask what you like and bring you out shopping to get ideas then why go with something that is different then what you like. It’s one thing if the guy did it totally on their own, and really had no idea what you liked though.

I was engaged once before, and my ex Fiance had horrible different taste then I, he was a very flasy showy person, and he wanted major bling, I did not at all, for him buying the ring was a status thing and he put more thought into buying a ring that HE could show off and brag about, it hurt that he didn’t even really care what I liked and I started to feel that maybe he just wanted to show off and he is missing the whole meaning of getting married, After a lot of bickering about the Engagement Ring style he finally went with something simple that I liked , but he made it a point to say that he didn’t like it many times, needless to say it showed what kind of person he was in the end.

 

Post # 16
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think you’re right to be upset – it shows a lack of consideration on his part – but I don’t think you should break up over it either.

My Fiance picked my ring out all on his own, with no input from me, and the first words out of his mouth after he proposed (aside from the “I love you”s, etc) were “You can pick out a different one if you want to.” He’d gone back and forth between several rings and put a lot of time into the decision, so I can see where guys might be kind of defensive about this. But as you said, I’ll be wearing it for the rest of my life… he wanted to make sure I loved it (I did, and didn’t pick out another).

I keep gift receipts for everything I buy for my Fiance. If he doesn’t like something, I don’t take it personally – it’s important that we’re honest with each other (while still being gentle with one another’s feelings), and I’d rather give him something he’ll love instead of just put up with. So one of the biggest purchases of his life? You better believe he checked to make sure I was happy with it. Why spend all that money otherwise?

I think what’s bothering you more is 1. a lack of consideration for your feelings/happiness on his part and 2. the way he’s making you feel like a bee-yatch for honestly sharing your feelings with him. Both of those things need to be addressed, but I wouldn’t go into this with guns drawn πŸ™‚

I would just preface whatever you’re going to say with an explanation that you realize guys put a lot of time and consideration into an engagement ring, and you love yours.

Guys can be so touchy sometimes Smile

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