(Closed) Had a fight, now having some doubts. =(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with several of the previous posters– It seems silly to get upset over this, when you don’t even have a dog in this fight (after all, your fiance did give you the ring you wanted). 

However, I think the question is, why are you making such a big deal out of it anyway?  Is it because you see other instances of your fiance choosing his preferences and disregarding yours, and this is just the latest example?  If so, maybe that’s the issue you need to explore further.

Post # 18
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

 I dont think this is worth ending the relationship.  Good luck.

Post # 19
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think I can relate to your feelings on this. Even though this situation does not directly involve you and your Fiance…it made you think about how he would react in future situations. I think I am reading it as “will he ignore my feelings in future situations by putting himself first and ignoring my input?”

I think it is a situation where you talk to him about your concerns that he may not treat you as a partner in future decisions and that it bothers you. A marriage should not be HIM over HER or HER over HIM…both should have input on any decisions made and compromises met to achieve the goal In My Humble Opinion.

Post # 20
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I kind of feel like there’s a big elephant in the room. Maybe your Fiance is secretly mad that he had to buy a ring you picked out and is lashing out through this argument? It doesn’t sound like either of you are making an attempt to understand where the other is coming from. I think both sides have a good point and this would be an easy thing to meet in the middle on.

Post # 21
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I have learned one thing in my almost two years of marriage: Don’t get into arguments over hypotheticals. This situation didn’t happen to you; your fiance was not the person who bought the “wrong” ring. Judge your fiance by his own behavior, not what he says he would do in a hypothetical situation.

Also, try to get at the values behind his opinions, instead of interpreting his actions through your own values. It sounds like he is emphasizing the symbolic value of the engagement ring as a promise of his love, whereas you are emphasizing the practicality of wearing a piece of jewelry for the rest of your life. It’s apples and oranges. Your values aren’t necessarily more important or better than his; they are just different. So he isn’t disregarding your values so much as he is living by his own, which in general is a good thing. With time you have to learn whose values will take precedent in various situations. You don’t have to always agree as long as you can find a way of working together to be fair to you both in the long term.

Post # 22
Member
1955 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I understand your doubts but like others have said, since it didn’t happen to you two, I don’t think it’s worth ending your engagement over!

I will say that I think you are right in your argument tho! And that is from first-hand experience.  I told my Darling Husband (then bf) some things that I wanted in my e-ring and he chose not to go with them…Well, 1.5 years later and I still don’t like my ring as much as I would’ve if he’d done what’d I’d asked and we have had several fights about me changing the setting…And it royally effing SUCKS! So I sympathize and to me, the ring is just a piece of jewelry and everyone should be happy with theirs, and every FH should want their fiance to be happy with her ring!

Post # 23
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

When you buy a gift do you buy something that you want or something that you know the gift receiver wants?

I can understand maybe a different stone cut or slightly different style over another, but the color gold totally changes the look and whether the ring will go with your other jewelry. At the very least, the ring should be the color gold you like and would normally wear.

Your Fiance needs to get over himself.

Post # 24
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Here’s the thing. Your Fiance is not your friend’s Fiance. He bought the ring that YOU liked. This hypothetical shouldn’t even matter, because he cares about your tastes and interests. No matter how close he came to buying yellow gold, something in him told him to find something that YOU would like because he wants you to be happy. Don’t have doubts. He’s a good guy! I think he is just being sensitive because he understands where the other guy is coming from. In the end he made a decision that was right for both of you.

Post # 25
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@JennyW1: Very good answer. I agree totally.

Post # 26
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@luckyprincess: That is a really good life experience post! Thanks for sharing.

@chrisluckybride: Luckily for you, your fiance “almost” went with his own taste but he did not. He is starting a good pattern for having his own taste, but being willing to be thoughtful of yours.  🙂

Post # 27
Member
5920 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

When Fiance proposed, I was a little surprised by the ring.  I have tiny, size 4 fingers, and wanted a .5 carat solitaire in a thin, pave band. Something classic and dainty. Instead I got a much larger, three stone ring.  I think he sensed something, because when we were taking the ring to be sized, he said “If you don’t like it, you are welcome to exchange it for another style,”

I smiled, kissed him, and told him I absolutely loved it. He went to the jewelry store, picked it out himself, and asked me to be his wife.  Maybe it’s just me, but every time I look at my ring, I smile so hard my face hurts remembering that day. 

I don’t think I would get that with the ring I liked.  I don’t know, LOL.

Post # 28
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think it shows respect to ask the girl what type of jewlery she likes but on the flip side – you never know what he’ll surprise you with!  If it’s coming from him you’re bound to love it no matter what!!  I say be happy and grateful for the wonderful things you have!

Post # 29
Member
7299 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Without reading any of the responses, I feel the way you do. My SO a few months ago was showing me rings HE liked and I didn’t like any of them. I don’t like yellow gold and I don’t own any of it. I don’t like bulky rings. If he would just ignore my tastes then I wouldn’t be happy wearing something I  don’t like.

I don’t know why your Fiance got angry over it. You should tell him that there is no point in fighting about something that’s going on with a different couple. He picked out your ring and you love it. End of conversation.

Post # 30
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I sort of don’t agree with either of you.  This is not an issue between the either of you, as they say – pick your battles.  You shouldn’t fight over this.  You have your ring, he didn’t propose with a yellow-gold ring.  Why open a can of worms that isn’t even there?

I say agree to disagree and move on.  You have your ring so this will never be an issue for you.

Post # 31
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think others have given enough advice on the ring issue. I would like to focus on the cold feet issue.

After my fiance and I got engaged, life was great. Then we had our first argument and suddenly I was questioning everything. The argument was pretty similar to yours in regards to its seriousness (not really a big deal) but what intensified everything was that I started looking for all of these “red flags.” Suddenly, things that I would have never over analyzed and simply overlooked were now the center of many of my thoughts. I just wanted to make sure that I wasnt overseeing anything before entering a life long commitment with my future hubby. I continued to over analyze things for a month or so. I was unhappy and really questioning the relationship. I couldn’t figure out what had changed. It wasn’t him, it was ME! Then it dawned on me that this was the man I loved and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Over analyzing every little move in an effort to find a big red flag that would indicate I was making the wrong choice was the biggest source of the problem. I backed off and stopped over thinking everything and we are back to our old selves and madly in love.

I think with such a high divorce rate now days, it puts a lot of pressure on you to make sure that your relationship won’t end in the same fate.

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