Post # 1
I don’t remember how it even started. It was something to do with the house we are buying, and somehow it blew up out of our control. It was like an out of body experience. We were grabbing each other’s things and threatening to break them, ans screaming. Again, I am not sure how we got there. Anyway, after we stopped arguing, I heard him breaking a bunch of things in the basement. When he came back up, I asked what he broke and he calmly said a bunch of cameras. We both have several, so I asked him did he break any of mine.
He said yes, so I grabbed a couple of his video games to break and dashed in the basement to see if he really broke my cameras and he did! 4 cameras were on the floor in pieces. Both of ours. I immediately reached for his games, and he grabbed my hands and told me that those were the cameras that we didn’t have chargers for, that didn’t work, etc…I could not get to his games, and honestly I didn’t really want to break them…but I was so heartbroken by what just happened that I just fell to the floor. We have been together 8 years, and they have been amazing. He is the best man for me and normally brings out the best in me…but this is the 3rd time he has broken something in anger. He is always so calm after he does it…so he had the ability to speak to me calmly and try to talk me down because I was still very upset. Anyway, I just don’t know what to do from here.
My husband is a calm and rational person normally, and so am I. We usually have healthy discussions instead of arguments…so how did this happen? I just don’t know what to do. I am hurting right now. Neither one us slept last night, and I don’t know how to handle things when I get home. I know that no one can really tell me about my relationship. You don’t know him and you don’t me…I guess I just needed to get this out. Thanks for listening.
Post # 3
@Bellagiobride: You poor thing. Everyone has crazy fights at some stage and it sounds like you want to resolve it so I’m sure it will be fine. 🙂
Post # 4
sounds like you both need to have something in your life that helps you deal with pressure…we all get stressed out & need to change our focus sometimes. When you feel like things are going to explode you need to go do something else…take a walk…go to your room and listen to some music…anything to diffuse the situation….Also, it sounds like things were building up to this big explosion, so try not to let things keep building up: Something I have learned over the years is to PICK YOUR BATTLES…if it isnt really worth falling out about then forget about it and do not bring it up later…If, however, it is something you feel strongly about deal with it at the time. Otherwise things compound and then you end up with a big fight. Good luck!
Post # 5
@Bellagiobride: I’m sorry you had to experience that. I hope you two are able to resolve things and continue on with a better week.
Post # 6
I think you should start thinking about how you got there. You keep saying you don’t know how you got there, but normal fights don’t involve so much anger. Sounds like you need to figure out what the underlying issue is. Good luck
Post # 7
Goodness that sound really destructive and scary! Hope things get better and neither of you loses your cool like that again. Hugs.
Post # 8
maybe have SOMEthing meant for him to break, so he can redirect his need for destruction in a healthier way? or does he have to break *your* things to calm down?
a punching bag, cardboard boxes to stomp on, maybe even cheap children’s electronics. anything.
Post # 9
@Bellagiobride: I agree, OP: I dont see how you have 8 wonderful years of marriage and, *boom*, suddenly a fight so severe you start trashing eachothers stuff. There is definitely more going on here that has been building up.
Post # 10
Thanks for the comments all. I think the tension over buying this house is one underlying issue. The bank has been putting us through the ringer (it’s a foreclosure), and things have been building up. The bank is being petty and ridiculous, and normally we act like a cohesive unit. I do need to figure out how we got to such an ugly place. We need to figure it out together. I just don’t want this to be us.
@patchy: No, he broke both of our cameras, and previously he broke my catchphrase game, and something electronic of his. So he just needs something to break. His, mine…he clearly doesn’t care. This was around 3 and 4 years ago…I thought we were past it.
Post # 11
@MrsTVLover: I was thinking the same thing.
@Bellagiobride: The fact that you possibly blacked out during this argument is not healthy. No one should be breaking things in a heated discussion. Ever.
I remember the first time FH and I fought (didn’t really fight, he was sleepy/hungry/grumpy and I was teasing him too much) and he yelled at me and slammed his contact solution bottle on the sink which caused the toothbrushes to shake and fall, and it all got really loud and I just stood there frozen. As he walked away in anger, I shut the bathroom door and cried my eyes out in there. Needless to say I grabbed my phone and went to sleep on the couch. This was the first ever situation like this in our 5 year relationship. I forgave him because he apologized the whole night and the whole next day, and bought me 2 bouquets of flowers. I made it very clear to him that if this ever happens again, I am out because I don’t kid around with this sh:t. It is alarming to me that you say this isn’t the first time he does this in anger.
Please go to counseling and discuss your inner feelings because something is not right. Good luck.
Post # 12
@badabing88: No, we have been together 8 years, we have been married less than a year. We have argued before, and he has broken things before as I said. However, it was uglier than it has been in a long time. Maybe ever. We had a big blow up around year 3 when he broke my game, but we swore we wouldn’t let things get out of hand ever again. But this was just as bad…maybe worse. We would not have gotten married of this is how we normally communicate.
Post # 13
@Bellagiobride: I’m so sorry you had to experience that. It sounds like it was so scary. Buying a house can be hell. I know, I’ve experienced trying to purchase to different foreclosures and they both fell through. In the end I said to hell with it and got a regular listed home. I hope you two can get back to your happy place. *hugs*
Post # 14
@Bellagiobride: I’m sorry honey, fighting isn’t always easy, but it is part of being married….if I were you, I’d run to the thrift store, buy a cart load of the ugliest, cheapest, most hideous chintsy knick knacks I could find….I’m talking about bunnies, and birds, and snow globes and plates with Elvis on them and a baseball bat….
Your man likes to break things, it makes him feel better…OK…there’s worse things on this Earth, how about we break some shit that NEEDS to be broken?
Set up the Break Room someplace and put a bow on the door….and give it to your husband….he’ll feel understood and your shit can still be in tact.
Post # 15
@Bellagiobride: That’s what I’m saying: this appears to be *far* outside the norm for you, so what could be causing such polar opposite behavior? Is there something that might be on his mind you don’t know about? Work stress?
Post # 16
@Bellagiobride: ((HUGS)) I’m so very, very sorry you’re hurting. It sounds as though you’re both under a lot of stress and both reacted very badly. Your husband definitely needs to get a grip on his temper, though. Breaking things – any things – in anger is WRONG and not acceptable on any level. It’s an immature and destructive way to handle his anger.
You can get past this, though. You need to talk with him, calmly, and let him know that while you understand his overload of stress and frustration, and that your argument got out of hand, you can’t let it ever get to that level again.
The thing is – we need to remember this, as women – we get into an argument with a man and we usually expect that things will be resolved. We vent our emotions. However, sometimes something will trigger a man’s testosterone-driven ego beyond the point of rationality and it sounds like your husband hit that point. It’s not unsolvable. But it does need to be addressed – with respect, love, understanding and compassion. Your husband is not a bad person for doing what he did. He’s a normal man but he’s a man who needs to never let something like that be ok with himself ever again.
Let him know you understand and forgive what he did but that you will never, ever, under any circumstances again accept any inkling of violent behavior. Appeal to his protectiveness and love for you by letting him know his actions SCARED you.
You can get past this. Hang in there, hon.