- Wedding: August 2014 - Monponsett Inn
Reading about your situation is like déjà vu for me. I’ve been with my Fiance for 8 years and we’ve only just got engaged 5 months ago. We had talked about marriage for years now and I was worried that that was all it was ever going to amount to – talk. Whenever the subject came up, depending on his mood or the tone of the conversation, he could be sort of jokey or talk about specifics that sound like he’s making plans, but sometimes if it was serious, he could get upset and frustrated. I had asked if it was because he honestly just didn’t ever want to get married and just had trouble admitting it but he always insisted that he wanted to get married and have children – you know, someday, someday soon.
I had told him that it’s ok with me if he didn’t want to get married because it wasn’t something I felt I had to have, but I just need to KNOW. I would like to have children but I didn’t have to have the marriage in order to do that but he said his religious background makes him want to be married first. But months turned into years and still no proposal and same reactions to the topic. Always one excuse or another. I kept periodically feeling either hurt or angry because I wasn’t sure I could believe him anymore, wasn’t sure what the truth was, and angry also because I was worried that he will stall so long that I’ll lose my chance of having children.
Like you and your SO, we live together. I bought a house and he moved in 2 years ago. I started feeling that I needed space from him because I think some distance would have been good for me. I had been going back and forth internally about whether I should just break it off before he wasted any more of my time. I love him but I think I would resent him if I end up 40 yrs old and still waiting on him. He has yet to rent out or sell his condo so it’s not like he wouldn’t have a place to go, but he’d get upset if I suggested he move back to his place for a little while.
Finally earlier this year, we had another discussion that turned into an argument after he said he thought he might be afraid of marriage. Though I felt that wasn’t the truth it still got me so upset because that would mean he’s lied to me all this time, stringing me along, even though I had said I was ok with not getting married. So we talked about just breaking up and cutting my losses.
We agreed to break up but we both felt really sad. I was heartbroken. I kind of regretted it. Though I originally would have been fine with not getting married, I realized that with him, I’d want to be married. I think the marriage would mean to me that he’s truly committed. I didn’t think I’d want to have a family with him if deep down he somehow just couldn’t commit to me or our relationship. Later that night, he said he was foolish and asked if I would take him back. He also asked me to marry him. He claimed that the so-called breakup made him realize this is what he wants and that he feels we’re soul mates. He was sweet and very sincere but I had to think about it first because I wanted to be more rational.
Anyway, that’s how we ended up getting engaged. I haven’t told anyone this story because I feel embarrassed about how it came to happen. It’s neither romantic nor ideal but we’re happy.
I hope you and your SO will work this out. I don’t recommend waiting as long as I have. Don’t accept any more excuses. Most likely whenever you accept an excuse he gives, it only buys him more time to stall until the topic comes up again. It’s an awful cycle.
I do agree with the other posters who said you should get some distance if possible. I think it will help you to be more objective in deciding what you want to do. Also as they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. I know how difficult it is to think about splitting from someone you love after all this time but if he really won’t be able to give you what you want, you have to move on for your sake. You have to ask yourself – should you set a time frame for when you should get engaged? Is January 2015 too long to wait for him to START talking about marriage? And if he stalls you again then, would it be the last straw? I think you may need to make an ultimatum of sorts here. Does he know he’s risking losing you? If he’s sincere about marrying you, he’s got to give you something more concrete than excuses or the “someday” spiel. You deserve to be with someone equally committed to you.