(Closed) Had a walk date and didn’t know it? – Has this happened to anyone? (long)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

What bothers me here is not that he seems to not be ready to marriage, but the incredibly rude and disrespectful way he’s going about telling you that fact. You should be able to have a calm and rational, adult discussion about where your life together is going and want you want without him accusing you of “ruining” anything. I would definitely take some space, go stay with your parents for a while or something, to think about if this relationship is truly a good one or if you’re just attached to the idea of marriage. After all, now you’re young and could easily start over, but if you wait years before you realize things are working, it won’t be so easy.

Post # 17
Member
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

View original reply
BallerinaBarbie:  Marriage, kids, the future, etc has always been implied. But as far as serious conversations, they never really happened.”

This is hogwash. I’m sorry. Huge life decisions like these are not implied. They are discussed and decided on. I think maybe you think they’re implied because they are things that you want. But if you have never discussed them, there’s no way to know that he wants these things too.

Post # 18
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If he isn’t ready for marriage, nothing you say will convince him to propose. The wanting it to be perfect and all that? That’s bullshit. That’s his way of trying to shut down the conversation.

Instead of trying to ask him about it, simple consider the idea of packing up and moving out. Tell him you’re still interested in being with him but right now living together without you two being on the same timeline with regards to your future is making you rethink living together. Give yourself a few days to get your stuff together, so he can see the progress and know you’re serious, and then leave.

If that doesn’t spur him into an actual adult conversation that leads to a serious discussion of where you each see yourselves in the next few years, then you need to seriously rethink wether you want to be with him at all.

Post # 19
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014 - Monponsett Inn

Reading about your situation is like déjà vu for me. I’ve been with my Fiance for 8 years and we’ve only just got engaged 5 months ago. We had talked about marriage for years now and I was worried that that was all it was ever going to amount to – talk. Whenever the subject came up, depending on his mood or the tone of the conversation, he could be sort of jokey or talk about specifics that sound like he’s making plans, but sometimes if it was serious, he could get upset and frustrated. I had asked if it was because he honestly just didn’t ever want to get married and just had trouble admitting it but he always insisted that he wanted to get married and have children – you know, someday, someday soon.

 

I had told him that it’s ok with me if he didn’t want to get married because it wasn’t something I felt I had to have, but I just need to KNOW. I would like to have children but I didn’t have to have the marriage in order to do that but he said his religious background makes him want to be married first. But months turned into years and still no proposal and same reactions to the topic. Always one excuse or another. I kept periodically feeling either hurt or angry because I wasn’t sure I could believe him anymore, wasn’t sure what the truth was, and angry also because I was worried that he will stall so long that I’ll lose my chance of having children.

 

Like you and your SO, we live together. I bought a house and he moved in 2 years ago. I started feeling that I needed space from him because I think some distance would have been good for me. I had been going back and forth internally about whether I should just break it off before he wasted any more of my time. I love him but I think I would resent him if I end up 40 yrs old and still waiting on him. He has yet to rent out or sell his condo so it’s not like he wouldn’t have a place to go, but he’d get upset if I suggested he move back to his place for a little while.

 

Finally earlier this year, we had another discussion that turned into an argument after he said he thought he might be afraid of marriage. Though I felt that wasn’t the truth it still got me so upset because that would mean he’s lied to me all this time, stringing me along, even though I had said I was ok with not getting married. So we talked about just breaking up and cutting my losses.

 

We agreed to break up but we both felt really sad. I was heartbroken. I kind of regretted it. Though I originally would have been fine with not getting married, I realized that with him, I’d want to be married. I think the marriage would mean to me that he’s truly committed. I didn’t think I’d want to have a family with him if deep down he somehow just couldn’t commit to me or our relationship. Later that night, he said he was foolish and asked if I would take him back. He also asked me to marry him. He claimed that the so-called breakup made him realize this is what he wants and that he feels we’re soul mates. He was sweet and very sincere but I had to think about it first because I wanted to be more rational.

 

Anyway, that’s how we ended up getting engaged. I haven’t told anyone this story because I feel embarrassed about how it came to happen. It’s neither romantic nor ideal but we’re happy.

 

I hope you and your SO will work this out. I don’t recommend waiting as long as I have. Don’t accept any more excuses. Most likely whenever you accept an excuse he gives, it only buys him more time to stall until the topic comes up again. It’s an awful cycle.

 

I do agree with the other posters who said you should get some distance if possible. I think it will help you to be more objective in deciding what you want to do. Also as they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. I know how difficult it is to think about splitting from someone you love after all this time but if he really won’t be able to give you what you want, you have to move on for your sake. You have to ask yourself – should you set a time frame for when you should get engaged? Is January 2015 too long to wait for him to START talking about marriage? And if he stalls you again then, would it be the last straw? I think you may need to make an ultimatum of sorts here. Does he know he’s risking losing you? If he’s sincere about marrying you, he’s got to give you something more concrete than excuses or the “someday” spiel. You deserve to be with someone equally committed to you.

Post # 22
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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BallerinaBarbie:  I think it’s actually pretty mature of both of you to take some time apart to think about the relationship.  You’re right, your groom should be fist pumping at the thought of marrying you. You obviously love him, which is why the idea of taking this time is scary to you.  But this could be what you really need to re-evaluate the relationship and see whether there is a future for you together. 

Post # 23
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

I went through the same thing. SO and I have been dating for almost 5 years. The first year we were together we would talk about getting married and I was super happy. Since I was in school during that time he made it clear that we would be engaged when I graduatated, I even did extra courses to finish early. I thought for sure it would happen, but then we decided to buy a house (the opportunity granted itself and we could not miss it) and everytime I would bring up marriage in the period of it being built, it would end up in a fight. I felt like crap and would go though really bad periods of indifference towards him, so much so I felt like leaving. Long story short, now that we are moved in and settled, done school have a great job etc. Marriage talk has resumed and I know SO is going to be buying a ring soon as our deadline is  by September. Timing is everything, and the times I was houding him for a ring were not.

Could it be that he does not want to discuss it because he does not want to get your hopes up for something he knows will not be able to occur until he is settled? 2015 is not far off my love. 

Stay with your parents and asssess if the relationship is still something you want. Your feelings are normal( indifference etc.) but again, his responses may be due to the fact that he is working on something (school) which may lead to him being able to give you a marriage/life he envisions you deserve. 

Post # 24
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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weddingmaven:  “Is he stiill in school?  Employed in a secure position?  Able to save for a ring?”  +1.  These kind of questions are so relevent.

I’m usually a fan of walking rather than waiting, but in this case, I would wait until he finished his test in January.  If it’s something big and important and really affects his career, if he’s been in school the last year or two, maybe he doesn’t feel ready to talk seriously about marriage.  I don’t think women always think in terms of “Now that I’m on a successful career path I’m ready for marriage” but I think that’s more frequent for men.  

By The Way: if you told him your relationship needed more space and that you needed to move out and he agreed, he’s lying.  Moving out sounds like a smart, healthy step for you because you can’t wait around forever, but it’s also a big rejection for him and it sounds like he would rather you stay but he’s covering that up.   

Post # 25
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014 - Monponsett Inn

Thanks Ballerina! I haven’t seen that picture on Pinterest but I know what you mean. I think we all want that. You deserve to have a guy feel that way about marrying you. I hope your SO will get to that point before it’s too late.

Yes it’d be unfair to expect him to be ready for marriage when you are, but it’s also not fair if he strings you along while you wait and wonder if it’s ever going to happen.

I don’t think it’s weird that you felt hurt when he agreed you guys need space. I felt the same when my guy was agreeable to parting ways. He later explained that he really didn’t want to break up but he felt guilty for us not getting engaged yet and possibly preventing me from having been with someone else who could’ve given me that. He said he felt selfish if he didn’t agree to breaking up. I was disappointed that he would be able to break up so easily – like maybe he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. Your head may realize that you need this space but your heart doesn’t necessarily agree. I think it hurts because deep down, it’s not really the response you wanted. You still love him and you want this to work and you want him to want to make this work but at the same time, you can’t force anything to happen on his end. I hope that by getting some space, he will figure things out.

*Hugs*

Post # 27
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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BallerinaBarbie:  I’m sorry you’re going through this.  You aren’t over reacting or being weird at all, I would feel the same way!

If I were you, I’d take some time away.  Stay with a family member or friend (or heck, Air BnB an appartment for a few weeks if you need to) and give your situation some thought.  At 27 years old and 4.5 years together he should be able to have a rational discussion with you about this.  You need to decide if you want to continue a relationship with a man who may never want to get married (may mean he has an issue with “marriage” may mean he is not willing to commit for the long term), or if you want to leave a man that you love to hopefully find someone with compatible goals.

It’s a very tough choice.  Take some space, find some ways to be good to yourself, and give yourself time to think.  That may mean long phone calls with your mom or bottles of wine with your bestie or long walks or yoga or meditation.  You are at a major fork in the road and you need to make a concious decision about the best path forward for you.

Post # 28
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I’m glad you’re taking some time to think.  I hope he gets his head out of his bum, lol. Perhaps you need an actual walk date. Seems like you are looking at some time after January. I hope it all works out!

Post # 29
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m sorry.  This is a really hard situation to be in.  I had a similar experience and it may not be what you’d like to hear, but I did get a different, much better happy ending than a proposal from my chronic engagement postponing ex.  I was 33 when it all went down so I saw the ex as my last chance for children. 

When my ex was telling me that we’d discuss marriage later or that he didn’t have a plan, I took it upon myself to give him reasons we could make it work.  If the excuse was money for a ring, I had a plan to pick up more of the household expenses in order to help fund a ring.  If the excuse was that he needed to find a better paying job, I updated his resume and helped him with pre-employment tests.

The problem became when he ran out of excuses and had to flat out tell me that he wasn’t sure if or when marriage was his thing.  Needless to say, the breakup didn’t go pleasantly from my end.  I didn’t get what I wanted (an engagement), but I got what I needed (enough anger and strength to dump him and move him out)

Fast forward 16 months from the break up date.  I’m engaged.  I never thought I would speak those words.  I’m engaged to a man who wants to be with me.  Who wants commitment.  Who decided after mere months together that I was the one and he was going to propose on the anniversary of our first date.  I met him 4 months after my break up.  We clicked immediately.  Those fabled sparks flew.  I learned what it was like to have a partner who was my best friend.  A man to whom I was just plain attracted to in every way.  

My point is, if you feel like you are settling for less than you deserve, you probably are.  Even if this man is perfect in every way, you aren’t seeing eye-to-eye on a major issue.  I promise, it will get better.

Post # 30
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m in a similar situation too – living with a guy I have been with for 4.5 years, he would be happy if we were not engaged this year, wants to wait until it ‘feels right,’ that whole shebang. I know he is not looking forward to a big, expensive wedding; he sees it as I want a big party and that our relationship won’t change just because we are married – we both know we love each other and are compatible other than when I fart in the bedroom. (Somebody please tell me he will get over that eventually?!)

We had a big fight/discussion about it a month ago. He is worried that a “wedding” won’t be enough, then I will demand some other big thing next like kids or expensive crap we don’t need, then a bigger ring, and everything will just be me, me, me, me, me… Especially as he doesnt see the wedding as essential to the marriage.

I explained my side; that I want to shout to the rooftops – or a gathered congregation of our family and friends – how much he means to me.  I know that “living together” works for a lot of people, but that I have never been particularly comfortable with the idea of shacking up before a solid commitment because then it is more likely you’ll just passively slide through a mediocre relationship because it is easier plus I feel kind of cheap, trashy and don’t respect myself for settling for anything less than that commitment; that the wedding is fun, sure, but the main goal is that “married” part and plunging in with both feet into a relationship where we are both fully entangled. The fact he is reluctant to propose makes me feel like he wants an easy escape route. I also am frustrated with him holding all the power over the seriousness of our relationship, it feels like he is silencing my say so the only power I have left is to call it quits.

Our compromise is this:  I don’t want the government to have any say in how serious we are together, and for our relationship status to tick over without us having some say on it. The first legal together-ish bit (in Canada) is on the tax year after living together 12 consecutive months at least, you are supposed to file your taxes jointly. We moved in together in October; if he has not proposed by next Hallowe’en I am moving out. 

 

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