(Closed) Had been acting distant – wow, I'm dumb!

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 16
Member
9210 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

tksjewelry:  “I was making off-the-cuff remarks about the players, not realizing it was making him feel unattractive.

My point is, I don’t see how she could not have realized that when she had just gotten in a blowout with her SO about this very thing.

Post # 17
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

Edit: yeah, nevermind. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  MrsYokiman.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  MrsYokiman.
Post # 18
Member
6385 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

TheGridMonster:  Oh, God, yes!  This very thing you’re saying!!!

Post # 19
Member
30 posts
Newbee

Thanks for sharing your story and experience, glad to hear you two got it sorted! Don’t know why everyones picking you apart or making snarky comments about your experience.. like we’re all experts at communication and they never look back at an experience and feel silly.

Post # 20
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

TheGridMonster: I mean, I think she didn’t realize it in part because her SO didn’t communicate with her directly and say “hey, it bothers me when you talk about this.” I’ve commented on attractive actors or sports players (olympic swimmers, hubba hubba) without my husband getting upset. Different people have different sensitivities and boundaries when it comes to this stuff, and context (tone of voice, engagement with SO, joking/not joking, etc.) is very important. My husband saying he finds Natalie Dormer attractive while we’re watching Game of Thrones together while cuddling on the couch isn’t gonna make me jealous. Him ignoring me in sexy underwear, refusing sex, and then pointedly calling her hot out of the blue, on the other hand? You bet I’ll be upset.    

What’s more troubling to me is that it doesn’t sound like conflict was handled well in either instance–the SO freezing her out & saying the actress was hot, which led to her melting down & him (presumably?) shutting down (when what was really needed was a frank conversation between the two about why he ignored her attempts to engage sexually & how him commenting on the actress made her feel); and the comment he made in response to her ogling the football players, which IMO was skirting the actual issue, if there was one, of him feeling self-conscious when she comments on athletes’ bodies. It seems like she read way into his comment & over-empathized with him. If he was really hurt, then he needs to learn how to communicate openly about that & start a real conversation.

ANYWAY. I think I’ve over-analyzed this to death now, time for a nap. 

Post # 21
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Studio 450

TheGridMonster:  That is exactly what her entire post is about. She felt sad about him being distant, not reacting to the sexy underwear, and saying girls on TV are hot. The next day/week/whatever they went to a party and she said something about an athlete being hot and the lightbulb went off “OMG! That is what made me upset the other night! I am just now, at this very moment, putting all the pieces of the puzzle together and realizing this!”…and then she apologized and said she only wants him. 

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