Post # 1
Last night my live-in, long term SO and I went out to a party. I’m guessing he had a bad day at work before that because he was really grumpy when I saw him. Every inconvenience at the party made him grumpier and grumpier, and he eventually got to the point where he was refusing to speak to me, and just stood by a balcony staring blankly into the party. I started to get anxous and I felt like maybe I had done something that offended him or hurt him, so I asked and he told me I didn’t do anything but he still refused to speak to me, dance with me or do anything with me.
I was feeling hurt, so a guy at the party (who we both know) asked me how I felt, and was trying to make me feel better. He wasn’t flirting with me- he was more like giving me advice on how to handle the situation. he told me I should just ignore SO, have a drink with him at the party, and let SO be by himself. I had a few drinks so I was feeling emotional, so I told the guy how much I love SO, how I sometimes think he’s too good for me and all I want is for him to be happy.
Well, when SO saw the guy hand me a drink he got mad- not jealous, but he told me I was “retardedly drunk” and shuoldn’t be drinking anything else. I turned to the guy and jokingly said, “Sorry, I’m not allowed to drink at the moment!” Then SO started screaming at me, saying that I was allowed but obviously I was too drunk to handle myself, etc. I wasn’t even that drunk- I remember all of this quite clearly! SO also claimed to be totally sober even though he had drunk a lot more than I had.
Then I finally lost it and I kept asking SO what I did to make him so angry- why was he angry at me, what did I do wrong. He refused to say anything and eventually started screaming at me again. He said “I have great hearing and I heard everything you said with that guy.” Except for the fact that the entire time I was talking about HIM and what I could do to mend our fight! I had even asked SO permission to speak with him and SO had said it was OK! I didn’t even say anything bad! When I asked him for an example of one of the “bad things” I said, he couldn’t give one. The guy friend wound up getting caught into it because I told him that my boyfriend “overheard” us saying “bad things” and I wanted him to vouch for me that we weren’t saying anything bad about him.
This morning SO apologized and so did I. But I feel so humiliated and embarrassed. I especially regret involving that other guy in the scenario, but he was definitely trying to talk to me a lot and help me, even when I told him I needed to be alone with SO. Ugh- I just need emotional support here I guess. I know I shouldn’t have been so persistent and anxious with SO but I hate his moods! Now I’m afraid SO’s friends who overheard the situation are going to tell him I’m crazy.
Post # 3
@embarrassed99: Public fights are awful 🙁 Fiance and I have a pact to sort our shit out in the privacy of our home only. I’m such a private person that I go crazy at the thought of people knowing details about my relationship and discussing it behind my back.
The important thing is that you and SO are back on speaking terms. Yeah, it sucks you involved the other guy. Maybe you can apologize to him? Did everyone hear, or just the guy you were chatting with?
My advice: women tend to overanalyse everything (and go ahead and yell at me for generalizing, but it’s true). When a guy says, “I am not mad at you, I’ve just had a shitty day” it means that he isn’t mad at you and just had a shitty day.
Take what he says at face value next time and realize that his moods aren’t always your fault! Sometimes you feel like shit, right? And it has nothing to do with SO. Imagine he kept nagging and asking what he did, why you were upset, and not understanding? Then you’d quickly become annoyed with him.
Embarassing situations have a way of fading. Soon everyone will have something/someone else to talk about. Only you will remember and while you can’t change the past, you can use what you learned to make sure it doesn’t happen again in the future 🙂
Post # 4
@BoxerLady: Thanks 🙂 Luckily, it was only that one other guy who heard, and he seemed quite relentless on getting involved for some reason. I guess he just went through a breakup and wanted to talk to a girl, even if it was just as friends? He kept trying to make me feel better even when I told him I didn’t want to involve him. Very strange- but I guess he was drunk too!
I agree that we should never fight in public. We used to have more public fights early on- I’m talking screaming, crying etc. My parents never fought and they got divorced so I don’t necessarily see our fighting as a bad thing, but we are both extremely emotional, moody and volatile- the one area in which we’re not well-suited. Luckily it’s only one thing, but we definitely need to work on it.
It’s probably my fault for provoking him so much. I have anxiety issues so this is pretty typical for me. I should have just left it alone :/
Post # 5
@embarrassed99: “I had even asked SO permission to speak with him and SO had said it was OK!
Uhhhhhhh….WHAT?! Asked permission? I am hoping this was typed incorrectly and not really what you meant. Sounds like you & SO need to have a sit-down conversation about what causes his moods & better ways to handle them. Maybe going out to a bar isn’t the best coping mechanism for him. And possibly cut down on the alcohol. My Fiance and I used to have public fights often when we first started dating and they always when we were even slightly intoxicated. You’re right, they’re SO embarassing!! It really puts a stress on the relationship too when you’re having to apologize for being a drunk idiot (even if you didn’t feel drunk, you were intoxicated) We cut down on the amount that we drink when we go out (we are still very involved in night life) but we never fight anymore when we go out. I talk to whom-ever I want, whenever I want when we go out. Heck, sometimes a guy buys me a drink & Fiance and I laugh about free drinks making it a cheap night out for us. LOL.
Post # 6
@embarrassed99: Absolutely not advocating not fighting. I always worry/wonder about couples who say, “omg we NEVER fight” because obviously someone is holding something back. No one who lives together gets along 24/7 and agrees about everything. I’d certainly never marry someone who just agreed with every word I said.
It’s just about productive *fighting* We have finally come to a place where it’s not about winning, it’s about compromising and doing what’s best for the relationship. If I’m pissed in public, he knows the look I give him, lol (the we WILL be discussing this at home face).
I wouldn’t worry about it too much – sounds like the guy was trying to be nice/supportive of the situation and I doubt he will go around gossiping about you! You are totally not at fault for asking your SO about his mood, but try to just do it once and believe the answer he gives you 🙂
Post # 7
@IUrebekah3RT: lol sorry about that- it’s not that I asked his permission, more that I wanted to make sure that talking to the guy wouldn’t make him angrier. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it, but I didn’t want SO to think I was flirting or trying to talk to the guy to irritate him further.
Post # 8
You all should have either not gone to the party or just left the party before all this happened. You both knew he was in a bad mood so him not going to the party would have been the smart choice whether you went alone or neither of you went. Always read your partner’s mood and don’t push buttons when they’re sensitive…it’s not fair to either party and it never turns out well.
Post # 9
@embarrassed99: *HUGS* Sometimes, and by that I mean almost always, booze and mad moods just aren’t great together. Good to hear you and your SO made up though.
Post # 10
@BoxerLady: Post #2 – Very wise words!! I agree completely.
Post # 11
@embarrassed99: I’m sorry this happened, I’m sorry it went down at a party but don’t let it bother you because sooner or later, this happens to everyone. If they act like it hasn’t, they’re lying, we all have had this happen and it doesn’t make anyone a bad person or mean that they’re in a bad relationship, it’s just life. And it’s a good experience for the both of you to know when the other has just had enough of the world and would be better off scrapping the evening and staying home for some take out and old movies instead.
Post # 12
gosh, sorry to read this. I hope that through a decent conversation, you and SO can come to some sort of agreement, when it comes to disagreeing, arguing, moods, etc. I completely understand how you feel. People are sometime self-absorbed, forgetting that their moods do in fact affect others. *hugs*
Post # 13
We all have nights we’d like to forget. At least you were drinking. Blame the booze, have some make-up sex, and move on. And fight in private. 🙂