- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2015
Okay, so I feel so down and just sad, but I don’t know if I am overreacting…
I’ll give some background from the day to explain… So Saturday night started off a good night. My SO and I went to a party with friends and danced the night away. We followed that with a country bar and danced some more. We love dancing country. He was being so sweet and loving. We were there with some of his family, so at one point he hugs me tight and says to me with a smile, “so everyone thinks we are gonna get married.” Before I could say anything, he started singing to me, the song that was playing at the moment, “You look so good in love.” He continues to be all sweet, and a while later teases me and says “I saw weddingbee up on your laptop earlier.” He makes a few more comments like this (can’t remember them right now). Later, we are dancing our favorite country song and then another one which was a love song. We are so happy in that moment, and I say to him as we danced, “I wish you would propose to me right now,” and he says “if i had the ring, I would propose to you right now.” This makes me smile, and I am on cloud nine. Later, we are sitting down, and he asks me if I could be perpetually engaged and never get married, would I do that. I said “no, I want to get married eventualy. that’s the point of it, right.” He nods and smiles. We are having what seems like a fabulous night. Then later, in the car ride home, I ask him why he asked me that question about being perpetually engaged. He says it’s that a lot of girls just have the fantasy of the ring and the wedding and he just wanted to make sure I wanted the actual marraige too. I said of course I want the marriage. He seemed to believe me, but seemed pensive too. Then he says, “it’s just that when you talk about getting married like it’s a for sure thing, it kinda ruins it for me.” I’m like “what?” And he explains, “yeah it seems like you are trying to rush it and have it happen. it’s like you expect it already. But I want it to happen naturally. I want to feel like ‘i can’t wait to marry this girl!'” And that was it; with just that one line, I felt my heart break. I stayed quiet the rest of the car ride home, but I could not help my thoughts. Does he not feel like “i want to marry this girl,” now??? I mean, yeah, he has always had the belief that a proposal should be a complete surprise, but ever since Decemberish, he has started telling me he looked at rings, researched different styles, researched the prices. He seems to have been more open about it lately, and now all of a sudden, he says he doesn’t want me to “expect” it. He said this is a fantasy for him too, and he feels like when I expect it, it’s like someone telling him “santa clause isn’t real.” Those were his words, exactly. When we got home, he asked what was wrong. I said I’m just hurt because he was the one who started talking about wedding/marriage today, and now he is putting it all on me and making me feel bad. I’m hurt because all this time, especially the last 2 months, I have really started to feel happy that he seems to be on the same page as me, but now, he says “I want to have the feeling that I want to marry this girl!” That was heartbreaking, and I told him. I also told him that if he doesn’t have that feeling now, after 3 years, will he ever have that feeling??? I cried, and then he seemed to feel bad, so he told me he loved me and asked me to lay with him on the sofa and he cuddled me until we fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, though, I still felt so so sad. I cried more. He said I shouldn’t listen to what he said last night because he was just drunk. i said “when you’re drunk, you tell the truth.” I was so sad and he continued to try to reassure me, but I was convinced he was just doing that because he felt bad. We kinda dropped the subject for a few hours, and then at night he told me again that he loved me and I shouldn’t worry. He said he didn’t mean that comment like it sounded and that he does want to marry me, (he said that like 8 times) but that I should just be patient. I cried and said I just worry that it will be years and years before we move to the next step, and he looks at me and says “babe, we ARE GONNA get married, and it’s NOT gonna be years!” I kinda felt better by the end of the night and with him saying that. I mean, I wasn’t on the verge of tears like I had been for the past day. I felt kind of happy.
But now today, I feel kind of sad again. Am I overthinking that comment he made? Am I taking it to heart too much?
Maybe I should stop looking at stuff on weddingbee and other sites because it reminds me of not being engaged, and that just kinda puts me on edge. I think we are much happier in our relationship when I don’t have anxious waiting thoughts on my mind all the time. Have I gone crazy? Should I chill it for a while? Or do I have a reason to worry?