Post # 1
I think I was too hopeful and positive about us having a serious talk this time… We’ve been together a bit less than 6 years, and both close to 30!
We had nice dinner and talked about our plan for a trip. Then on the way back home, he said let’s talk about what you wanted to talk about last night. In the beginning it was okay, he said he completely understands how I feel and my time line is pretty reasonable, but eventually he got defensive and brought up different things about how he never has time to look into himself and think about getting married etc. I was imagining us having a quiet talk and have a real conversation. SO told me later that he thought it was going to be uncomfortable. I was able to tell him very specific ideas about time lines and how I want things to be, but it was eventually pretty negative. It didn’t feel like he wanted the same thing at all.
I tried to remain clam, but eventually started crying(he was very defensive and got upset etc…) He wasn’t taking it very well. SO walked me home and I was still very anxious about what just happened, so he stayed a little longer. When I said that I even thought about the ring and how the wedding is going to be like etc, he was willing to listen saying “Really? what kind of ring/wedding?”, but as always I think he was being just nice to me.
He finally left and I feel crushed that I decided to bring this up. He was not ready to talk about it and I don’t think I can wait for him anymore as I want kids and getting old! I’m sitting here telling myself “let it go if you really love him!” I don’t want to give him pressure and be unhappy waiting for him. Whatever we do now I will wonder why I spend anymore time with him… I will give him time, but I think I am tired of us not moving forward.
Post # 3
@workingbee: That really stinks 🙁 I’m sorry you had such a bad night. I would wait it out a bit and let him think on it…he may see how important it is to you and have a change of heart.
Post # 4
Sorry. Each day will eventually get better and will clearly help u decide what you want to do at this point. I would give him some space for a bit of time and see where u two go from there. Wish u all the best.
Post # 5
how old are you 2? how long have you been dating?
crying in front of a guy will put him in shut down mode quick. i think i would let things cool off a bit and approach this issue with him at a later date.
try to stay rational and let him know this is a non negotiable for you, if this isnt something he wants you have to move on.
i dont know how old you are, but if youre in your late 20s-30s, definitely dont wait too long if having kids are important..
Post # 6
I would stick it out a bit longer, and give him some time to think. Crying and getting upset won’t help the situation though. If he isn’t ready, then he isn’t ready, and then you have to make the decision of staying until he is or letting him go. I think letting him go right now would be a shame, but I don’t know your whole situation.
Post # 7
Thank you everyone for the comments……! Everyone sounds so strong…
I cry a lot in general… but I was just really disappointed that we couldn’t have a nice talk, and had to be upset etc. I understand that I just have to accept it and move on whether I wait for him or not… It’s just not easy because he say stuff like “We can have a pitbull as a pet!…” as a joke (Just few hours ago). Maybe it is what it is. He’s okay being with me and thinking about future far far future, it’s not realistic to him… He just sent me a message saying “Thank you for being an adult and patient with me as always…”
I am thinking now maybe I should cancel our trip next weekend and get out of town by myself to have some time for myself. This space could be good… But of course I am not so strong. This kinda talk is a energy drainer!
Post # 8
@workingbee: If you guys have been together almost 6 years, and are both in your late 20’s, he should have figured it out by now if you are marriage material or not, IMO. I am so sorry you are going through this!! It really sucks!!
Post # 9
@workingbee: I’m so sorry darlin. This sucks.
Is there some reason he is waiting to get married, or is it just that he hasn’t thought about it? Maybe he feels like he needs to be more established first. That’s what my SO is thinking.
Post # 10
As someone who just gave up and walked recently, I wish you the best of luck. My only advice would be to make sure you can honestly say you gave it your all. That includes giving someone space to figure out what they want. Good luck, and I hope you figure it out!
Post # 11
@MariaW – I completely agree with you.
OP – Give eachother some space to figure it out, but if you can’t compromise or reach a mutually beneficial agreement, it may be time to walk. You both deserve to be with someone who wants the same things out of life.
Post # 12
@workingbee: I’m almost at 6 years, but we’re both 25, and I’m getting fed up. I can’t imagine how you feel approaching 30. I feel like he should have already been thinking about marriage, and if he isn’t ready for it now, will he ever be? Would you be okay with never getting married?
Post # 13
You’re almost 30, and you’ve been together nearly SIX YEARS.
The time to sh*t or get off the pot is nigh. What could he possibly expect to learn about you in the seventh, eighth, ninth year that would warrant continuing to take a wait-and-see approach?
I had a couple boyfriends like that. They strung me along all through my college years and most of my 20s. They wanted to hem and haw about marriage, and talk about it “later” and weren’t sure they “believed in marriage”. All after years of being with me, and knowing I wanted to eventually get married.
They both believed in marriage alright. They both married their next girlfriends within a year and a half. They just didn’t believe in marriage with ME.
Fiance was excited to ask me to marry him. He did it within a year and even moved cities to be with me. He is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and is constantly doing all the little things women complain about men not doing. He wants a family at least as badly as I do, and sometimes brings up how we will parent and what we will name our kids. But the trick was, I had to dump those other two jokers before I could meet him.
Might be something to think about.
ETA: You’re not “old.” I’m older than you are, and didn’t get engaged until I was almost 30 myself. And I wasn’t old then! If you aren’t married by 35, I’d start worrying, fertilitywise, but for now you’re fine.
Post # 14
So sorry you’re going through this. I’d honestly roll the F out. You’ve been together for 6 years and are entering your 30’s – he should know by now and at the very least be able to talk about it like adults. Cut the string that he’s pulling you along by. It won’t be easy but I have no patience for guys like this.
He either needs to commit to you or let you go because he knows he never will.
Post # 15
Sorry OP, but if this guy hasn’t figured it out in 6 years, he’s not going to. Why wait and see, when you’ve already done that for over half a decade? This guy is reaping emotional and physical benefits from you, with no intention of ever giving anything back for it. If he hasn’t even thought about it (and I am sure he has – the thought has come up and he has purposely dismissed it – you cannot approach 30 and be in a long term relationship and the thought of marriage never occurred to you) then he isn’t having any magical epiphanies soon. As an adult he should at the very least be able to have a proper conversation about it. His defensiveness show that he knows the way he has been stringing you along is wrong and has some inward guilt, but also is terrified of having to actually face the fact that he should be committing to more, because he does not want to. Stop letting this emotionally stunted man child use you.
Post # 16
edit: i didnt see your ages and length of dating stats until now. your situation was similar to mine. i was with my SO for 5 years, i walked shortly after my 29th birthday. we had alot of dead end conversations too. i would walk. 6 years was more than enough time.