- 3 months ago
As the title stated, this is going to come off as callous, critical, and generally not very disney-princess esque. But that’s who I am and I’ve accepted it.
To summarize beforehand, husband and I are expecting a baby this coming summer and I am so, so beyond excited to have our own, official family unit where I am the momma and he is the dad and that is our family… because up until that point, the head of our “family” has been husband’s mom, or rather, my dear Mother-In-Law who I have a strained relationship with. More than anything I am looking forward to starting our own family traditions and memories– especially for the holidays, specifically Christmas. My own biological family is quite fractured and spread out so when it comes to Christmas, we always always have to go to husband’s parents ohouse where his side of the family gathers to…. sit around. That’s pretty much all they do. Yeah, Mother-In-Law cooks (NOT WELL) and provides us with dinner (we also bring dishes and food to help out) but other than that it’s just sitting there and once niece and nephew pen up a few of their presents the excitement is over. I am being brutally honest when I say there is nothing special about what they do. They don’t have any family traditions beyond just showing up, eating, sitting around, and leaving. Plus they live in a different city, so we are always battling Xmas traffic to be with them. I wont go as far to knock them for wanting to be together on this family day, but like, what about ME? I’m not close to Mother-In-Law and after many years of going over there nothing ever changes or becomes fun or anything to really look forward to. Husband likes to catch up a little with his parents because they don’t hang out very often (not my fault, but when I point out that he potentially could spend quality time with them on other occassions he looks at me like I’m crazy). But again, I’m not close with the matriarch. She has never opened up to me and prefers to talk to me THROUGH my husband in general. It’s just… ugh. And yes, I’ve made an effort with her in the past. Many times. She doesn’t open up and I’m not taking it personally, I’m accepting it for what it is. So going over there every Xmas for me is an obligation, something I just do so my husband feels happy that he can see his family.
But now I’m pregnant and I’ve decided that once the baby comes I will not be going over there and doing that anymore. I want husband to open up to the idea of investing time in our new little family and starting new traditions. Like, if we want to go on holiday– we go! If we want to stay home and do whatever, then we stay home! I think its fair that his parents come to US once the baby comes, but I have a growing (and justified) hunch that this is going to be a sore issue all around. I know every marriage could benefit from counseling, and when I think of my own, I think about how my husband values his parents opinions and traditions over my own, and I come out feeling like “the bad guy” you know?
His parents are generous, overall good people– they helped us buy a house that we now live in. But they haven’t visited it even once. They never come over to our side, it’s ALWAYS we have to go to them for whatever function they are throwing– which ends up being several barbecues a year, birthdays, Thanksgiving, and XMas, OH and Easter– haha! All functions the same: sitting, doing not much. I’ve gone to dozens and dozens of these and frankly I’m not impressed, I don’t feel all that included, and I just want us to be able to do our own thing without husband resenting me or thinking that I’m like keeping him from his parents or something (again, IM NOT, they just never come and see us for whatever reason!!!!).
I’m tired or Mother-In-Law being the head of the household and having to accomodate her plans. When the baby comes, I want us to break away fromt hat (you know? like cut the cord? like adults are supposed to be able to do?) but I’m already sensing push back from my husband AND my Mother-In-Law.
Ladies, bees…. I need advice. You can tell me to chill out and stop being a bitch about it. You can share your annoying in-law stories. Or difficult marriage situations. Or family dynamics. Anything would be helpful to me right now because I’m growing more and more resentful/worried that husband will want to keep doing the same thing each Xmas when soon we will have our own little family to cultivate, and I’m going to flat-out refuse. He is aware of my strained relationship with his family but beyond that I don’t know what he has acknowledged or accepted; I’m just frustrated.
Thanks for reading.