(Closed) Half of you won’t make it….

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
7368 posts
Busy Beekeeper

This is a fabulous thread.

I think the most common reasons are money, unrealistic expectations, lack of emotional maturity, marrying the wrong person and simply not having the same core values/goals.

Money, no explanation needed.

Unrealistic expectations – as OP stated above people tend to into marriage with an  ‘idea’ of what marriage and are unprepared for the monotonous day to day grind that relationships can be. They think marriage is the magic fix to problems or that love conquers all, sounds great but it doesn’t. 

Emotional maturity – Also, many people depending on the time in their life or circumstances lack the ability to truly be emotionally intimate and available to their partners. We all are carrying a ton of baggage and sometimes we just haven’t developed the appropriate skills to really connect with our partners on the levels that they need us to. Each of us has a code i suppose of how we need to communicated to or what we consider “normal” and what helps us to feel secure in relationship. If your partner can’t tap into that then frustrations are inevitable.

I suppose above two reasons simply feed right into picking the wrong partner. Because if we had the two aligned, then you would recognize the signs that person that you have chosen isn’t right for you.

Lastly, if you guys don’t have similar CORE values or goals, then whats the point. I do believe that opposites attract but there are some basics that you both have agree on otherwise it will be recurring thorn in your relationship.

 

Post # 33
Member
6571 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

Our rabbi said he won’t marry us if he didn’t think we’d make it. He’d send us to counseling first, so we could figure things out. Luckily that wasn’t necessary.

Post # 34
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

@Aure

NO CAPS LOCK KEY ISNT BROKEN, MY SYSTEM AT WORK ONLY WORKS WITH CAPS, SO I FORGET TO TURN IT OFF.

Post # 35
Member
7368 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@Miss Tattoo: “You will fall out of love with him sometimes and sometimes you will plot to kill him, but then he will go on and have a glass of wine waiting for you after work or puts the dishes away. Sometimes there will be a towel waiting for you after you get out of the shower. It’s those little things that I appreciate and make me realize not only did I marry for love, I married for friendship, and companionship.

This is so freaking true. I tell everyone that knows us as couple. Yes I adore him but there are defntely times I wanna stab him with a butter knife. True relationships are not all lovey dovey. It really can be a seesaw of emotions.

Post # 36
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@Miss Tattoo: I love that quote 🙂

also wierd topic! I kinda wrote about this the other day. eerie.

But I think Augustine has it right- if you think all love is, is the excitement, and not the affection of companionship (the far more mundane, or even daily routine of love, as I see it), then you will quickly fall out of love with someone. But if you are rooted as one, in companionship, then it will last.

I think its the same concept when we think about it as terms of phases in love-obsession (in love)- then companionship (affection and mutual respect)- its when the attraction is lesser but the appreciation and affection for the other person has grown. Its the companionship of the relationship that keeps it together.

 

Post # 37
Member
3048 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Apparently sex and money are the two biggest issues in marriage. We all will go through hard times in marriage, but I think it’s a choice of whether you fight through it or give up (not including abuse). I’m not married yet, so I can’t give much advice. But I know that my Fiance and I have already been through a variety of different issues. Huge huge issues. If we made it through that, and fought through that… then I think we’ll make a huge effort to fight for the rest of our lives. But, if you have one spouse who gave up already… then the spouse fighting doesn’t really stand a change IMO. That determines a lot as well!

Post # 38
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

Is it bad that when my husband left, the 50% statistic kept coming up in my mind, and I kept thinking over and over, “Well, I guess if we’re on the wrong side of the 50%, that means fewer of my loved ones have to be there with us.” Terrible logic, but it just kept resurfacing.

The thing that has really stuck out for me is that you as an individual can’t control the outcome of your marriage. I wanted to go to counseling, wanted to work through the cheating, etc. but my husband wasn’t willing. All the conversations we had about it before marriage, we always agreed that we would go to counseling if things ever got bad, that we would work through everything, etc. but when push came to shove, he just quit and walked away, almost over night. I still don’t really know all of his reasons for leaving, because he won’t talk to me. He considers telling me what he thinks went wrong as “putting effort” into something he’s given up on (i.e. our marriage) – and that’s a waste of time in his mind.

(Sidenote: I ask myself all the time what happened to the person I married, because this sure isn’t him.)

I agree with amnystik that there’s really no room for selfishness in marriage – zero, none, zilch. The things people fight about? Money, sex – those things boil down to being selfish. I want to spend my money my way. I want more pleasure for me.

Oh, and we did/do not fit the statistics. No broken homes, we’re not young, we’re both well educated, we’ve had a relationship for years, etc.

Post # 39
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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@runsyellowlites: That’s really harsh and a wee bit judgemental even with your disclaimer at the bottom.

The fact is that marriages don’t end because of age. It’s actually the things RELATED to the stage of life you’re in, rather than the number itself. Money and education for example. Fact of the matter is, if you don’t have enough money at ANY age you’re going to fight. Plenty of ladies here fight over money issues, loans, etc. Money problems are the number one cause of divorce. Education has been linked to divorce because of its effects on abuse, as well as overall flexibility. The more educated a man, the less likely he will be to physically abuse his wife. True stuff.

So (in conclusion) it isn’t the mere fact that a person is under 25 that means they are selfish and their marriages destined to fail but rather what credentials that person has. I already have a bachelor’s (and going for graduate work) and have a job. Fiance is likewise educated. Are we better off than someone at 17? Sure, but it doesn’t mean they are destined to fail if they have a good support system and goals to educate themselves.

***

Sorry to vent but I despise when people start throwing around “age” as being the reason half of people won’t make it. It’s a complete fallacy and quite frankly numerous examples could be made why older brides won’t make it either. Selfish. Settling. Hoping to change the guy they are with. Oh and if you are a single female and have a PhD you are more likely to get divorced (and are older). But it’s not constantly mentioned as a reason you’re marriages will fail.

*Steps off box*

Post # 40
Member
4822 posts
Honey bee

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@Miss Tattoo: This is from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin by Louis de Bernieres… I had someone read it at my wedding.

I think another reason why divorce rate is higher now is because of less religious fanaticism, its more socially OK.  ITs not that people wouldnt have been divorced 50 years ago, but they would have been ostracized. Women would not have had the means to support themselves (no jobs, no education, completely dependent on the make income earner)

Lots of reasons.

Post # 41
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee

Had I married any one of my three loves I have had in my life up until now/FI… I would be divorced.  Guaranteed, without a shadow of a doubt.

And it didn’t matter if it was the loves of my 20’s or the one I had in my 30’s.

 

Post # 42
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I also concur that its the maturity of individuals rather than age that allocates if they will be more ripe for divorce. Though I can see the reasoning of the generational difference being tied to a more self centered outlook- if anything people maturing in these times have much much more than any generation before them.

I like to think as a 20 something I seem mature for my age, that having a hard time of it made me less entitled, and thus far more hard working. I was raised knowing that nothing comes easy, and that you have to work for what you want- no ones going to hand it to you.

I feel, in some respect, the same way about my relationship- I know its going to be hard work, and Im grateful that my SO and I concur on the fact that we are going in knowing that. I dont expect a happy marriage to fall into our laps- you need to work at it, and remember that it is worth working for.

I also get why some marriages started from a young age could fall apart- the idea of growing together is alot more hard work than most people realize. However, given everything I have been through already in the last 6 odd sum years, and knowing the trials my SO has also been through, Im confident we have enough experience in our belts to be married. However I dont think enough people really honestly assess themselves when it comes to being ready for marriage-the romantic aspect of it will go away when you think about all the practical things you need to worry about. Maybe thats whats lacking? An appreciation for the reality of marriage.

Post # 44
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

Most people don’t understand what love is and how to manifest it. And if they do have insight about the workings of love, many are not disciplined to it. Love, not just romantic “in love” kinda love, is an umbrella topic that covers. When you’re loving your spouse, you’re going to listen, understand, forgive, have patience, etc.

The world is big on promoting love and how wonderful it is, but truly, something is amiss and people are not educated as they should be. Not many people know who they are and what they’re bringing to the table. It can suck to look at yourself and honestly say “ok, I am moody, controlling, and often passive aggressive if I don’t get what I want.” Then take that knowledge further…how does it affect my spouse? When I manipulate him by passive-aggressive behavior, he shuts down and won’t talk, not that he’s just pissy and silent. I’m big on understanding why people do what they do. It helps ME from feeling hurt, and helps me to get over it. So DH is a little cross one evening…what can I do to bless him? Does he need to talk, eat something, cool off? Try and honor that. There is no room for “I me mine” in a relationship. There is room, of course, for you to be loved, honored, respected, etc. But don’t be a bully about it. Don’t expect perfection or overnight change (so often we do!). I want to see my husband TRY. Even if he falls flat on his face, his heart was in the right place.

Often times people lose sight of that. They lose the tenderness that the relationship once had. They think poorly of their spouse, allow anger, hurt, and resentment to accumulate. Relationships are like a garden – you must be constantly weeding it and nurturing it. Otherwise, weeds take over. Furthermore, a lot of people are consumed by their own feelings and hurt to the point that hurt has greater presedence than the love their spouse needs. Some men jus tell themselves they will never hit a woman, and they never do no matter how angry. Why can’t we have the mentality that we will never hurt, emotionally or physically, our spouse? Hmm.

Within every adult is a small child who simply wants to be loved, cared for, and valued. A good parent would never willingly hurt their child or set him/her up for failure. Spouses should be treated the same. One of my favorite quotes…”A person can never get too much love, but they can get enough hell in a minute to last a lifetime.” Divorce happens when too much hell is given and not enough love. You must bind yourself to a principle, perspective, and life that leaves no room for hurt; controlling your mind, emotions, and actions are of the utmost of importance.  Many folks simply cannot get over things, or they allow X to become more important than the commitment to love. You can be 20 or 60 and not understand love; be a CEO or hobo, college grad or high school drop out. It simply doesn’t matter. If your heart is there and you’re disciplined to love – and your spouse is too – you’re set. You can always control your love regardless of whatever your spouse may do. Seize that opportunity to commit to love and then stick to it. Have heart, patience, and understanding. And my goodness, if you’re with someone with a good heart, do not give up on them. People can change so very slowly! It hurts my heart when people toss their spouse aside because they failed to understand the person they married. 

Post # 46
Member
7368 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@HEB: You just droped a boat load of science up in here. **standing ovation**

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