(Closed) Half our guests declined and I feel disappointed and awful at 3 weeks out.

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I am currently having the same issues and came here to look for support because talking to people involved isn’t helping much. They keep saying to focus on the people that are coming, but it doesn’t help much when those coming are almost all from the grooms side, not my own. His side is all there to support him, but mine is not. I moved here to be closer to my grooms side of the family as they are people that we will get support from when we start building a family, and yes, it is a 12 hour drive away (1.5 hour flight) from my family and friends, but I still dont think that the cost, distance, etc is any excuse for people not to come. Seeing people make excuses for others only infuriates me more; especially when you are the person that spends the time and money to go home/travel to see them 2-3 times a year and they haven’t been out to see you. I know they can all afford it, that they do not have kids with year end things going on and I sent out invites 6 months in advance so that they could prepare for the short trip (save money, make arrangements, etc) and reserve the date well ahead of time. The girl that made the orignal post seems to have been feeling the exact same way I am and hearing “focus on the positive” over and over does not solve anything. It doesn’t change the fact that your own family and friends that you have invested a lot of your own time and money in are choosing not to be there for you on what is supposed to be “your big day”, but is now turning out to be “your not-so-big day”. We only invited 120 people thinking about 80 would actually be able to make it, but as it turns out, it is mainly only my fiance’s family that live in the area and that we get together with numerous other times of the year that are coming. It doesn’t feel like anything special or out of the ordinary…. :(. They also just decided to have a birthday party with the same people the day after our wedding! I feel like we should just run away and do it by ourselves to save ourselves the embarrassment of a lame wedding day. Those saying to “shake it off” and not to shed any tears- that is great advice, but mind telling me HOW to do that? HOW to forget the fact that you don’t get to have the nice, special day with all your family and friends that you have dreamt of for years? My only thought at this point is that I am going to need a lot of liquor to feel comfortable even getting out there to do this and would much rather run off with the love of my life to do it on our own (he doesn’t care about putting on a party for his family to watch us either…)!

Post # 48
Member
554 posts
Busy bee

@RainaMV:  I understand why you are upset. Is your immediate family planning to come? You say that you’ve made the effort to go and visit everyone. Do you speak a lot in between visits?   Have you kept them up to date with your wedding planning in any way? Have they come to your shower/engagement party/bachelorette party/etc.? I ask just to get a better sense of what’s going on. 

Post # 49
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Sorry to hear you’re feeling sad about this! Unfortunately travel can be difficult for lots of people for various reasons. You really have to try not to take it personally and just enjoy your day with the people can make it there to celebrate.

Post # 50
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

We invited 110 people to our wedding (in 3 weeks) and almost half have declined..:(

The most hurtful thing is that we have friends flying in from the US & UK for our big day, but family members (who live one hours drive away) have declined.

People who I have held in high regard since childhood have decided, for various reasons, that they cannot attend.

We both decided, when planning the wedding, that it would be for grown ups only, as we have been to quite a few weddings were it was more chldren than adults.

This immediately caused an issue with some family members who then declined our invite, followed by the rest of their family (who dont even have children) and now even the parents will be going home early, and all to take care of one child.

This thread has been repeated, where another 5 family members aren’t attending as they are needed to look after 2 children.

Even more hurtful is that one of my best friends isnt attending either, citing she has no-one to look after her child. Even though I called and invited her last year when we got engaged 🙁

My fiance has worked so hard over the years, maintaining good relationships within a strained family framework and only 2 family members turned out for his stag party!

We had considered eloping, but my fiance is close to his elderly father and wanted the wedding at home to ensure he would be there. However the stress of the entire affair is becoming increasingly difficult to take.

I have read all the threads, and completely understand (and sympathise) with all.

I am trying to be understand that people have other lives to lead, but when so many decline citing these reasons its difficult not to take it personally. How people, who we have known all our lives, cannot take 2-3 hours out of their day to attend our wedding.

Its truly heart breaking!!

We’ve read all the commenst about ‘staying positive’ etc, but its just so difficult, when people we care about don’t want to join us for our celebration 🙁 

 

Post # 50
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

People are rude and selfish, that is what this whole wedding experience has taught me.  Not only did we not get a fair number of RSVP cards back which we had to stalk down, now with the wedding 9 days away people are calling to cancel.  I wish that my fiance and I had had the small wedding that we really wanted, right now I feel like I don’t want to see anyone but him that day.

Post # 51
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

I’m having an 80 person wedding by choice.  That’s actually a lot of people!

I understand the frustration about paying for people that you won’t have.  Can the venue offer upgrades or do you have a “B list” that you can tap?

Post # 52
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

im in a similar boat – everyone is against us marrying, so much so that i have to ADVERTISE and PAY people to be my bridesmaids/attendants, and im not bothering with invites as everyone is so against it, uh…and no point in having a shower either

Post # 53
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

Sooooooo happy to find this thread…I am relieved that we weren’t the only ones in the same boat. I had no idea that less than half of the people we invited would attend. We also had several who attended either the wedding or the reception, but not both. So heartbroken, but nothing we can do about it now. It just would have been so much cheaper and lots less work to know in advance!

Post # 54
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I just want to mention that my first wedding was like this.  We had some no-shows.  I think we had somewhere in the upper 40’s.  No one danced.  I had full open bar.  Upgraded food.  Top of the line DJ.  People left early.  No one ate cake.  OMG… you name it, it was awful.  A lot of people were leaving early.  So early, in fact, that I asked the DJ to stop an hour earlier than we had paid for.  I am now engaged and wedding is next month.  We invited 126 and have 77 yes’s so far.  I expect to be in the low to mid 80s when all is said and done.  I was hoping for about 100.  I am bummed and just have terrible anxiety about this wedding being anything like the last.  I am trying to convince myself that this is a Saturday night so people will want to party.  I’m also trying to convince myself that the guest list is way different this time around and these people will want to party.  But yes… a little disappointed and anxious about what the day-of will look like.

Post # 55
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2017

So glad I found this thread; although there is no magic solution, it does make me feel better to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. I am in the same boat; not a single extended family member of mine is coming to my wedding, even though my family has traveled across the country to go to all of my cousins’ weddings and other family events (and I know $ isn’t an issue for them). Most of them didn’t even bother to RSVP, I had to chase them down. Plus, 2 of my “best” friends have declined by choice (not because they can’t afford it, have other plans, etc. – they’ve just chosen not to come). These are friends whose weddings AND bachelorette parties I traveled to (they couldn’t be bothered to come to my bachelorette either). I have been crying for days about those 2 and just feel so hurt and unappreciated, like I must not matter as much as I thought I did to them. One told me she’d “be there for me when I have kids” (um, great; and if I don’t have kids?). I guess I just needed a place to vent, so again I am so glad I found this thread. I don’t want to feel angry & resentful towards people I love & care about but it’s hard to not take it personally when people can’t be bothered to take one day out of their lives for you. I just wish people understood how hurtful it is. I am really hoping that on the day of my wedding, I won’t notice and will be able to enjoy the day.

Post # 56
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

I haven’t even sent out invites yet but I know it’s going to be the sane for me. We are going to have them set up the dance floor in the dining area to fill the space. 

Don’t worry about the cost. You were going to spend the money anyway, so you can afford it. Venue costs go down with the amount of people so it seems like you end up spending a similar amount no matter what. 

Post # 57
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

Aw that’s a shame! Sorry to hear that. Have your family given reasons as to why they can’t come? 

Post # 58
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
dmk79 :  I’m so sorry you feel let down. I’m not sure where you live, but it’s still winter here in Canada, and I would be a bit nervous about travelling a few hours with risk of a bad storm and getting stuck. 

Try to enjoy the day with the people who can come. In the long run it’s about marrying the person you want to spend your life with… not how many people are at your reception 

Post # 59
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2018

View original reply
dmk79 :  

I am in nearly the exact same boat as you. The wedding is <2 weeks away now, on Memorial Day weekend. I only have 3 relatives who will be there and fewer than half of the guests we invited are coming. The worst part is that not only did they not RSVP back, they didn’t even respond when I attempted to hound them down by FB messenger, text, etc. It is a really terrible feeling and totally dampens what was left of my excitement for a wedding.

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