Post # 1
I know I’m super-sensitive about engagment/marriage stuff at the moment because of the false alarm I had a few days ago, thinking that my SO was going to propose. So when he brought up the idea of getting married earlier tonight, I probably should have known better than to talk much about it with him for a while.
When it comes up, he usually has the same old lines that he uses to tease me. He talks about how he’ll never have enough money to buy me a ring (even though I’ve told him that I’d take a tiny diamond, or a CZ, or a moissanite, or some other gemstone… really not being picky here…), how we won’t be able to get married until 2027 because he can’t afford it until then (in the middle of the convo we had tonight, when I asked him if he had any idea of when he’d want to get married — I was looking for a “yes” or “no” — he upped it to 4027).
Other times, he’ll be serious — he doesn’t know when he wants to get married or will be able to afford it (grrrrr…. even though I’m about as cheap of a potential fiancee as someone could hope for), but he assures me completely that he does want and plans to get married to me at some point. I know he’s teasing when he says the other stuff….
… But is it too much for me to ask that he stop? Tonight, after the false alarm, it just hurt me to the core and made me think that he really doesn’t want to get married, ever, because why would he say stuff like that if he did? Part of me knows better, but… dang, it still hurts when I’m coming off that crash. I don’t want to blame him for the way that I got my own hopes up, but I want to ask him to just be straight up and serious with me and not tease, because it does make me feel insecure about his intentions. Up til now, I’ve just hid how much it hurts and tried to laugh along with him, but if he keeps doing that, I’m worried that I’ll snap at him if I don’t have a talk with him first.
Does anyone else have an SO who does/did this in your waiting period? How do you handle that with sensitivity and grace and understanding, but still manage to be clear?
Post # 3
I would tell him to stop. My husband was incessant with the teasing so much so that I was sitting at a table when we went out to eat crying because he had given me a paper ring. You just need to tell him that it hurts you and that you don’t want to be teased about it.
Post # 4
Ugh, I hate mixed signals. You know, in the process of waiting, SO planted an engagement ring book in his dresser for me to find. I was off work and we were leaving after he got home from work and he asked me to pack his things for him. Naturally I found the book, and got all excited, but hid it. So he asked me if I had found anything while packing, to which I said “no” – so he told me to go find this mysterious item in his dresser. He figured if he came home and I was all excited, he’d know I found it. Seriously, how is that funny? Come to find out he had even thought about printing a fake receipt. UGH. I was so angry. I was living with him at the time and it was about that time I realize we were not on the same page and it was time for me to move out. We’ve since worked through our problems, but it was just awful.
So I’d tell him to stop because chances are you will start building up some resentment and that is really not productive. Tell him you want to talk seriously about it at some point, to make sure you are on the same page and sharing the same plan/timeline. Best of luck!
Post # 5
I think it’s ok to ask him to stop, I mean the proprosal is something that’s very important, and can be a sensitive topic (especially if you’ve been waiting a long time and talking about it often)
Post # 6
Ask him to stop. Tell him it’s important to you and you’re sad that it can’t happen now/soon. It’s painful to be reminded and down right mean that he would tease you about. Ask him to understand that you are doing your best to be patient but that him teasing you really makes you feel awful, like it’s just a joke and you’d rather he not make fun of something so important to you.
And in order to move his schedule along a bit….MAKE A BUDGET. Seriously, budget out everything for your wedding. Price some venues, price caterers for your area, just figure out all of the money. Put a total on it. Tell him what it is. Tell him how much he needs to contribute. When my Boyfriend or Best Friend found out that our entire wedding budget is just a little more than what we spent this year going to other people’s weddings, he was shocked. He thought it would be A LOT more. I also put together a ring (white sapphire) that is big and gorgeous and costs under $2000. He was dead-set on getting me a 2-carat diamond that I’d have to wait at least three years for. I told him why I decided against a diamond and that I honestly do not want one. I don’t want to wait and I don’t want to help inflate and already over-inflated market for a gem that is completely ordinary. He understood and within a week we went from “sometime” and “i don’t know” and “when I have money” to “May, 2012.” Seriously, men are so number-oriented some times. Speak at their level and you will get much, much better results.
Post # 7
@PopRox: Oh my gosh…. I would have lost it. That’s awful! I’m glad that you both worked through it, but dang. That’s awful.
@artichokey That is a fantatic idea. It’s totally something I could do between now and the next time a wedding conversation comes up, and it would be great to have that pretty-close-to-exact figure on hand to use to “speak his language.” Wonder what other things I’m missing about the differences in how guys think/understand/communicate about this stuff and how women do it?
I feel kind of dumb for something I did last night — after I posted here, I piddled around on the internet some more before getting back in bed. SO woke up, and asked me if I was okay (since I rarely get up once I’ve gotten in bed). I actually asked him “Do you not want to get married?” and he was all confused — I explained that by saying he wanted to wait until 4027 effectively means that he just doesn’t want to, and I don’t know if he’s joking or just trying to find a “funny” way of saying no. He reassured me, and I’m hoping that the exchange might help him understand that I get confused and hurt when he teases. I did feel a lot better after I let him in on the tip of the iceberg of how it makes me feel when he gets like that.
Post # 8
@BlueRidgeMere: I think men are, for the most part, systematic. “If this happens, then this can/will happen, and then the next thing can/will happen, and so on, etc.” They often have a series of events that they believe should/must be followed and that’s just how things are done. Example: “finsih school. get job. earn a lot. save for six months. buy a ring. get married.” My SO graduates in 2012. What if it takes a year to get a job? What if it he gets one right away? Either way with planing and saving, I’d be at least 32 before we got married. I’m 27 right now. I put the kabosh on that plan and told him, “it’s a lot more important to me that we do this sooner rather than bigger and better.”
Don’t feel bad about what you said. Everyone once and a while men need to hear just how ugly their actions make us feel. I had a big, long, awful convo with my SO a few months ago where he said, “I don’t want to get married right now, stop trying to twist my arm.” Ouch! I told him, “Look you, jerk, I’m not asking about right now! I want to know when we’re going to get engaged! I told you I need 18 months for plannng (DW) and you graduate in 22 months. I want to know if that’s going to happen.” He had absolutely no realization of how soon that actually was. I also told him I don’t want to wait to make it this a giant ordeal. We’ve already lived together for 3.5 years and I couldn’t help but thinking, ‘what’s the point in getting married at all since it won’t change anything?’
Afterwards I felt like I’d said some really pushy, mean things. It turns out though, it opened his eyes. He was comletely unaware of how I was feeling and he was just trundling ahead, worrying about his homework and what to eat for lunch. Once he realized how much he was hurting me, things got much, much better. The good news is, despite his arm-twisting comment, he does want to get married and have kids and he wants to give me that before I’m 30. He just ‘hadn’t thought about it’ and didn’t think it would work financially. In my situation, SO is very focused on one thing and until you hit him over the head with it, he may just keep trundling along, blissfully unaware of the pain he’s causing.
I’m glad you told you SO how you felt and I think you should definitely make up that budget. If he teases you about it again, just give him a serious face and say, “I thought I told you how your teasing makes me feel? Why would you continue you to do that? Please stop.”
Post # 9
I’m glad you told him how you felt. And I agree that it’s perfectly OK to ask him to stop the teasing…you wouldn’t be the first Bee who’s had to put her foot down about that.