(Closed) Hanging out alone with the opposite sex at their apartment or house?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What's your opinion on this? Choose all that apply.

    It's inappropriate under any circumstances.

    It's inappropriate only if the two in question have had sex before.

    It's ok regardless of the previous nature of the friendship.

    It's ok here and there but shouldn't be a regular thing with the same person.

    It's ok only if both parties are in a relationship.

    If you trust your partner, you should be ok with any scenario.

    It's not ok to hangout alone w/ the opposite sex anywhere, esp at their house or apt.

    I would break up with my spouse if they did that.

    I wouldn't break up with them but it sure as hell wouldn't happen again.

  • Post # 2
    Member
    5474 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    You have way too many poll options, but basically men and women can be friends so your scenario isn’t particularly inappropriate unless there is something specific making you  think it isn’t innocent.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1189 posts
    Bumble bee

    What if the person “of the opposite sex” is gay? What if they’re 70 years old? What if they’re asexual? What if they simply aren’t into your spouse and are legitimately friends? I think it’s pretty clear that these situations are complex and need to be considered on a case-by-case basis. But the “people of the opposite sex shouldn’t be friends/can’t be just friends” thing is hogwash. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    539 posts
    Busy bee

    for the most part, no, not ok with it.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1012 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    Is there anything that makes you think there is cause for concern? If they had the same relationship with a same sex friend, would it bother you? 

    I feel that either a relationship is appropriate or it isn’t. If your SO is attracted to the person then they shouldn’t be friends. If the person has feelings for your SO then they shouldn’t be friends because that is cruel on your SO’s part. Outside of that I don’t have a problem. 

    I can see the argument for if they have been involved in the past. But imo, you either *currently* have attraction to somoene or you don’t, and that’s what matters. My fiance is friends with one of his ex’s and it doesn’t bother me. They haven’t hung out alone because she has a husband and a toddler, but idgaf because what they are is friends. But I can see the other side of this one. 

    As far as just they are the wrong gender, I see no reason to tell your SO that they can’t be friends- which includes hanging out- with someone because I don’t like that person’s gender. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    88 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    This is something my husband and I have talked about a lot. It ultimately depends on the scenario and situation. I 100% believe men and women can be “just friends”, many of my best friends when I was younger were completely platonic male friends. However, I do think boundaries need to be set when you are in a relationship, especially a marriage. This is just my opinion so take from it what you will.

    I would be fine for example if my husband were to meet up with an old female friend of his for a catch up, however it would feel weird if he wanted to go hang out alone in her house and specifically excluded me from the catch-up. And even though I know my male friends very well and have spent time at their house or my house alone in the past, now that I’m married it would feel inappropriate to be in such an intimate setting alone.

    But again it depends on the circumstance really. (which is why my husband and I have had hours worth of interesting conversations about this topic lol).

    Personally my feelings about it would change if it were a new friend that was made in the timeframe you 2 have been together. So mostly I’m cool with us meeting up with old friends (preferably in public places) alone, but if it was a relatively new friend I would find it inappropriate if that makes sense… because with one scenario there’s a history that doesn’t include the spouse, and in the new one there isn’t, and it doesn’t really make sense to exclude the spouse. I know many people are different but my hubby and I love our social circles to mix so to me it would be pretty weird if he suddenly had one friend he didn’t want me to get to know.

    Having said that, yes my opinion would change if there had been a sexual history between them. For me personally, I’ve had male friends that I’ve never had any sort of feelings for, and would feel quite comfortable hanging out with alone for hours (and I’ve known them for over a decade). However I have had one or two that I had some serious feelings for in the past, and while I might say hi and have a quick catch up in passing, I would never let myself be alone with them. I love my husband to bits, but to me it’s just not worth the risk that some old feelings would crop up with another and risk jeopardizing the happiness I have with my husband. I think we all believe we are invincible, but that’s how emotional or physical affairs can happen. Because I love and respect my spouse and want our relationship to be strong, I definitely do guard myself against such things. Sorry I’m rambling, it’s a tricky topic to really be clear on.

    It would be easier to give an opinion though if we knew a bit more about your specific scenario, since as I said, it super depends on the situation. 🙂

    Post # 7
    Member
    2320 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    Why do you ask?

    And what has their home got to do with it? There are many other places to be intimate or cheat..

    To me it’s such a case by case basis that this poll makes no sense

    Post # 8
    Member
    9388 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    while dating DH I have had 3 separate male housemates. so I’m glad he doesn’t mind that I hang out with men in their or my home alone….

    it’d be very hypocritical if I didn’t trust him just as much.

    now, if the way he behaved with a specific woman gave me a bad feeling, thatd be different. e.g. when I read women post about how their spouses are texting their coworkers at all hours and talking about how great they are… yeah, then i would probably be pretty upset if I found out he went to hang out at her apartment for a few hours..

    Post # 9
    Member
    5 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    View original reply
    saccarabird :  totally agree with this. And maybe this is taking it one step further, but the whole timeframe thing rings true. Childhood friends are special, and platonic, close, relationships definitely exist. 

    I do think, however, that it can be extremely difficult for men and women to be very good/best friends (assuming that we’re talking about people who only consider a couple of people to be best friends and not people who are best friends with everyone) when the friendship starts in adult life. I consider my SO my best friend, and it would be hard for me to imagine another man that I confide in and talk about difficult things with. Also, I’ve found that many times, one person usually has feelings for the other when it’s a relationship that has started in adult life. Can lead to very awkward situations! 

    Post # 10
    Member
    120 posts
    Blushing bee

    Before I started dating my fiance, I had an interview in another state. I had a male acquaintance living in that city, and he offered to let me stay with him while I was in town for the interview. I was pretty broke, so I was thrilled to save a few hundred dollars on a hotel. After I had made the arrangements but before the trip, I started dating my now-fiance. When we had the monogamous “talk” I told him about my trip and explained that it was purely platonic. I was nervous telling him, but he was totally cool with it because he trusts me. That felt so great. I went on the trip, male friend and I slept in completely separate rooms, and nothing unprofessional happened whatsoever. 

    My fiance also has a lot of female friends. Some from his youth, some are exes that didn’t work out. I have an anxious personality so sometimes I worry a little, but mostly I trust him and it’s always been fine. He will spend time with his friends with me around too, and so I can tell that there are no sparks or romantic chemistry left and that’s reassuring. I’m okay with them hanging out alone, either at someone’s house or in public. He trusts me, the least I can do is trust him back. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    251 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    View original reply
    countingstars :  I wouldn’t be ok with my DH spending time alone with a woman at her house/apartment. Outside of the women in his family, there would be no valid reason why he should be hanging out one on one at a woman’s place. 

    And if he’s had a sexual past with said woman? Hell to the muthafuckin no. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    919 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I don’t see an issue with it in general. If they’re hanging out at night to drink together or something, that’s a different story. I’d be skeevy about that. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    11153 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    countingstars :  

    Is it really necessary?

    Post # 14
    Member
    1260 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    This is a battleground in our house.

    Fiance is very black or white that there is never any reason to see another man at their house, or to get drinks without at least a female friend in tow.

    I am super laid back. I only get mad if I feel purposefully left out or kept waiting with plans.

    Post # 15
    Member
    7628 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    DeniseSecunda :  THIS!

    I’m curious if bees that say this is inappropriate in all circumstances would say the same thing if the question was about their SO hanging out with a gay friend of the same sex at home one on one. Or what if your partner is bisexual. Are they not allowed to hang out with anyone one on one?

    View original reply
    countingstars :  I think this depends on the scenario. Does the SO take the time to talk this out? Or just completely disregard their partner’s feelings? How long ago was the sexual relationship? Does it seem like the friend has bad intentions?

    DH now doesn’t have any close female friends (that aren’t my friends) but in college he did. One of them he dated a few years prior and broke up with on amicable terms. She enjoyed cooking and would frequently invite us over for dinner. I usually had to decline due to my job but after an initial conversation where he assured me there were no residual feelings, I had no issue with him going. Same for me hanging out with my male friends,  we would have a quick conversation about it but I doubt we would have continued dating if he had major issues with me hanging out one on one with the opposite sex.

    ETA: I agree with the poster above me as well (Dana). Our plans are usually open for the other to join us. If I was specifically not invited and they hung out A LOT maybe I would feel differently. But an occasional move or something in a genre I would not enjoy? No issues.

    The topic ‘Hanging out alone with the opposite sex at their apartment or house?’ is closed to new replies.

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