(Closed) Happiness…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Well are you adults? That is the bottom line. Of course if your parents are paying or your college tution, they have something to hold over your heads but there is always finacial aid…

Post # 5
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2009

how old are you guys if you dont mind me asking?

Post # 7
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2009

When my fiance and I first got together my parents were very against it. They thought I was too young for a boyfriend and wanted me to focus on school and sports. I got in many crying fights with them because I knew he was going to be the one for me and they were trying to destroy that. The bottom line is there is no way my parents could have kept me from being with him, or even marrying him someday. When it came down to it, I knew what was best for me. He is an incredible guy and lovingly pushes me to do everything with passion and effort. He was not going to keep me from growing up, we were going to do it together and help eachother. I knew this but my parents didn’t. Parents have their childs best interest in mind, however, they don’t know EVERYTHING lol. Bottom line, you have to do what you know is right, even if that means angering your famalies. If I had listened to my parents I would not be engaged to the man of my dreams today. Yes you are young, but that is ok if you guys are right for eachother. When people inquire about our age I simply tell them, you know about those cute old couples that celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary? well that is going to be us some day. 60 years later and love eachother even more than the day they married. Just follow your heart and go into this knowing it is going to take work. Every relashionship/ marriage takes alot of work but that is normal and is well worth it, no matter how old you are. Just give your parents some time, even if that means pushing off marriage for a few months/years. You are young so a few months/years would not be major, even though it may feel like it lol. My only recommendation would be to wait until you both can support yourselves financially, no support form your family.

By the way, my parents now love my finace as if he were their own son. <3

Post # 8
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I think the reason why your parents are like that is because they have so many dreams for the both of you. They are paying for your school, maybe you still live with them so basically they are supporting you still. Don’t worry too much about getting married, for me, 20 is still young. What’s the rush anyway? If I were you, I will focus on my studies first. Prove your parents that your relationship will not have a bad effect on your schooling. FInish your course and don’t worry too much. If they saw that you’re doing good in everything, they will eventually approve your relationship with him, thus making everyone happy.

Post # 9
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Ok this may come out harsh but I have a neice your age who is more like my baby sister on some days and my daughter on others. If she came to me with this and she sorta did with a guy we did not approve of for good reason, I would set her straight and I feel your parents are trying to do the same. I’m sorry, you sounded like me when I was 20 but girl there is so much to learn about love and life and yes I feel you are too young. Your other post kind of contradicts things bc now your saying it was his mom sabatoging things but you flat out said you had gut feelings about things and you weren’t sure. You guys are not adults. You’re afraid of leaving bc you don’t want to lose the portion your parents pay? If you want to be an adult you guys need to step out on your own and try to live togethor. I really don’t feel 6 months is long enough and I know u said you wanted a 2 year engagement but why? Why not just enjoy this time dating, really getting to know each other and if it is meant to be it will happen. One thing I promise is you will regret losing family and friends over a guy. Your parents are looking out for you as they should. And I’m sorry I’m old fashioned in away. If your living under their roof and they are supporting you, you need to respect that. If you think your an adult and want to live life as you please you need to move on. But in all seriousness I know this was harsh but you are too young and you both need to find out who you are before getting married.

Post # 10
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

@Bear9206, I was trying to make my comment lighter and not too straightforward but what you said is exactly what I was trying to say. I totally agree with everything you said.

Post # 12
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Wow, do you mind my asking what school you go to? It sounds a little like Liberty or Pensacola.

I’ll give you a little background before I start in… my husband and I met at a conservative Christian (ring-by-spring) college in 2005. I was 18, he was 22. By October, we were very much "twitterpated" and went to our parents asking permission to date. They said no, not yet. Well, we pretty much did date (without going on dates, just hanging out CONSTANTLY and exclusively) until Thanksgiving/Christmas time when our parents gave their consent. We made the decision in March 2006 to transfer to a different Christian school, and made tentative plans to marry in June 2007. We got to the new place, which was a lot more restrictive in its policies. We had to make the effort to be aboveboard in the way we interacted physically, because we were always in public. At the same time, the new school offered my husband a deal that if he lived in the dorms for the rest of college (no married housing), they would handle his tuition. So we made the decision to put off marriage until graduation, which occurred in December 2008.

So there are some similarities in our situations, I think. Our roadblocks to marriage were circumstances, yours are more family oriented. What I’d like to share with you from our experience is that we feel our marriage is that much richer and better for the waiting we did and the excellent counselling we received in the waiting period. We also have SO much less to worry about with only my student loans coming due now. If we had married quickly, we would have struggled with going to school while married, having more expenses/loans to pay off, and not having as solid of a base in our relationship. Honestly, the first 6 months to a year of any relationship is the lovey-dovey phase — sure there are problems, we had LOTS of fights our first year. But if you changed who you were or did things you wouldn’t do normally for a relationship, it starts to wear off. You can’t keep it up and you revert back to everyday people instead of fairytale lovers.

So I’d say, within reason and working with your unique situation, consider letting your challenges and delays rub some of that newly-in-love sheen off. Take advantage of your parents willingness to pay for school as long as you can, and realize that you can’t have it all… even if they wanted you to get married sooner, I think it’s somewhat childish to expect them to continue paying for the education of a married child — you make that new family and everything they choose to give to you from that point on is a gift, not an obligation or duty.

As to your school, I feel you on that. Keep your chin up and know that what you do is best for your relationship. We got a lot of pressure ourselves, in school and from other Christian resources (don’t read Boundless webzine if you hate get married now pressure) that good Christians get married after knowing each other for a year. Anything after that is obviously temptation to sin. We actually had a school administrator speculate to my husband on what we were doing in private if I put my head on his shoulder in church! Don’t give anyone reason to doubt you (ie, don’t move in together), and when people ask you can always give them the pat little "We feel it’s God’s will for us to move slowly in our relationship" or "Jacob worked for Rachel for seven years." 🙂

Sorry to write a book, but I’ve been there and I know it’s tough. Hang in there!

 

Post # 14
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Oh yeah is it tough. I cried and fought and dreamed and hoped the entire time we were waiting that somehow we could move it up. You can do it!! It looks so long now, but once you get through it it doesn’t seem long at all. <<hugs>>

Edit: The summers are always the worst. We were apart every summer too. Are either of you into computer games at all? My husband and I got involved in a no-monthly-payment MMORPG and had "date nights" on that when we were apart. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it all better or to help you see it from the perspective I have now, having come through the waiting. Feel free to PM me if you want any more advice.

Post # 15
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

If you and your fiance love each other why not wait?  Although 2 years may seem long now, in the scope of your life 2 years will be speck.  In that time both of you can finish your educations, and start planning a wedding.  Whether small or big, but it would be yours to plan.  Losing the financial support and emotional support of your parents is tough.  However, if you wait it out they can get to know your SO better and learn to respect and maybe even learn to love him, same goes for your SO and his family. 

If you feel as though you cannot wait, why not reach out your family’s pastor, alone.  Explain your situation, ask if he can speak to your parents about respecting you and your wishes now that you are an adult.  Even if you aren’t as religious as you once were this can help bridge that relationship with your parents and your SO.

Good luck with everything.

Post # 16
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

First of all, I am so sorry that you are dealing with these problems. You say that both sets of parents are toxic, and it seems as though they are really controlling. Please remember that this is YOUR life and you need to make decisions that will make YOU happy. If you two want to be together, you should be. I would hold off on getting engaged because in all reality, six months of dating is not very long… but if you two love each other, then you can and will make it work. Figure out what your priorities are. I know your parents are paying for your college and you are at a Chrisitan school. Is this really what you want? Can you change schools and find away to support yourself? Lots of people work and get their degrees at the same time. I know it’s tough to make hard decisions and you don’t want your parents angry at you, but at the same time I think it’s totally unreasonable to expect your college-age children not to date. It’s your life and you are an adult!

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