(Closed) Happy & Engaged But Having Doubts

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@FoodieBride14:  I am sorry you are feeling this way. I cannot say I have been in your situation and unfortunately only you can make the judgment call on this relationship. Have you been in relationships prior to this one where you may have felt differently? Some people may never have that “this is the one!” moment, just like not everyone cries when they find “the one” wedding dress. I will say that I have never felt this way about my fiance, but I dated many guys before him to know that he is the man for me.

Post # 4
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Makena Cove

I think it’s a pretty normal feeling to have some feelings of doubt once the high of engagement dies down. I think it’s been a good think you’ve realized this and postponed the wedding for a year. Take some time and just be engaged. Live in the moment with your Fiance and stop voicing your doubts to your friends and family, they are less likely to jump back on the marriage bandwagon when you two get gung ho into planning again. Best of luck!

Post # 6
2278 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

I don’t hear any red flags here. Doubts are perfectly normal. And some people are more rational thinkers while others are more emotional. The fact that you say you’re happy and would be devastated if you split is good, even if you know that at some point you would heal and move on. Blinding, consuming passion is short lived and volatile. You need to be friends as well as romantically attached or it probably won’t last long. These are questions I asked myself that really helped me move past a lot of my doubts. 

What specifically are you concerned about?

Are these your fears or someone else’s fears?

Do you mutually respect each other? 

Do you trust your partner?

when you fight, do you fight productively awhile retaining respect?

Are you sexually attracted to your partner?

Do you agree on issues you consider important?

If you want kids, would he be a good dad?

Do you have good money spending/saving styles?

Do you have complimentary or similar love languages? (Saying I love you, doing their chores, buying gifts, doing thoughtful things, etc… these are all different styles)

Post # 7
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If you are a logical person, it makes sense to realize life would go on without this person. Knowing that actually indicates a much healthier relationship than someone who literally cannot imagine life without them. I know if something happened to me and FH, I would cry for a long time, let myself have some rebounds and “me” time, but eventually someday get over it. It means that you have self-worth. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your FH or shouldn’t marry him.

Post # 8
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yikes – there are a ton of hormones involved that can cause you to feel all kinds of idiocy for “NOT THE ONE” including “the one” feelings – sweety choose with your heart and your brain. If its all one or the other something isn’t right.

Lol watch some Jane Austen – Sense and Sensibility (it’s my personal favorite)

Post # 10
32 posts
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think a counselor might be a good place to go and check.  Some people don’t believe they deserve goodness for whatever reason.  When they find themselves in a great relationship they’ll sabotage or run away because they don’t feel worthy.

However, sometimes, when your gut is saying this doesn’t feel right, it may be flagging something deep inside you just don’t want to see.

If I felt as though I could leave my fiancee and I would be okay down the road I would be second guessing a marriage too.  Either you’re really resiliant or you know there’s something else out there that could be better.

Post # 11
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think questioning is normal and healthy.  I have more moments of absolutely KNOWING he is the one.  But I can get so mad and angry at him and have all sorts of questioning thoughts about things.  In those moments I often think that it’s just the transition to being legally bound to someone who is wonderful but imperfect, it can be a bit stressful! 

However, if I did not 99.9% of the time have the safe “he’s the one” feeling I have, I would definitely want to talk to a professional, there’s no way to describe how that feels but it’s important to feel so very right when marrying someone.  A professional can help you get to the root of what may cause your concerns or lack of “the one” feeling.  It’s so important to dig deep to analyze feelings.  Fiance and I both have psych degrees so we always analyze our frustrations and search for the root… it’s very helpful.

Good Luck

Post # 12
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@FoodieBride14:  I am so sorry you are going through this.  Unfortunatley marriage it a tricky thing. 

It is almost a guarentee that you will get cold feet.  And sometimes while 2 people are engaged that they realize that they are not meant to spend the rest of their lives together. And it can get tricky trying to distinguish between the two.

Now if you are doing any wedding planning in a bad mood then it is most likely that you are not going to like anything.  I know I can’t do anything when I am in a bad mood because I just will automatically pick out all the negative about it and ignore all the positive.  Now there is a good chance that your dad took it as that you are thinking that you shouldnt get married, when that probably wasn’t the case at all.  And then your dad got you thinking in overdrive that maybe you really shouldn’t marry the guy.  And then finally you talk to your friends about your possible doubts and they just naturally agree with you rather than try to make you think clearly.  And what I mean by that for example, is when I am mad at my husband and I talk to my mom about it she will tell me what a jerk he can be and she would even find something about him that bugs her.  And then I forgive my husband and my mom loves him so much again.  So your friends just might be going with your mood.

What you need to do is get your dad and your friends thoughts out of your head because it is clouding your judgement.  Think about the relationship that you have with your SO.  Are you happy? Can you see yourself still happy and in love with him 10 or 20 years down the road?  What are the traits that you want in your husband? Does he have those traits? If you answered yes to all these questions then you just have your typical cold feet and you don’t have anything to worry about.

Now try to imagine what life would be like for you if you left him.  Don’t think about how he will feel, just think about you.  Are you happy?  Do you think that there is someone out there that is better for you?  Would you regret leaving him? If you answered yes to the first two and no to the last one then you really shouldn’t be with your SO and it is time to move one.

Only you can decide what is best for you. Good luck and I hope this helps (HUGS)

Post # 13
4 posts

I have zero advice, but I look forward to any further answers because I’m in the same boat!

Post # 15
2875 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
@FoodieBride14:  I wouldn’t sacrifice what you have – It sounds like you might be looking for infatuation and that can disappear one day and then there is nothing left. Years ago, I was completely infatuated with someone, had decided he was the one and I was absolutely wrong. He ended up making my life miserable for years before we broke up but the first year was great.

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