Post # 1
I’m writing this under my google-paranoia WB name, sort of just to vent, but also for others to share similar experiences.
I of course love my Darling Husband and have no regrets marrying him and we have a great relationship etc, etc… but I moved to a different country to be with him.
Previously I moved around a lot so I thought I was great at making adjustments, but I’ve lived here for over a year now and… I’m unhappy. There was no big culture shock coming here, and I’ve attmpted to find my own niche going out dancing and joining other social groups, but I can’t seem to make strong connections (friendships) with anyone new. Part of it is time commitment…. If I started hanging out with new people more often than I already do I wouldn’t get to spend much time with Darling Husband as he has his own independent activities, and there is of course the awkwardness of making new male friends (which I previously had many of) which Darling Husband doesn’t disapprove of, but probably wouldn’t be thrilled about.
If I hadn’t moved out here, I would have my own rythm to life, friends that I was close to – including male friends I would visit with on my own, but that life is now thousands of miles away. Since moving here, most of my good friends (childhood friends, college friends…) have slowly stopped returning email contact, and new friendships do not build to any kind of closeness… which is why I have to come to the hive to share these feelings.
I honestly don’t know why my life here hasn’t blossomed, aside from living in a bigger city (less approachable?) and having the immediate influence of DH’s settled life here. I don’t doubt that it would be just as hard for him if he moved to where I was living.
I’ve been frustrated with having had to choose one life over another…. my friends, my community vs. my Darling Husband. I feel like I’ve lost (or am losing) many meaningful friendships and probably cry on a weekly basis because its so frustrating that it has to be one way or the other. I love my Darling Husband but there are so many other people I also love and care for that it makes me sometimes wish I could wake up somewhere else. DH knows I’m depressed about missing my friends, but its even harder that he’s the only person I can talk to about it.
I am not really looking for suggestions (but if you have them, by all means) but thought maybe others might have stories to share.
Thanks for reading.
Post # 3
I know exactly what you mean. I’m in a very similar position.
I moved to the Middle East five years ago with the plan to stay one year. After a year finished, I decided to stick around for another year–just to make a bit more money.
At the end of that year I meant my Fiance. I love my Fi. Absolutely. But I miss home and it really isn’t much of an option to move home.
I now live in a country without drinking or pork. With limited activities, except shopping, and where I don’t really like the attitude in the country (laziness runs rampant). Here, I’m lucky if a friend I make stays for three years. Most people are gone after two.
It’s frustrating and hard. I would love nothing more than to move back to Canada. But it’s just not an option.
Like you, I had to choose. I chose my Fi, but every once in a while I just stop and wonder…what if I never met him? Where would I be?
A lot of other people won’t really understand that sort of thought–but I have a feeling that you will.
Post # 4
@Kewii Yes I most definately understand. I wish it were possible to live multiple lives similtaniously…. or there were teleportation machines…. Seriously.
Post # 5
I, too, am in a similar situation. I came to Haiti to teach English for a year and ended up falling in love with and marrying my language tutor. I love him so much, but I miss the States. I don’t speak the language fluently, so friendships are limited. There are lots of people who are friendly with me, but I really only have one close friend, and she’s my mom’s age. I can’t tell you how much I miss game nights with my friends. Maybe when my husband is finished with school in June we’ll have more of a social life. But I’m not holding my breath since he is a homebody and never wants people to come over to our house.
I don’t have a bad life. I just wish somethings were different.
This is definitely not the life I imagined for myself, that’s for sure.
Post # 6
I have found that I never had close close friends since college was over. I moved to a different state, and I found acquaintences whom i go to lunch with, have a few drinks with, chat with, but nothing that makes me think that these people are my die-hard friends. I think as you age, people begin having their own lives, and are less focused on creating a strong friendship bond. Do you have any couples that you guys both can hang out with? That would be the avenue I would persue, rather than looking for individual friends.
Post # 7
I am in a similar situation. 1 week after getting married I moved to the UK with my Darling Husband from NYC. I had been in NYC for 5 years and had lots of good friendships there.
Now I am having a hard time finding my “place” here.
I have joined a horseback riding club and have met lots of nice women through that, but I definitely still run across the issue of trying to make new friends/hang out with the friends I’m making and spend enough quality time with Darling Husband.
I would suggest trying to go on “double dates” with some of the connections you have made or bring your Darling Husband along to any co-ed events so you can combine friend making time with Darling Husband time.
Also, I would recommend reading “SWF Seeking BFF”. It is the story of a woman who moves to another city to be with her Darling Husband and her yearlong quest to make/find friends in her new city (while balancing her newlywed life).
I’m almost finished with the book and it has given me a lot as insight as well as help me understand that my feelings are valid and I’m not the only one in the world who is feeling this way or has problems with making friends in a new area.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or just to commiserate.
Hang in there, I know it’s not easy.
Post # 8
@ AirForceWife78 Yes we have many couple-friends we see on a regular basis, and I understand what you’re saying… college is the time for going out and meeting new people because everyone is new, and afterwards people move on with their lives, but I guess for me its more so that I’ve left so many close friends, dance communities and personal interests (location-related) behind. And now I don’t feel the same love-of-life.
Post # 9
I’m so happy to find others bees in a similar situation as me (though I wish we were all closer so we could be eachother’s friends).
I moved cross-country straight out of college to be with SO. He and I went to college together but he graduated a year before I did and got a job out here, so he had already been living here. At his job he met a lot of other young men to be friends/friendly with and had a life pretty settled by the time I moved out here.
When I moved, I gave up all of my friends, my personal and professional contacts, and a lot of job prospects because I am now in a highly competitive job market with no contacts, a degree from a state school without a real alumni network out here, and no professional work experience. I have been looking for work but unemployed since moving here and while he financially supports me, he can’t understand why I am unhappy because as he sees it, not having to work seems pretty easy to him.
However, when you have no friends, no job after working steadily from the time you were 14, are hesitant to spend money because we are living on one income in an incredibly expensive city, and he needs space/down time when he gets home from a 14-hour work day, the days seem very long. And lonely.
It’s especially frustrating becaus everything has worked out so easily/seamlessly for him (he works hard for what he achieves, but dream internship turns into dream job in dream city where he makes friends through job and then gets dream promotion right away)… He can’t really understand why it isn’t working out for me.
Sigh. Sorry this was so long but we can’t afford therapy and you bees seemed like you’d understand 😉
Post # 10
I just want to add, I think it is really important for both you and your Darling Husband to have your own friends as well as your “couple” friends.
Just make sure to talk with your Darling Husband and see how many nights a week it’s ok for you to have “friend” nights rather than husband nights.
I try to see friends at least 1 night (or one weekend day) a week but always make sure it is ok with Darling Husband first.
As much as you will want to spend time together because you are newlyweds, it is also really important to continue to be your own people and foster your other relationships.
Also, as for losing touch with your old friends, rather than just e-mailing, schedule a phone date. Set aside an hour or 2 on a weeknight or weekend just to gab and catch up.
I had a phone date with one of my bridesmaids last night and I felt just SO much better afterwards because I had a really good gab fest/catch up with one of my closest girlfriends.