Post # 1
My parents are splitting up after 30 years of marriage. It’s going to be a drawn out process unfortunately, thankfully at the moment it is amicable.
I’ve known there have been difficulties for a few years, but it’s kind of escalated this week and I think that although they’re trying couples counselling, they’ve reached the point of no return.
I find myself questioning my life, my future. I don’t doubt my relationship with my OH specifically, but I am looking at everything, if that makes sense. He is being brilliant and I know that he will be my rock through this. I now have a better understanding of my OH’s reluctance to get married. I knew it was never about me, and that he did/does want to be with me forever, it’s just that he doesn’t believe that people actually stay together forever. I too now have that belief-shaken-to-the-core feeling.
I think it would help me to hear from Bees whose parents separated when they were adults, that are happy in their relationships, who still plan to or went on to get married. How did you cope with it? Did you go through the same process of questioning everything?
Post # 2
BeeDD: My parents had a nasty, nasty divorce when I was 17. I’m in a happy engagement now and we’re getting married in October next year.
I have no doubts in my mind that my partner is my life long one. I learned a lot from my parents divorce – from each side. Maybe that’s something you can take into account and learn from their mistakes?
What I mean is this; my mom didn’t like how my dad was unrealistic about his desire to find a job that wasn’t any lower that a VP or CEO position. He went unemployed for 4 years while she worked her ass off at two jobs. When an opportunity came up for him that would give myself and my two sisters a free college education, he turned it down because it wasn’t high-up enough for him. So, what I took from that is if my partner ever had these “dreams” of being high up on the corporate ladder when clearly he couldn’t start that high with a reputable company, to have a serious talk about it and find another solution. Not support his family for four years and let the hatred fester inside.
From my dad; my mom was really dramatic and emotional in simple things that she didn’t have to be. For instance, when my sister was a teenager she told my mom, “I hate you.” My mom cried over that for WEEKS and couldn’t cope with her daughter hating her. Well, he didn’t like that she couldn’t just accept that she was being a teenager and didn’t really mean it. So, what I took from that is to be level headed in emotional cases that will eventually blow over so that my spouse doesn’t get irritated with my episodes.
It’s things like that I learned from such a horrible divorce-instead of fearing my own relationship, I take lessons from theirs and how to better handle their situations if they were ever to become my own. My mom never protected her finances in her divorce and didn’t have a college education to get a well-paying job after being a Stay-At-Home Mom for 20 years. When she finally started working, she had to work two jobs to pay the bills. I promised myself not to get married until I have a college education and several years of experience. I also won’t be a stay at home mom.
Things like that can give you a really hopeful future for your marriage.
Post # 3
My parents are on their way to getting divorced. Their relationship hasn’t been happy since I was around 14/15 though, so I have had some time to process it. I actually don’t get along with my father either and we haven’t spoken since I was 18.
I’m not concerned about my relationship with my Fiance because it is just that MY relationship. You and him have control of it. I wouldn’t dwell on the possibility that something, at some point might go wrong. If you’re happy and he’s happy I think that’s all that matters!
I’m sorry this is going to be tough on you. You’ll be okay, just remember that you aren’t your parents and their relationship is in no way a prediction of yours.
Post # 4
Yup! Your post could have been written by me. My parents got separated when I was in college 3-4 years ago when I was 19 and still haven’t finalized the divorce process and I’m not sure if/when they plan to.
My mom was not happy and instigated the process. It was very very hard to see them go through it, seeing my mom so unhappy and my dad heartbroken. I kind of had a feeling it was coming though. We’ve finally just kind of setlled into this new normal now years later, splitting time, them being in the same room for holidays, etc. and for their credit, they really did try to make it easy on us by trying to be amicable. Being the oldest child and really the only one either of them could talk to though, I got more details of the conflicts between them than I probably should have, and got the most questions from other family members. But at least I could be there for my parents individually.
My FIs parents (according to my FI) have had their share of problems as well, even though they are still together. Neither was exactly the picture perfect ideal of a healthy marriage. I can say for my parents at least, my mom has talked about *why* they decided to get married in the first place, and this actually strengthens the faith I have in our relationship (FI and I). They got married and had me super young, belonged to the same church so kind of felt pressured (at least on my moms side) to stay together even though there were inklings of uncertainty and unhappiness early on. My dad worked too hard and my mom spent too much money. My mom would complain about my dad working too much, and my dad complained he had to to support our (at the time my mom AND I, I was raised this way and was just as guilty, have since become much more frugal as a result) spending habits.
Anyone, long story short, knowing where our parents went wrong per se gives us a whole different kind of wisdom, almost more valuable than wisdom from the perfect couple. We know we are getting married for the right reasons and aren’t entering into a marriage under the influence of societal pressures. We both have similar values that might create a rift between other couples; we both are super career driven, are somewhat frugal but still want to enjoy life, and agree on the major things like religion, timing for kids, pets, housing situation, etc. We bring out the best in each other, and it’s sad to say that most of the time we just don’t see that in our parents. Of course, only the test of time will tell, but we feel like we almost have a leg up knowing what can lead to disaster.
Post # 5
- Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull
I know you said adults, but I didn’t see that bit until after I’d written this and I can’t delete it haha. I will still share though, although I was young it affected me a lot.
My parents divorced when I was 5. It was UGLY. My Dad came over to our house after the divorce and trashed the garden, ruining my play set and my (now Step-Dad)’s clothes which were drying on the line. He also rammed his car into the garage doors and broke them. My Dad, as you can probably gather, is a **** (you can be creative with that one, they all apply!)
However, it’s never really affected me in my relationships. My Fiance is more like my Step-Dad than my birth Dad and the only lasting issue I have is that I really struggle to tell the truth. I grew up being forced to lie to my Dad and it had lasting issues. My Fiance is understanding though and can usually tell if I’m not being 100% honest and calls me out on it.
I love my Fiance dearly and know we can go the distance – we’re so alike and we’re able to put up with each other even though we live AND work together 🙂
Post # 6
my parents divorced when i was in high school. i was very anti-men for a long time. Darling Husband also comes from a divorced household. but i honestly think we are stronger for it. we saw our parents mistakes and we know not to do those same things. and we learned how to have a better marriage because of it.
Post # 7
justinsgirl2016: ads2016: tjacob2014: stephisaur: ajillity81: Thank you all. I can see how I would be able to learn from it, I don’t feel ready to start considering that now though.
I think that even though I knew things have been rocky for a few years, now that something is actually happening about it I am in shock because I always thought they’d work it out. It’s probably too soon to expect myself to come to terms with it I guess.
Post # 8
You’re all very brave. My parents divorced when I was about 3, never saw him again but it’s all good.
I’m always amazed when people say they will stay together until the kids are older. Adults react much worse than very young children do to divorce…. purely anecdotal, I’m just going on the reactions of quite a few friends who have been utterly devastated by their parents decision to divorce once the kids reached 18/21/25/whatever. Whereas those of us who were super-young don’t even remember it being any different.
Post # 9
My parents seperated when I was on my honeymoon. I’d only got married in the first place to get away from them – I was only 21 and my Catholic mother had brainwashed me into thinking that marriage was the only acceptable reason for a girl to leave home. In the phone call I got informing me that they had split, my mother also revealed that they had in fact lived together for 6 months and that she 2 months pregnant with my older brother when they got married.
My marriage didn’t stand a chance after that. I left after 2 years and was divorced at 24.
Post # 10
daffodils: Baal: Thanks ladies.
I am pleased to report that I am feeling a lot more level today, I think this may be a journey of ups and downs.
My “escape plan” to go off for a few hours with OH tomorrow has fallen through but I think less pressure (we’re hosting my grandparents for dinner tomorrow) on cleaning and rushing back for a certain time is probably not a bad thing.
Post # 11
My parents had a bad divorce when I was young. I didn’t take it well when I was young, but as I got older I really appreciated that they were divorced. I now have an amazing step father who I am grateful for. My sister is considerably younger than I am and my mom has divorced her 2nd husband (my stepdad) and my sister seriously does not give a hoot. But this divorce very civil and my mom and stepdad get along like very good friends.
My mom’s divorce from my own father was great for me. It showed me that getting pregnant and married under 20 isn’t the best idea. She was one of my motivations to make sure I didn’t have children until after I was established. Also, seeing my mother’s 2nd marriage helped me to see what a healthy relationship could look like. They were married for over a decade before deciding to divorce. It’s helped me to choose a better partner. Overall, my parents divorce was beneficial to everyone but my father (but that’s another story in itself).