- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014 - Disney
I was a little confused as to where to post this in babies or wellness but chose babies since the whole point is babies.
To start off my husband and I were never completely sure if we’d try for a baby. I have a child from a prior marriage, and he has none. I love my kid but she’s 10 almost 11, and my husband just turned 43 so we hemmed and hawed over maybe having an infant wasnt the best idea. To add to this issue further I am high risk for pregnancy since carrying my daughter didnt go smoothly. I also have to be pulled from a number of medications months before considering a pregnancy putting myself at further risk, this was something my husband was a little uncertain of.
To top things off I carried a double copy of the main marker for celiac disease which made me feel guilty for any child I have in the future. This double marker means my children will get atleast one mark towards the disorder creating a 20% chance of getting the disorder up to 90% if they get 2 :(.
Well earlier this week we got an answer to our prayers and the final nail in the should we try to make a baby in 18 months coffin. After years of being treated for a rare form of arthritis associated with the celiac we’d been talking to 2 prestigious hospitals to take my case since my doctor had run out of options he was comfortable with. Luckily I wont have to go to either because we found out a close someone in my family had been hiding a Psoriasis diagnosis. Which is why some skin problems that mysteriously diseappeared about 3 years ago when I was started on chemo for my arthritis was psoriasis no the lotion miracle I thought it was. Put that together it means we found out yes I had the first type of arthritis but I also had psoriatic arthritis. Psoriasis is genetic turns out I have a line of people with it I am the 3rd, and 2nd confirmed case. It has a 25-40% transfer rate but considering the pattern we see the dermatologist told me 40%.
Joy hit with the diagnosis, as well as anger, and now depression. Joy that I dont have to travel to find an answer. Joy because I am being straight lined to a real hope of a treatment that could help me greatly. This would allow me to continue running and possibly do that ironman I dream of. Anger because I allowed myself to think I had really bad dry skin. Anger because I did not associate the skin issues disappearing to the drug but rather to lotion despite having tried so many before. Anger because someone hid the dirty truth that could have ended this sooner. Depression because after the euphoria blew over and the new appointments are now in place to start the new protocol I see my chances of another pregnancy are gone.
My heart breaks because though we always leaned towards no there was always hope that I could carry another child. However knowing I have 2 full blown autoimmune conditions and carry for atleast 2 others makes me feel genetically inferior and completely guilty at the thought of playing russian roullette with the life of an unborn child. It makes me worry for the one I already have too. I cant change that for her, I can only watch her like a hawk and give her the knowledge to watch herself. I had 2 of them run me into the ground because no one knew enough for it to be stopped. I refuse to let that be her, she will get treatment much earlier than I have.
Bees have any of you been through this? I know this will be a mourning proccess. I always thought this decision would be made on our own terms not by yet another failure of my genetic code. I just refuse to conceive a child knowing the risks I have to give them. I’m handling this the best I can I’ve had my cry and I’m trying to let the hope of a better future for me and inturn my family pull me through this dark moment. I know if I cant let it go to talk to a professional but I think I need to let this have time to settle first since its so fresh.