(Closed) Hard Choices

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

i’m sorry to hear about your situation…

i’m useless at advice so all i can say is hang in there and this just leaves you open for someone else who may be better suited for you??

at any rate – im sorry about your situation and just believe that you will be ok after this!

 

Post # 5
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I am so sorry.  I am sure that his family has their reasons; it is a common belief that people with more in common culturally have a better success rate with marriage, although I think that has been disproven in many, many cases.  Also, it seems (from your earlier posts) as if they don’t want him to live so very far away from them.

And while I know this is very hard, you should think about one thing… the choice to marry has to be an agreement to choose your spouse above all others.  Hopefully the idea of having to choose between your spouse and your parents never comes up.  But the two of you have to support each other, even against your immediate family.  In my case, this comes up because my FI’s sister doesn’t think he should marry me, and showed it by being pretty unpleasant to me.  He had to tell her that if she couldn’t treat me with respect and courtesy, she was no longer welcome to visit – and he told his mom as well that if his sister couldn’t act reasonably, we (and his kids) would only visit her when the sister was not going to be there (so – no more family holidays until sis behaves, or mom also tells sis to stay away.  And his kids are the only grandkids…)  I know that was really hard for my Fiance.  His mom cried.

It takes a serious level of maturity and commitment to stand up to your family as an adult – and to relate to them adult-to-adult, rather than as a child.  I am sure that your former Fiance is a great guy, but if he isn’t mature enough and/or committed enough to your relationship to stand up to his family, he isn’t ready to be married.  It is too bad that his family is so controlling, but it is also too bad that he plays into their hands by allowing himself to be manipulated by them.  And really, you deserve better than that.  You deserve someone who will choose you above all others, and for whom being with you will be more important than not rocking the boat with his family (because likely that’s all it would be – some serious but short-term unpleasantness – and once they saw that he was serious and they couldn’t manipulate him they would come arouns).  And you will definately find a man who loves you enough to stand up to his mother, his brothers, his evil sister… and stand beside you like an adult.

Post # 7
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

I’m so sorry that really sucks- but it happens in my culture too- parents feel really strongly – really strongly! about their kids marrying within the culture and/or arranging marriages

I wish your sake that your former Fiance would have told his parents before he anticipated proposing to save you a lot of pain.

My experience with these things is that parents get their way every time unless the guy/girl really puts their foot down and cus off family – It seems like this is not your case. . .

Again, I’m sorry 

Post # 8
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Ummmm, well.  Standing up to your parents is not just telling them what you want to do – it is also following through with it. If your former Fiance was really willing to "stand up" to his parents he would get on a plane and come back.  It’s pretty easy for parents to threaten you if they are sure you will cave and do what they want.

I left home at 17 and hardly spoke to them for almost seven years – because they couldn’t respect my right to make my own choices as an adult.  We now have a great relationship; I live right around the corner from them.  My mom is a really good friend; Fiance and I go bicycling and to hockey games with my dad.  My sister has a very different relationship with them – at 33, they still treat her very much like a child, and spend endless amounts of energy telling her how to conduct her life and criticizing her choices.  If I had never stood up to them, by which I mean not just telling them what I meant to do but showing them that I would follow through regardless, I know we would not have the relationship of mutual respect that we have today.  Loving and respecting your parents does not mean allowing them to make your choices for you. 

I know that this is really hard for you. But you will be better off with a man whose parents can lovingly accept you, or a man who is not quite so much tied to his mother’s apron strings, or (best of all worlds) both.

Post # 9
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Me too, I hope your pain will get easier to deal with over time, perhaps they’ll come around when they see their son miserable without you…  My parents too were impossible when it came to who i dated, first guy I went out with was Filipino and they were totally against that!  Eventually though, I picked them over him, i couldn’t bear the thought of them being unhappy.  Years passed and I refused to date anyone, period…for a long period of time!  My parents got worried and more than wanting for me to find a Vietnamese guy, they didn’t want me to live alone for the rest of my life, cuz it looked like I was going at this my way or no way. 

When I met my current fiance who happens to be Mexican and fell for him, they weren’t all too happy at first, but they came around and gave me their blessing and abandoning their plans for me.  We went through a lot of trials and tribulations to get to where we are now, but parents do change, your former fiance needs to try harder to show them how he feels about you.  What changed my parents was getting them to realize that they’re not going to forever be by my side to protect me, make me happy and tell me who i can be with and not.

I hate to say this, but there’s not much you can do in this situation.  It will only make it more difficult for your guy.  Sometimes to love someone is to set him/her free and hope for the best.  Good luck and I hope they have a change of heart!

Post # 10
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

My friend is Indian and dating a guy her dad does not approve of (the guy is Indian, but does not meet her dad’s standard for her).  They have been together for 2 1/2 years.  Any time my friend tries to talk to her dad about her boyfriend, he refuses to discuss it.  He has gone over a month not talking to her at all because of it.  She loves her boyfriend and they want to get married, but I think in the end, if she cannot win her dad over, she will end up breaking up with her boyfriend.  Basically, she is taking it step by step and working on slowly winning her dad over – she thinks her mom may be okay if she can convince her dad.  She won’t get engaged until he at least agrees not to disown her -and she is hoping her boyfriend will stay around in the mean time.

Maybe when your ex-fiance’s parents see how upset he is without you, they will slowly change their minds, but I wouldn’t count on it.  Sorry.

Post # 12
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

I’m so sorry to hear about this.  My feelings echo Suzanno’s.  I feel that he is choosing his family’s love over yours (even though it was a very painful decision).  If he chooses you, his family will disown him.  At least he can still choose to love them despite the pain they are causing him.  But by not choosing you, he’s letting you go.  My heart aches for you and your ex.  You are both suffering. 

Post # 13
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I can tell that you love him very much, and that you are really upset.  I am also sure that his parents aren’t trying to control his choices because they want him to be miserable – they are doing it because they think they know what is best for him, and what will make him happiest in the long run. 

It takes a lot of strength to not only tell but show your parents that they cannot make your decisions for you.  But, as lanny also knows (and as I know too) threats made in anger as an effort to control your kids are often not the final word.  It is possible live your own life, even one not in accord with your parents wishes, and to eventually have a much less disfunctional relationship with them as a result of all that pain.  And I do think that to have a really good relationship with your parents, they have to acknowledge that you are an adult and have the right to make your own decisions, whether they agree with them or not.

What I don’t think is possible is for you to have much influence here.  It is ultimately your ex-FI’s decision, and it sounds as though he has made it.  Maybe he will rethink things – maybe he will figure out that he loves and misses you, and that the relationship the two of you had is worth going through some pain where his family is concerned.  Maybe not.  Either way, I know we all feel for you and wish you the best.

Post # 15
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I really wish I had more I could do then just say that I am really sorry!

((((HUGS!))))

I really am so sorry to hear about this. Hang in there hun 

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