Hard Time of Year for Life Changes, Feeling Down.

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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sparklebee19 :  I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this, many hugs to you. You are YOUNG, it doesn’t feel like it but you are and you have time to find the love of your life and create a family. I started over at 36, my ex left (I wasn’t married) and literally 2 days later felt relieved bc he wasn’t the person for me. I married at 38 and got pregnant on accident a few months before our wedding, oops! What I can say is that moving forward please keep your eyes open and don’t get stuck with another man like this. Also, please slap the friend that suggested brining a baby into this relationship!

Post # 3
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

There will always be some holiday or birthday or work thing or someone else’s party or wedding.  To me it seems more weird and awful to pretend through Christmas that everything is fine and then proceed with the divorce.  It’s only the tenth, two weeks until Christmas, might as well make this Christmas the start of your new life.

Post # 4
Member
259 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry bee, that must be a tough place to be in.  But honestly, i’m 28 too and it doesn’t seem young to us, but it is.  I think you have plenty of time to start over and it seems you have made up your mind that you want out of the marriage.  It really doesn’t sound like he is going to change much and forever is a long time to deal with this.  Have you talked to him about your concerns and if so, has he done anything to change his behaviors?

Post # 5
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Im sorry, but your friend is a fucking idiot. 

A baby stresses the most healthy marriages. A child is not a bandaid for a bad relationship, and should not be born into the role of fixing an adult’s problems.

Post # 7
Member
4767 posts
Honey bee

One suggested having a baby as that would force him to grow up.

If you don’t ditch that friend, then I highly suggest making her Christmas present a muzzle.  Never, ever listen to that friend.  Never.  That friend gives horrible and, quite honestly, mind-boggling stupid advice.  Babies aren’t bandaids.  Babies aren’t magic.  Babies don’t make people who don’t want to change suddenly change.  You never ever have a baby hoping it will fix what is wrong.

 

There will never be a good time to do it.  It will always suck.  I’ve honestly never understood why the holidays seem to be this sacred thing that people who want to break up wait to be over, instead living a sham for several weeks.  I don’t think that is necessary.  If nothing else, I think it’s more cruel to give people hope and play pretend so that when it does happen they question everything and wonder if everything was a lie.

As for everything else, you’re catastrophizing it.  Will it suck?  For sure.  But people find love at all ages.  People have kids well into their 30s and early 40s.  People make friends at any age as long as you’re open to finding friends (and for the record, your friends don’t have to live your life and aren’t going to leave you because you divorce…and any “friend” who would do that isn’t a person worth having in your life in the first place under any circumstances, even if you stayed with your husband).  People literally pick up and start over all the fucking time and not only survive, but thrive.  I know 38 year olds starting med school. 60 year olds starting law school. 40 year old widowers starting online dating. 30 year olds packing up and moving to the other side of the world just to have the experience.  53 year olds starting brand new jobs after getting laid off at jobs they’ve worked at since their 20s.  75 year olds getting married.  

Yes, ending a marriage is a loss to be grieved, but it’s not the loss of everything unless you choose for it to be.  It can be scary because it means you’re fully in control and therefore fully to blame if it doesn’t turn out the way you want, instead of being able to blame a shitty partner for why things aren’t they way you want.  But with great risks can also come great rewards. 

Post # 10
Member
1871 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

 I’ve trawled through your recent threads about your marriage and I think it’s clear.

You’ve done everything you can, over the course of 2019. At some point you have to stand back and have the guts to follow through.

If I say to you, from reading all your threads, that your husband is a selfish immature loser, does a small part of you want to disagree with that statement?

Your marriage sounds like a prison. If you stay I pity you. And in eyes, that’s the most devastating thing someone can say to me, as it implies a weakness through choice, ill-befitting of a woman in 2019.

Post # 11
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

So… Did you ask him for a divorce 4 months ago? Have you spoken to a lawyer about the option of keeping the house and if you’d have to pay your ex alimony (as you say he will probably want)? 

Post # 13
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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sparklebee19 :  oh my goodness what a loser. Well the 300 a month for 18mths is worth getting rid of this freeloader.

Post # 15
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
sparklebee19 :  youre not an idiot, don’t say that about yourself- ever. Some people grow and while others never do, fail to use their potential and then just being their partner down. He’s lucky he had a basement to go to. That’s not your problem.

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