Hard Time of Year for Life Changes, Feeling Down.

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Just one question, do you still love the guy?

And if you can’t stomach leaving him before Christmas then perhaps use the next few times to get your ducks lined up and sort out the logistics of separating.

Post # 17
Member
10109 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
sparklebee19 :  

Ugh.  Being with someone who doesn’t *get* you is horrid.  Feeling trapped is horrid.  Being with a partner who doesn’t even understand, let alone appreciate, the best parts of you is slow death.

I so know the feeling of ‘trapped’.  I used to cry in the bathroom.  The reality is, unless there are weapons involved, you are not trapped.  It just *feels* that way.

Depression is inevitable.  Your self esteem is being chipped away.  It doesn’t make him terrible or wrong.  Just too different.

What kind of idiots are you talking to?  A BABY?  Dear gawd.  I’m sure there are worse ideas and when I think of one, I’ll post it.

He can’t suddenly wake up tomorrow and *get* you.  Sometimes two people are just wired differently.

There is zero chance that you will meet someone who does get you by remaining tied to your boat anchor.  The clock is ticking, and every day that passes is a day further away from your dream of a loving husband and family, Bee.

Post # 18
Hostess
4572 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
sparklebee19 :  I am so sorry bee.  I have actually had friends starting divorces three years in a row around the holidays.  It sucks, but it has been the best thing for them.  You shouldn’t feel like you have to suffer through an unhappy holiday season out of guilt – he’s an adult, he’ll have to figure it out.  Sending you strength during this hard time.  Oh, and 28 isn’t old!  I’m only two years older than you, but I had several friends meet and marry their wonderful husbands in that time.  You sound like a smart, successful, and considerate woman – you are a catch, and the right man will notice that! 

Post # 19
Member
3877 posts
Honey bee

The longer you wait to rip off the bandaid, the longer it will be before you are recovered and getting yourself out there. His responses to you about money and the guilt trips really do sound more like that of a child than a spouse. It’s not your problem, bee, he made his choices. It sounds like you have a whole lot to offer to someone who is worthy!

Post # 20
Member
9443 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If your friends drop you because you get divorced they are shit people you don’t need in your life anyway.

You’re only 28. You’re being a tad over dramatic claiming you’ll never have kids because it might take to long to find someone or whatever. 28 is young.

You are at a crossroads here. You can choose permanent misery in a miserable marriage or you can choose some temporary pain that sets you free to find happiness. Personally, I think life is to short to just be miserable and complain about it. I’d start taking actions to make your life the way you want it, that’s going to mean calling a divorce lawyer.

Post # 21
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

i let other people convince me to stay married to my man-child ex husband.  And i had a baby with him.  And you know what?  4 years after that baby was born we divorced, and now i’m co-parenting with the man-child until she’s 18 (6.5 years left!).  He isn’t a BAD person, he’s just a selfish, immature, socially stunted, child.  AND he’s had to do a lot of growing up since we divorced.  

 

Get out now, or you’ll be divorced later regardless.  I can almost guarantee it.  

Post # 22
Member
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My ex husband walked out on me and our daughter 3 weeks before Christmas one year. Did it suck? Sure. But there is no sense in pretending over the holidays. It doesn’t do anyone any favors. I was about to turn 30 when my ex left. I remarried at 33 and had two more daughters (in addition to my oldest) since then. Seriously, get the ball rolling on your new life. It any more hesitation will just be wasting your own time.

Post # 24
Member
5700 posts
Bee Keeper

Oy, who’s the brainiac who told you to have a child in order to repair your marriage? Be sure never to listen to anything she says – ever.

There is no good time to tell someone you want a divorce. It’s all equally bad. My advice is to do it now, dont delay. And you’re not an idiot, you simply made a mistake. We all have. 

As a young, healthy non-disabled man without children he’s not going to be awarded much alimony. The court will laugh at his expectation to continue his standard of living. Get a good lawyer and get it done.

Post # 25
Member
10109 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
sparklebee19 :  

Yeah, I found that I had to start i.v. Ketamine therapy to pull myself out and find the will to set the wheels in motion.  Plain ‘ol ADs just weren’t going to do it anymore.

Post # 26
Member
10109 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
sunburn :  

Yup.  It depends on where OP lives, but a young, able bodied male actually seeking spousal support is shame proof. How humiliated does he want to be?

One visit with a divorce lawyer will quash his little fantasies.

In most of the US, alimony is reserved for long term marriages ~10 years.  In the interest of fairness the court can order (assuming the parties don’t settle on their own, the more likely outcome) an equalization payment to the lower earning spouse, or *temporary*, eg six months, maintenance payments to give the low earner time to get on their feet.

That’s his best case scenario.  

 

Post # 27
Member
259 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
sparklebee19 :  Wow, yeah that is a very tough place to be in, it sounds like he is just not sure of himself at all and needs you to tell him what to do, when to do it, etc.  That would drive me insane, so i don’t blame you.  Was he the same way before you married him?  If so, were you just thinking he would mature or something?  I could never handle this and feel like (hopefully) i would recognize these red flags before marrying him.  

But still, you are better off leaving, you are clearly never going to be happy or satisfied in this marriage and instead of wasting precious time, i’d be done.  good luck bee, sorry you are going through this!

Post # 28
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
sparklebee19 :  Husband was adamant on selling the house and not allowing me to buy him out. And then he was also asking for alimony as he claims he’s used to the lifestyle I’ve provided. We didn’t get much further than that because I felt so hurt. It felt like he saw me as a paycheck…

You have your answer – he sees you as a paycheck and as someone to stick his dick into when he isn’t too busy playing his videogames.  If you dare to change the status quo, he wants to punish you.

Post # 30
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee

You may want to take some time to discuss your game plan with an attorney. Seasoned divorce attorneys have seen it all. Find one you feel comfortable with and discuss next steps before discussing anything specific with your husband.  

ETA: with the holidays around the corner, some attorneys are booked/on vacation and cannot always fit you in right away. I wouldn’t hastily sign on with an attorney bc you’re in a hurry to end things since you are the breadwinner here. Gotta be strategic to protect yourself and your assets as best you can.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors