Post # 1
Where do I even begin?..
It all started when I was SEVEN, just SEVEN. I grew up watching my mother with her eating disorder and she gave me one too. I was restricted on what I ate, what I did and how I dressed. Everything I did wasn’t good enough, was always wrong and it still is to this day. I am 24 and everytime I visit my “family” I get the “you’re so fat, stop eating so much, you eat too much sugar, how much do you weigh, etc” I was in and out of hospitals since I was in elementary school. I saw a therapist for 5 years throughout high school. I am not even remotely fat, I have a pooch on my stomach, OMG! BIG DEAL. I used to weigh 86 pounds, even in high school. After I graduated I weighed in at 110-115 and I am now at 125-130. I know I am not fat, I’m not super fit either, but I am happy with where I am now and what I’ve become. I overcame the disorder, but the little jabs at my looks, kill me inside.
No, I am not a model, but who is? I’m not hideous or ugly. I am me. This Christmas was the worst of all. I had a small plate of food and my father belts out “don’t eat so much, you’re already too fat, you should only eat fat free foods.” They offered another family member cookies and I was told to try one, I declined and again I heard the comment “don’t give _____ any, she’s already too fat” This went on all night and all I could do was hold back the tears. I’m still holding back the tears. It’s like I’m not allowed to be happy with myself. I am who I am today because of what they made me and continue to make me to be. It’s like I can’t get away from it.
I move away from them, they guilt trip me and I go back to visit only to be harshly judged again. My sister and brother are the golden children, they can do no wrong. Never have I once heard my parents ever call them “fat” and they aren’t. My brother is tall and athletic and my sister is short and very thin, then there is me – average. I’ve spent my entire child hood/high school years working out, eating right/not eating and I stayed thin for years, even well out of HS. My metabolism isn’t what it used to be, but whose is? Sure I can work on getting toned/fit but right now I’d like to live comfortably in my 20’s not giving a shit because all I did for the last 15 years was being someone else’s doll.
My parent’s know that I feel this way and yet they don’t stop their comments. The trips to and from the hospital doesn’t faze them and nobody ever talks about that. I’m just so sick of being someone’s punching bag and I’m so sick of feeling like shit all the time. Just let me be who I am. If I want to sit in front of the TV and do nothing all day, please, let me. I didn’t do it for 15 years because I was out perfecting myself for other people.
I need a break.
Post # 3
@tiedtogetherwithasmile: You know, usually I’m a big advocate of trying to patch things up with family members. But not this time. What they are doing is detrimental to your emotional and physical health, especially given your past history of eating disorders.
Personally, I would give them an ultimatum; shut the f*#! up about your eating habits or else you’re gone and won’t come back. Then follow through. Move away from them, change your phone number and email address, and do not respond to any attempt to contact you except to say that you don’t want a relationship and will file a harassment with police if they don’t stop.
Of course, this will only work if you’re financially stable and independent enough to make it work. Do you have any close friends or other family members that you trust and will support your decisions? If so, you may want to talk with them and see what they think.
Remember that you are a beautiful person who is more than deserving of love and support. If your family won’t help you heal and grow healthy then they need to get out of your life, at least for the present.
Post # 4
Wow, Im really sorry. This doesnt sound healthy at all. Honestly, if it were me (and I truely do not say this lightly) I would have to cut them from my life completely… 🙁
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center
I’m so very sorry. It’s hard being bullied and judged by the ones who are supposed to give you the most support and unconditional love. I would say that it’s a very good idea to limit the interactions that they have with you. I’m big on families doing everything they can to work on their problems, but it doesn’t sound like they care that they are constantly belittling you and hurting you. Eventually all you can do is remove yourself from that poison. You can’t force them to change, but you can remove yourself from the position of having to listen to it.
When the relationship is that toxic, the best thing you can do for yourself is to just end it. Hopefully they will realie that what htye have been doing is not okay and will try to make up for it. It sounds like they have a lot of personal issues and insecurities they need to work on, but it’s easier to just take it out on you instead. You deserve a family that will be supportive and kind and if they cannot offer that, then you need to just make a new family of yourself, your SO, and those who are actually supportive and loving.
Post # 6
@LoggerHead91207: I agree with this. OP: Your family is toxic for you, you deserve better treatment than that.
Post # 7
I am so sorry you’re going through this.
If I were in your shoes I would tell them that they need to quit with the weight and food remarks. You’re an adult and you will eat, dress, and do whatever you want. You will not put up with it anymore and if they say anything else you will not be participating in family events or functions. If you choose to take my advice it is vital that you fulfill your threat. If they do say something mean to you, you need to distance yourself and make it clear WHY you’re doing so.
I know it’s hard to get away from family, because you love them, but you also love yourself. You need to do what’s best for your self esteem. This is a slippery path to go down, especially considering you had eating problems before due to them. Good luck! <3
Post # 8
Here is what I learned coming from a not so great family history, and being the adult I am now. For your sanity, you need to decide what you can and can not handle, and to not feel guilty about it.
There are no rules that say you must listen to your mom and dad, you are an adult now and can make your own decisions and you don’t have to put up with anything from anybody.
They are adults and they should know better, however they refuse to, or won’t change. It’s up to you now to take the step to not let them abuse you any longer. See them on your terms, which may be never, or only by phone. It will be hard, it is, when you realize to let go of that child who was hurt by them, and to realize your an adult that has to be able to take care of thier own needs first. It may get better if you have a child someday, and you may gain the strength to stay away from them for the sake of your own childrens well being, but for now, do what’s right for you and don’t feel ashamed or guilty one little. bit. What they say to you is unhealthy and abusive and you do not need to put up with it any longer. good luck, love.
Post # 9
@tiedtogetherwithasmile: Ignoring them is the worst thing you can do. So do that to the max! Don’t let it affect you. Brush it off your shoulder. Be the bigger person and hopefully it will help you come to some peace.
This is exactly the way it as at FMIL’s family gatherings. I feel attacked for wanting to text and not participate in the loud, stupid, ignorant conversation going on around me that I know nothing about nor do I give a sh:t. I just smile and pretend what they say doesn’t even bother. I grew up in a very loving, open and non judgemental family, so coming to this new family was a total shock to me and I was depressed the whole first year. FH kept telling me that they do it to EVERYONE; finally I decided to believe it and mentally tell everyone to f***off.
Good luck and big hug!
Post # 10
I would be honest about how much their comments hurt you. And if they blow you off I would lay down an ultimatum. They stop the comments about your weight or you stop communicating with them. And follow through. If they make a comment over the phone, hang up. If they make a comment at home, get up and leave. And do not feel bad about it. They will either get the message and change your behavior or you will get them out of your life with no regrets and knowing you gave them a chance.
Post # 11
You DO need a break — you need to cut them out of your life for a significant amount of time so that you can do some more emotional healing. If you thought there was a chance they’d be able to hear you and respect your needs, you could write them a very carefully worded letter about this issue, explaining that you need ALL discussion about your weight and eating to STOP completely if you’re going to be around them, and see how that goes. But at the first slip or disagreement from them, I think you’d be best off severing contact for at minimum a few years. Continuing to spend time with them is allowing them to hurt you, and you deserve better. It’s terrible that this is the position you’re in, but it’s better to accept it and do what you need to do to protect yourself than to keep giving them opportunities. I’m so sorry.
Post # 12
Thank you all for your sweet and kind comments. I just needed to vent and I have about 20 years worth of venting to do. I don’t ever recall a good child hood memory tbh, and that is really sad. The best person in my life was my great grandmother and she died years ago.
My family is very harsh, my father told me that the reason I couldn’t get pregnant was because I am too fat and that just broke my heart into a million pieces.
I’ve had this talk with them for many years, and still no change. All my siblings could do was call me ungrateful and tell me that I was over-reacting. However, they’ve never been through it, so they can’t actually be sympathetic towards me.
I will definitely re-read through all your comments because its words like yours that make me stronger and better.
Post # 13
@tiedtogetherwithasmile: What a bunch of friggin assholes…i’m sorry, but omg that is just unbelievable. I’m just glad YOU can recognize how ridiculous they are. I honestly don’t even know where I’d begin with that one, but I just wanted to let you know that they’re full of shit, and I’m gonna need them to find somethin’ else to do with themselves
Post # 14
Post # 15
Your situation is more severe than mine, but I struggled with a mother who felt the need to constantly criticize my weight/size (I’m currently at my biggest and I’m an 8 and about 20 lbs overweight, so nothing crazy). What worked for me was stating clearly that I wasn’t going to put up with it and then following through – if she brought it up on the phone, I hung up. If she brought it up in person, I walked out of the room.
It took almost a year of doing this, but it worked. Like I said, your situation is more severe, but maybe my experience might help a little. In the meantime, *hugs* – you seem to be a very strong and confident person. Don’t let them take that away from you!
Post # 16
Oh wow, this is awful. I think I would tell your family that if they don’t stop, you’re going to have to sever ties with them because their comments are damaging to your overall well-being. You don’t need these toxis comments around you every time you’re with your family, and you definitely don’t deserve them. Good luck!