- 3 years ago
I don’t know what to do. I am so lost.
How do you know when a relationship is truly dead? I have been with my partner for almost 4 years; he’s 26 and I’m 24. Our birthdays are coming this November. He’s November 12th and I’m November 11th…so we are both Scorpios, insane right? But I digress… The relationship started out great, but a little rocky because I had just gotten out of a 3 year long abusive relationship. But my partner stuck it out with me and supported me through it like a champ. The first years went by really fast, we did a lot, talked a lot, learned that we loved each other and generally wanted to be together. It felt perfect and like we could get through anything. A year ago before we moved in to our first apartment together, I mentioned that I wanted to get engaged. He said that it wouldn’t happen before moving in together and that we’d talk about it after living together for a year if it went well. During the first year living together, we had a couple bad fights stemming from the fact my partner has dodged any talk about our future. I would freak out at him for still ignoring any talk of where we were going. This summer has been hell, it started great because I thought that maybe he had made up his mind about us and where we were going. But when I brought it up in late June, he still expressed uncertainty about whether or not he saw a future with me in it. After 3 1/2 years of waiting for some answer that we were going to head for a serious commitment, like marriage, a house, a dog, or a baby, a car together…he still doesn’t know. He blames me for being to emotional and erratic. The thing is, I’ve been on 5 different medications for mood management. I’ve gone to 2 different therapists. I’m in group therapy. I’ve tried yoga. I’m doing everything I can. I even suggested we go to couples therapy, which we just started 2 weeks ago. But he’s done nothing to change the things that make me feel like he doesn’t really love me. He shuts me down all the time when I try to talk to him about nearly anything of interest. He ignores me when I try talking to him sometimes. He has never done anything romantic for me to show that he cares about me. I’ve told him for all the years we’ve been together what I want from him in the relationship and he continually fails to deliver. He chalks it up to it just being his personality. But yet he still wants to give therapy a chance… but why? Especially if he can’t commit to making any changes himself?
But through all of this, I don’t know if couples therapy will work. I truly love him but we are now finally both at the place where we are scared to leave but scared to stay together.
Help? Advice? Please.