Post # 17
Definitely not just you – I have friends who make these kinds of comments regarding all areas of my life. It’s hard to deal with, but I really think it’s more of a reflection of their own insecurities than on you. I have one friend in particular who has always done this to me. When we were in college, she would talk about how much more reading she had than I because she was majoring in history (I was double-majoring in Spanish and Italian literature and minoring in Art History – sure, we literature students just sit around with our thumbs up our @$$ instead of reading). Now we’re both PhD candidates, and I started my program a year later than she did to do another master’s program abroad, so she loves to tell me about how “when I get to her stage” I’ll finally understand XYZ. Now she’s engaged (of course she met her fiancé after I had been dating my boyfriend for a while) and telling me about how much busier she is than I because she’s planning a wedding and a bunch of parties to celebrate her impending nuptuals. I’m writing my dissertation (at Harvard) while teaching two classes, tutoring, working at the university library, and freelance consulting for art museums to make extra money.
You just kind of have to laugh, because it’s ridiculous. Getting married does not make the small, irritating habits of your partner disappear; it’s time that makes their importance diminish. And saying something like “we have a marriage now, it’s so much different than what you and your partner have” is a sign of profound insecurity, I think. Sorry, I hope I didn’t insult your friend – I’m sure they have other wonderful redeeming qualities. That’s why I’m still friends with the above-mentioned – I’d have kicker her to the curb long ago otherwise.
Post # 18
I know exactly what you’re talking about!
Oh my GOD is it ever annoying.
Smug parents are the worst. Worse than smug brides.
I do NOT want children. I have never wanted children. Fiance doesn’t want children. I love other people’s children. It does not mean I have the desire to procreate myself.
I swear, if one more parent rudely tells me:
“Oh you just wait- soon you’ll be dying to be a mom!” And then some slew of other motherly comments about how becoming a parent is imminent.
And God forbid I remotely express an opinion that counters theirs, because “they just know it will happen! It always does!”
Bitch please. Just because I have a uterus, doesn’t mean that it needs occupied.
Post # 19
@KoalaWalla: I know she was trying to be jokey, but mostly I just wanted to spit in her food.
– Lol! Hilarious!!!
I’m going through this, too! It’s like women get offended that I don’t want to birth a baby out of my vajayjay. And why is this aspect of my life so important to them? My fiance and I are on the same page; we’d rather adopt IF we have children at all. *sigh* I just want to strangle the people who say “Oh, you’ll change your mind.” Nevermind the fact that I’m a fully functioning adult completely aware of what I want and don’t want for my own life. Gah!
Post # 20
Yeah. I’m 30, and I’ve never had the URGE to procreate. Some people get the itch to have babies. Personally, I’ve never understood that, and I resent people projecting parenthood onto me. I haven’t made the decision to “go for it,” nor do I think I’m qualified to stay the course with such a plan. I say leave the parenting to the parents. But the parents should leave the non-parenting alone too.
Post # 21
You ladies are after my heart. I have no desire to procreate either. I’ve never wanted children, I didn’t play pretend at being a Mom when I was little, I’m 28 years old, and I’m a homebody who gardens on the weekends. It’s not like I’m out partying and have sowing of wild oats I’m doing before my baby lust kicks in. But that’s always the implication when people say “ohh, you’ll change your mind.” It’s not for me! Let’s just all be ok with it!
Post # 22
@KoalaWalla: Haha! Oh, ABSOLUTELY! I have 2 best friends that are both married, one is very understanding toward my feelings on where I’m at in my life, etc. The other, however, likes to think that because she’s married to her HS sweetheart and we’re 3 days apart (I’m older) that she knows better than me when it comes to any type of “married life” crisis or even just a relationship dispute.
What’s worse is a friend from HS, who is more of an acquaintance now, is probably the most condescending out of all of them. She got married 2 years after graduating HS and I quickly began to see that she was in a very controlling marriage, to the point where we lost contact for quite some time. Recently, I reconnected with her and found out that her husband was not only abusing her, but had been arrested for hitting their 3 year old daughter and he was court-ordered to stay away from them. Obviously, there is much more to the story, but when I asked her if he was still living with them in the house, her answer was “you don’t understand what it’s like, you don’t have kids or a husband and until you do, you’ll never get it”.
In my mind, that was probably the lowest of blows considering that I could NEVER knowingly put my child in a dangerous situation like that one, REGARDLESS of how long I’ve been married to someone. The whole being married thing, in my mind, is irrelevant because every relationship is different and each one has their own set of problems. It’s how that couple works through their issues that sets them apart from each other. I feel as though my SO and I have been through A LOT of $hit over the past two years, living together for 1.5 years, and we’ve still managed to stay together because we know we love each other and want to get married. Yes, I’m sure marriage makes things harder, but I think I have a leg-up knowing how incredibly STUPID that acquaintance is for staying in the situation she is in. I’ve already told my SO that if I ever found out he laid a hand on one of our children, even though I love him, I’m going to love our child even more and would kick him in the balls and leave, no doubts about it.
Post # 23
I think we all have these friends. My boy is 4 years older than me and some of his friends are older still, so we often get lectures on our life. But really, we have waited and set ourselves up financially first. We know money isnt an issue in our relationship. I dont need a lecture about when is best for us to spend $20k on a big party!