Has Anyone Else Had Other People Try To Takeover Their Guest List

posted 6 months ago in Guests
Post # 2
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2021

Luckily the only pressure I have is from my mom! And I know she means well but I’m already insanely stressed about it due to COVID (it’s in May and we HAVE to have the in-person invite list figured out by the end of this weekend). She is trying her best not to push, but she’s a bit of a pushy person regardless, lol. She reeeeeeeeeeally wants her siblings to have the opportunity to come celebrate with us in person – she’s been waiting ages for her ‘baby girl’ to meet the right guy and get married and she’s so excited to help pay for things and help plan and such, after not being offered much involvement by my brothers in 3 previous weddings. 

From what I’ve heard and read, the main thing is – are they helping to pay for the wedding? If no, then they don’t get a say. If yes…. then typically they do get some pull. My parents are paying for the entirety of the wedding (the budget they gave me was way more generous than I had ever expected and we just bought a house so we are sticking to said budget) so it’s been hard to navigate. Occasionally I want to snap at her and just tell her to back off but she’s never mean about it, just a bit guilt-trippy and it’s from a place of earnestly feeling this way. She has been VERY supportive, helpful, and kind about the wedding process. The only two ‘issues’ I’ve had with her have been about inviting relatives and making sure to list her and my dad as the hosts of the wedding on the invitation since they are paying. Ultimately the invitation thing was pretty trivial and I do understand the significance/meaning, so it’s whatever. 

I’m really grateful my fiance’s mom hasn’t pushed AT ALL about inviting anyone; she’s been way more accepting of things. But like I said, my mom HAS been great! We just.. don’t always agree and wedding planning is a LOT, so those disagreements just feel a lot bigger in regards to the pressure and anxiety I feel. 

How I have handled it thus far… avoidance? LOL. I’ve put off deciding the guest list until the last minute honestly because it’s just giving me too much anxiety. We are currently booked for our venue’s micro wedding rate and my mom made it very clear that she is happy to pay the difference up to the regular rate if we want to invite more people… but I don’t know that I’m comfortable with more people during covid. And it’s also hard because I do think I’m open to maybe a few more people than my fiance is. But on the other hand, I have a much bigger family, both immediate and relatives. Ugh.

Ultimately, it will be between my fiance and I to decide, BUT I’m doing my best to keep my mom informed and also of the reasons behind any decisions she may not like. Calm voice, “we have to do what we feel is right”, “safety during this time is SO important”, etc. Of course, my parents have also now gotten the vaccine so they don’t feel quite as worried, lol! I know she will try to respect our decision, but she sometimes does this slightly mopey, guilt trip thing. I love her a TON but I really don’t need that right now.

Post # 3
47423 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

” Thanks for the suggestion. We’ll keep it in mind when we finalize our guest list.”

Post # 4
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

We’re having 25 guests at our wedding and my fiancé’s parents aren’t thrilled about it! They’re not rude or pushy or anything like that, and they’re respecting our decision, but they have a big family and they’re just disappointed and sad that they won’t all get to celebrate with us. They are helping to pay, but that isn’t influencing our guest list decisions. The fact is that this wedding is going to be in October of this year and we’re keeping the guest list small for covid safety reasons. We just don’t know what the covid situation will be by October, but we’re not going to risk having a big wedding and putting our loved ones in potential danger. So because of that, keeping the guest list small is just non-negotiable, regardless of what anybody says or who contributes money towards the wedding. 

Post # 6
10715 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply

Well your mum does have a say if she’s paying l think. Anybody else you just turn them off with some anodyne saying like ‘ thank you, we’ll think about that’ or something .

As for your mum, decide what is/ are vital for you and fiancé and what you don’t really care about. Let her do what she wants on the latter and be polite but firm on the former, maybe stressing how much something means to your fiancé. 

Post # 7
1689 posts
Bumble bee

We paid for our wedding ourselves, which removed the headache of financial contributers trying to control the guest list.  We had LOADS of people insisting that we ‘must invite x’ although fewer people tried inviting themselves.

We drew up our own guest list and then picked a venue that was exactly the size to fit that number of guests.  That way, we could genuinely say there ‘wasn’t room’ to add anyone.  We did have a couple of relatives pulling the ‘if they don’t get invited I won’t come’ card, to which we responded with ‘we are sorry you don’t feel able to attend’.  (No one actually carried out their threat!)

Post # 8
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2021

View original reply
@bluejellyfish:  This sounds like my mom – she is really disappointed but trying not to push. Ours is in May and my fiance’s parents aren’t vaccinated yet. But even so, it doesn’t seem right to just invite a ton more people and the last thing I was is for anyone to get sick or to have to cut back at some point. And since my parents are paying for the entire wedding, I don’t want to be disrespectful of that generosity.. ugh. It’s tough to navigate sometimes. Hope everything goes pretty smoothly for you!

Post # 9
36 posts

Yes, and we paid for our own wedding. One month after we got engaged we asked our parents on both sides who they wanted to invite and drew up a list together. We had about 150 guests and already half were our parents’ friends and relatives. Our families know each other from church, and I think there were some couples (our parents’ age) who heard save the dates went out, had not received one, and wanted to come. I had been adamant from the start about having only one round of invitations sent out, and even chose our venue based on no minimum count, so whoever makes it makes it. Out of the additional 5 couples, there were a few I really didn’t want to invite, because the way I saw it was if their children married before us and they had not invited either set of our parents, then we don’t have to invite them. Our parents (oddly?) didn’t feel the same way. My mom finally convinced me to let them invite who they want, maybe because she didn’t want me and my in-laws to get off on the wrong foot. 

My dad and other relatives also insisted I invite one relative I’m really not close to, which we disagreed about for months. I finally caved; that person didn’t come anyway. 

If we had a much smaller guest list, I think I would’ve put my foot down (or those people wouldn’t even had been suggested). But since our wedding was medium-large sized, a few extra people in the end wasn’t worth fighting about. 

Post # 11
496 posts
Helper bee

No pay no play. The only people who get a say are those paying for the wedding. 

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