(Closed) Has anyone else lost ‘friends’ through the wedding process?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My maid of honor moved to another city in a neighboring state about a year ago.  She comes back almost monthly to see her parents and friends.  On her last trip here we were supposed to get together to shop for Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses.  The night before, she texted me and cancelled, saying that she “forgot” when her flight was, and it was leaving the next day. 

One of my bridesmaids e-mailed her the other day to see if she had been planning a shower or bachelorette party for me, and she actually sent me a text telling me that “all of this planning” was getting to be “too overwhelming”.

She finally called me to “try” to arrange my bachelorette party.  She said that she won’t be coming back before the wedding now (really???  because you’ve been back almost every month for the past year), and she wanted to have my bachelorette party THE NIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING!  Seriously?  Yeah, nevermind the rehearsal dinner and all that.  Let’s go have a fun night at the bars so I can feel FANTASTIC on my wedding day.

I’ve seriously shed so many tears over this.  I do feel like I’m losing a friend, and I don’t even know what I did.  I just always thought that when this time finally came, I’d have people surrounding me who were happy for me.  It just doesn’t feel that way. 🙁

Post # 33
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I definitely have one on the rocks. One of my best friends declared herself Maid of Honor and then promptly stopped talking to me about the wedding. For awhile she would ignore any texts as soon as my fiance’s name came into the conversation. It could be something as simple as “Cody and I are going to the store.” Literally as soon as I mentioned him she’d stop talking. I called her out on the wedding situation and she apologized, claiming some pretty dumb reasons in my opinion but it’s still just shaky with her. I still have well over a year before my wedding and I have quite a few people telling me to tell her not to come (she’s long distance and will be graduating from college 2 weeks before my wedding).

I have no idea what to do about it. I’m scared it’ll be two weeks before the wedding and she’ll drop out for no reason. 

I guess i’ll just wait and see. 

Post # 34
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I wouldn’t say I’ve lost friends, but I am starting to feel like I have less in common with a few of them. I have a couple friends that are single or casually dating, and I think it’s hard for them to relate to me when I am about to get married and settle down with someone. They miss their clubbing/party buddy, and that part of me has moved on.

Post # 35
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I (voluntarily) lost a relationship with my father during the wedding process for unrelated reasons… I couldn’t be more thankful to not have to deal with his evilness anymore; he’s a really horrible person. My heart goes out to all you ladies going through a rough time with friends/family. Hugs!!

Post # 36
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I had a really close friend whom I had started to grow apart from about a year before I got engaged.  He and I were super close and would always go clubbing together (to his preferred gay clubs that none of our straight friends ever wanted to go to).  When I met my now Fiance, things started to change with us.  One night we got into a bad alcohol fueled fight where he claimed that now that I had a BF I wasn’t available to him as much anymore (which was absolutely NOT true at the time as we were still having weekly lunches and our Thursday night club nights at that point).  I realized then that the friendship was changing and not necessarily for the better.  He grew more distant and would invite mutual friends out but not me.  He would give me excuses (i.e. – “life is so hectic right now”, “man troubles”, “no money”, etc.) yet he would constantly post on Facebook about his awesome outings with friends (on the weekends he told me he was too broke to go out).  After a year of this, I got the hint and just stopped all communication except a yearly bday text. 

When he found out I was engaged, he tried to weasly back into my life but by that point it was too late for me.  What was done was done and I wanted to focus on the wedding and getting married and not old friend drama.  I still miss him very much, but I know deep down if I let him back in it would not be good at all.  Too much hurt.  But I value the time we DID have and am ready to move on to the next phase (husband and babies!). 

Post # 37
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I feel like I’ve kind of lost 2 friends through the wedding process. Sure there are people who are not able to come and they have good reasons but there are 2 that have really hurt me and I don’t really know what I an do about it other than try to forgive and retreat. 1 is not speaking to me and hasn’t been since she found out I was engaged. I am trying to understand her because her own engagement ended badly and my fiance reminds her of hers but it still hurts as I would move mountains to be there for a wedding of someone I genuinely cared about and supported the relationship.

The other I have chosen to just lessen the contact with. I got a pile of very different excuses (I expected this sadly as when I mentioned about the wedding in the beginning I kind of got a “oh we’ll see if I’m able to come”) and the one that they eventually chose to stick to was the worst ever and isn’t even concrete (don’t really want to go into it) when in reality I am pretty sure I know what it’s about and it’s quite unsavoury to say the least.

On the upside, it’s brought me closer to some other amazing people who I’d not been friends with for as long but they have cheered our relationship along and gotten excited over the whole thing right from the start.

Guess weddings really do bring out both the best and worst in people and you get to know who your true friends are and who really supports you all the way.

Post # 38
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

In my case I guess I would now say I feel I did not lose my best friend of 18 years, she lost me.  We grew apart and asking her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor reviled she was no longer the kind of person I want in my life. It was hard, pretty sure all my feelings and story throughout this situation or matter are posted on the bee.  NO it was not easy to realize.  The realization is the hard part, after I finally did that (which took a year and her doing one selfish thing after another with no change threw out the year) it was then not so hard.  Actually after I ended our friendship I have never been happier and realized just how toxic she had been to my life.  It’s was the best decision I could have made for myself and my relationship.  Toxic friend affects everyone close to you as well. 

Post # 39
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

This is a very sad topic however I am greatful it was posted as this is a very true thing that happens during the engagement process. My very own best friend has not acted excited for even one second, whereas other friends have given me love and excitement. Also my fiance’s friend has been very jealous-it shows true colors

my friend is jealous because she is SELFISH. Selfish in that she does not have a fun single friend to party with and gossip about hookups. She is not happy that i will be married to my love. sigh. 

Post # 40
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I have been on the other end (ie receiving end) of the whole Bride scorned business. I think it’s really stupid to get upset about some things but that’s just me.

Basically, what happened in my situation was that my friend was getting married last year and wanted me to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Great, no problem, very exciting! A few months before her wedding I got offered a new job… across the country. At the time, I had just broken up with my ex, so I thought it was perfect. I packed up and moved. Love my new job and new city and soon after I arrived I met my now fiance so very happy with the decision.

Instead of being happy for me or supportive, all my friend could think about was HOW THIS WAS GOING TO AFFECT HER WEDDING! I mean… seriously?! 

I finally totd her that I couldn’t make it to the wedding because, frankly, it was too expensive. I tried to explain nicely that, between flights and everything else, it was going to cost me more than $2000 and then I also had to take 2 days off work unpaid (in a new job..) for the travel. It was all too much. She did not take it well. I mean, I gave her more than 2 months’ notice that I wasn’t going to be there. I don’t see it as a big deal. It’s just a party.

So I thought she was being very selfish and only thinking of herself, her wedding, how it would look in photos without the “correct” number of bridesmaids, how it would be perceived to have to ask someone else (ie – you weren’t good enough to make the first cut of Bridesmaid or Best Man but now that someone else has pulled out…). She felt that I let her down and what not and she totally expected that I should have prioritised her wedding in my budget. So I don’t talk to her anymore. And now that I’m getting married, my fiance and I are eloping on a private beach and NOBODY is invited! Much easier that way – we’ll send y’all pictures, no gifts please! Etc.

Post # 41
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Dealing with this currently.. our ‘goodfriends’ got engaged 5 months after us and decided to pick their date 2 weeks before our wedding day. && asked us (my Fiance & i) to be there Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man. Then i basically helped her plan her wedding buy her dress, and do finishing details and all of a sudden she came up with a redic reason to not be freinds anymore … ? Sounds fishy to me. It deff brought of the rage of jealous in her i think n we are no longer “friends”. Unfortuantly my Fiance is really upset because he likes her Fiance which they are no longer really ‘friends’ either… its amazing how ppl can act. Am i crazy or was she completley out of line? I was a good friend or tried to be and we said yes to doing their Maid/Matron of Honor n Bridesmaid or Best Man duties 2 WEEKS before our wedding and then BAM were out… THANKS!!

Post # 42
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I’ve basically lost my best friend. I’ve detailed in other places that I hired his boyfriend to be our officiant, he treated us like crap, so we fired him (domineering, controlling, telling us what our wedding had to have, had a very different style than we did, etc.) and haven’t heard from him since. I am seeing my ‘best friend’ in 2 days. I imagine he wants to hash out everything that happened. I will be polite and I will be honest. If he gets upset, good riddance and good-bye. If he’s not upset, it’s still a transition in our friendship, as I’ve also put up with a lot of crap from him over the years.

He has been jealous over every landmark in my life. When I graduated from college, when I received scholarships at school, and I even think he was jealous when I got engaged. Suddenly, he started talking about all of the things he wanted in a wedding. I was encouraging – whether our state would recognize his marriage or not is pointless. I would still regard him as married – and I would help him out. My best friend basically vanished on me when I got engaged.

I invited him over one day and he helped me decorate some of our centerpieces. That was it. I asked him if he would mind greeting people on our wedding day, and he was very upset and told me no. He hasn’t offered any help since. I didn’t expect him to hand over money, but he basically dropped off the face of the earth when I got engaged. I guess, given his earlier explosive jealous tantrums over things I did well in my life (like telling me my degree was a worthless piece of paper after he dropped out of college), I should be happy he just disappeared and didn’t help!

I am preparing to be a wife and, eventually, a mother in addition to being an individual working on my own goals. My former best friend stays at home, paints all day, does not work otherwise, and is supported by his boyfriend, who will likely be moving out of the state when he graduates from school (he’s a licensed helicopter and plane pilot). We will be seeing less of each other anyways, which is probably a good thing. I can deal with a semi-annual visit and the occasional phone call, but we have grown too far apart.

I never would have imagined this would happen, but I think that had more to do with denial and the brotherly friendship I had with him than the reality.

Post # 43
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I did, but it was for her wedding.

Basically after years of her complaining about how I was always given everything she ever wanted (not true, but whatever), she thought her entire engagement should be spent trying to make me jealous.  Every wedding related occasions she took time to put down my (then) SO, ask why I wasn’t engaged yet, ask loudly in front of others wasn’t I having a good time (the more times she asked this I actually got more annoyed).  I was asked to gain weight because I was too thin (I was actually at my heaviest at this point), told I should quit my job, eat more, and dump by SO.  Any attempts to defend my life choices where met with two of the other BM’s pulling me aside to tell me to shut up, that she was stressed and I shouldn’t upset the bride.

Obviously we don’t have anything to do with each other anymore.  What’s worse is to this day I don’t think she even realized how much she ramped up her inappropriate comments.  She had always done these things in small amounts, but never so publicly or so frequently.  I’m not even sure if she thinks she did anything wrong which still bothers me, even if I know I shouldn’t care.  I pretty much realized she wasn’t a friend through how she used her wedding to bully me.

Anyway, I guess I kind of look at it like this: barring any insane personality shifts, weddings will amplify what is already there.  If there is already jealousy or resentment, then it will only increase.  If there is mutual respect and affection, then it will deepen.  If there are problems left unsaid, then they will only fester.

Post # 44
Member
1874 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I lost 3 BMs. The 1st one was my Maid/Matron of Honor #2 (supposed to be my BFF since 5th grade) that dropped out sent me a message over fb dropping out. Because my computer was messed up (and she knew this!!!) I didn’t receive the message till a week after she sent it!!! I was expecting her to drop out, however, so it didn’t affect me as much but the reality of it still hurt. She said she still wanted to come to the wedding, however when I sent her a message asking for her address, she never responded back! It’s been a month since I sent the message.

The 2nd one that dropped out was a HS friend of mine and my brother’s ex (they still mess around and talk and stay in each others’ lives, their relationship is very complicated). She just NEVER got back to me. I understand she had alot going on in her life but it happened right around the deadline for her to get her dress. I’m starting to feel like she never intended on getting the dress. Then when her grandfather passed, (3 days before the deadline to get her dress) she actually had a valid excuse not to be in the wedding. BUT the odd thing about that is she never said ANYTHING to me about her not being able to be in it. We haven’t much since her grandfather passed. I gave her my condolences but she has been fine since then. My brother said she has started dating other guys and going wild now. Doesn’t sound like she was mourning for too long.

The 3rd one is Future Sister-In-Law. I don’t know if I can really call her my friend. I did before but since the engagement she had been acting funny towards me. I don’t know if it was jealousy or mad at me because her mom and I don’t get along. I really didn’t care. We had a falling out a month ago over her not paying Fiance his money for her car that’s in his name when she had money at the time and chose not to pay. With friends like this, who needs enemies right??

Post # 45
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yes, it happened to several of my friends when they got married. Weddings bring out the best and worst in people. You realize who your true friends are at the end of the day. They are there through the bad, ugly, and the good times.

Post # 46
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so happy to see this thread and see that I’m not alone. I was extremely let down by my maid of honor. I was her maid of honor, and let me tell you, she was a proper bridezilla (including emails that we couldn’t do our own hair or makeup because she was getting professional photos and wanted them to be perfect….and that included no makeup lines/bad hair).

Now it’s my turn to get married. And she has no interest/time in my wedding or her duties AT ALL. I live abroad and I’m back home about three weeks every year. I went home at Christmas. She made such a big deal about having a bachelorette party for me, etc. She even asked for FI’s email so she could gather ideas, etc. This was going to be the only time to do it, since I live abroad. Then she got “busy” and didn’t do anything. I tried to be the bigger person, and I was….for almost two months. But the other day, I just had to say how hurt I was, and what a double standard it was for her to expect so much of her bridesmaids when she was getting married, but not be prepared to do anything for my wedding. She didn’t seem to care and said she “got busy” and that she has a two year old. I’m sorry, but your two year old isn’t my problem and if you couldn’t take on the role, and the ONE thing that was expected of her (bachelorette) then she should have rejected when I asked. Honestly, she has already gotten away with not having to do any other “duties…” Because I live in RUSSIA! Grrrrrrrrrrrr. 

So no – you are NOT the only one who has lost a friend over your wedding. 

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